Thursday, July 25, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Anthony Weiner blames his latest sexting scandal on stress with his wife. He’s just lucky he married Huma Abedin instead of Lorena Bobbitt.

Pressure is increasing on New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner to pull out. Although you really have to be careful on how you phrase that to him.

Anthony Weiner is being accused of sending nude texts to a woman and also offering her a job and a condo in Chicago. Apparently he was really into fantasizing. Imagine someone wanting to live in Chicago.

The Royal Baby has been given a name, George Alexander Louis. Thank goodness that is over. Now Prince William and Kate can relax and let the nannies handle everything else for the next 18 or so years.

A new book claims that Jimmy Carter is the former President most targeted by threats. The question is why? Things have been a lot better ever since he got out of the White House.

A new book claims that Jimmy Carter is the former President most targeted by threats. People are shocked. Who even remembers that Jimmy Carter used to be President?

A judge is allowing the Detroit bankruptcy filing to move forward. At least something in that city isn’t in complete reverse.

The American middle class is ranked 27th in the world. Even our middle class isn’t middle class anymore.

Pope Francis I told Catholics in Rio de Janeiro to resist money, power and pleasure. He was then taken to Copacabana Beach he then said “Remember what I just told you? Forget about it.”

Shoppers in Finland are now able to pay for items using facial recognition. In the U.S. you can still buy things with facial recognition. However, the only faces that are ever recognized are George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Andrew Jackson. 

The Post Office is considering ending door to door service and delivering mail instead to neighborhood cluster boxes. Which is appropriate since the Post Office any more is just one big cluster.

IKEA has decided against opening a store in North Korea. Apparently they feel they people there have already been through enough without having to try to figure out how to assemble one of their futons.

The U.S. has slipped to 9th place in the world for Internet speed. How can we compete against countries that can successfully download their porn so much faster?

Sales of Rolling Stone magazine went up 20% with the cover of the Boston Marathon bomber on the cover. At first people were furious but then they were just relieved they didn’t show someone really evil like Chris Brown.

A swarm of bees held up a U.S. Airways flight for three hours in North Carolina. Which was pretty much the same as being scheduled on the runway behind a JetBlue flight.

British bookies raked in around $2.5 Million on bets on the name of the Royal Baby. It’s the most money bet on a member of the Royal Family other than what the odds were on Prince Harry showing up with his pants on when he was in Las Vegas.

A survey says the most popular car is the Porsche. No kidding. Which is like saying that Jessica Alba is the most popular woman. Just because you like it doesn’t mean it will ever be your ride.

The Labor Department says that full time men workers put in more hours than women. Mostly because women have to put in so many hours after work at home picking up after the men.

The Labor Department says that full time men workers put in more hours than women. Mostly because half of the men’s day at work is spent trying to hit on all the women.

Google is planning to offer free Wi-Fi in San Francisco parks and open spaces. Of course, having free access to wireless porn will pretty much take away most people’s reasons for going to a park in San Francisco in the first place.

Britain says it is taking steps to prosecute bad bankers. Which they also say in the U.S., but when they do it is always with a wink and a smile.

Britain says it is taking steps to prosecute bad bankers. Or as they are known in the U.S., bankers.

A court has ruled that services that allow consumers to avoid watching commercials don’t violate copyrights. In fact they are much safer as not as many people are shooting their TV sets when Flo the insurance woman comes on.

A New Jersey city is saying “no” to Snooki and JWoww to shoot their spinoff reality show there. Apparently they realize the cleanup from Sandy is nothing compared to trying to recover from the damage caused by the cast of “Jersey Shore”.

A report says that depression costs U.S. workplaces $23 Billion a year in absenteeism. Of course, most of the depression is caused by workers’ low pay, long hours and worrying if they will have a job tomorrow.

A study says that rituals performed before eating can enhance the flavor of food. Which for most Americans is the ritual of covering everything with salt before even tasting it.

A study says that Americans living in cities are less likely to die from an accidental death. Mostly because when people kill you in a city, they pretty much are doing it on purpose.

A report says that Obamacare won’t slash workers’ hours. Mostly because people will have to work so much longer to be able to afford to pay for their health insurance.

Two New York City hospitals are writing prescriptions for people to get free fruits and vegetables. Or as that is otherwise known in New York City, “litter”.

Amanda Bynes is reportedly doing well while being held on a 5150. Which caused people to wonder what any of this has to do with a Van Halen album?

The van stolen from A Flock of Seagulls was recovered, although the equipment inside was missing. Officials aren’t sure of the value of the musical gear, since it hasn’t been used since 1988.

Keith Olbermann says he has not been banned from talking about politics at ESPN. He has just been banned from talking about anything period at every other network he has ever worked at.

The home used by the show “Walker, Texas Ranger” is for sale for $1.2 Million. The only problem is the new owner will have to patch all the fist sized holes in every wall.

The home used by the show “Walker, Texas Ranger” is for sale for $1.2 Million. Although in reality the only Texas Ranger who could afford to live in a $1.2 Million home is one who is catching baseballs instead of criminals.

Google has introduced a device for $35 that sends video straight to TV. Sort of like what happens to all Adam Sandler movies.

Coke and Pepsi are seeing their soda sales continuing to drop. Apparently people are cutting back on soft drinks so they have enough money to see their cardiologist and dentist to repair all the damage from drinking so many sodas over the years.

Polls say that 6 in 10 Americans feel the country is on the wrong track. The other four think we used to be on the wrong track until the train completely derailed.

A poll says that Americans are dissatisfied with Washington and the economy. The only question is figuring out which one is more responsible for ruining the other?

New York Representative Jerry Nadler says that Anthony Weiner needs “serious psychiatric help.” Not to mention his wife who is staying with him and all the people who are actually considering voting for him for New York Mayor.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Dodgers are in first place and it is in late July. In other words, don’t blink or you might miss it. While you are straining to keep your eyes from shutting, you can also use the opportunity to make sure to send the love!

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