Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Prince Charles’ popularity is on the rise since the birth of the Royal Baby. Mostly because becoming a grandfather is the first thing he has actually done to get people’s attention in the past twenty years.

An analysis says that Google expects to sell 2 Million sets of Google Glass each year. However, most of those will be replacements for the ones slapped off creepy guys’ faces by women who realize they are being stalked and photographed.

The Al Jazeera Network is ready to hit U.S. markets. Critics complain it is politically leaning and that it represents beliefs that are not in the interest of Americans. To which Fox News says “We were here first!”

Freedom, the magazine published by Scientology has put out an ad looking for investigative reporters. The only problem is going to find an investigative reporter who actually reads a Scientology magazine.

Freedom, the magazine published by Scientology has put out an ad looking for investigative reporters. Apparently they want to look into why every male Scientologist is  always rumored to be gay.

Freedom, the magazine published by Scientology has put out an ad looking for investigative reporters. Apparently they would like to find out how John Travolta still has a career after “Battlefield Earth”.

CNN President Jeff Zucker says that the network is striving for objectivity without being dull. To which all other news organizations are saying “You can do that?”

CNN President Jeff Zucker says that the network is striving for objectivity without being dull. Which sounds very objective and incredibly dull.

 The NSA says it is unable to search its own e-mails. Apparently it’s the only password they forgot to hack into.

NFL teams are reportedly considering having police check the tattoos of prospects for any gang ties. Or they could just look at their criminal record.

NFL teams are reportedly considering having police check the tattoos of prospects for any gang ties. Or they could just look to see which ones were drafted by the Bengals.

Univision has won the July ratings sweeps over all English language networks. Which means for the next ratings book, expect at least one show on each network to have a character running around dressed like a giant bee.

Univision has won the July ratings sweeps over all English language networks. Which means Brian Williams will now open each segment of NBC Nightly News with “Buenos Noches.”

A small town in Norway is proposing using mirrors to bring sunlight in during the winter months. If they are that worried about the effects of a long winter, can’t they just buy a tanning bed?

Lance Armstrong says his doping is still a polarizing topic for many but he is a “big boy” and can handle it. Mostly because he is living a life of luxury off the millions of dollars he won because of his doping.

NYPD Commissioner Raymond Kelly is defending his “stop and frisk” policy, saying it has dropped the crime rate in the city. And it is much less messy than the old NYPD policy of “stop and shoot.”

A federal court says the FDA can’t allow an execution drug to be imported into the U.S. Apparently the FDA can only allow drugs to be sold in the country if there is still some question that they will kill you.

A federal court says the FDA can’t allow an execution drug to be imported into the U.S. Are they trying to expect us to believe that with all the chemical companies around we can’t come up with a formula for something that will kill someone?

The FDA is getting closer to taking action against menthol cigarettes, saying they are easier to start smoking and harder to quit. Although the results aren’t yet in on the still experimental Junior Mints patch.

Starbucks and Danone are joining an effort to sell yogurt. The only question is whether there is a market for a $5 cup of yogurt that is saturated with caffeine.

The White House says that Syria’s President Assad is one of the “worst tyrants” of his era. Although they did admit he still has a ways to go to get in the same league with Donald Trump.

Anthony Weiner admits he has sent inappropriate texts to women even after the scandal that caused him to resign from Congress. Even Geraldo Rivera is saying “Put some clothes on!”

A McDonald’s in the UK denied service to a woman who rode into the drive-thru on a horse. Apparently in Europe they don’t want to give service to a horse that they might be serving next week.

A survey says that most investors feel that having $5 Million would make them feel wealthy. Mostly because those investors remember what it was like to actually have $5 Million before the economic crash.

A study says that parents are paying a smaller percentage of their kids’ college tuition. Mostly because they know with or without college their child is going to end up living in their basement without a job.

UK Prime Minister David Cameron supports a plan to ban online pornography. Apparently he feels that porn should be kept in its place. On Page Three of the tabloids.

A federal panel is urging standards to be set for technology so that cars and trucks can talk to each other. The only problem is coming up with some sort of communication between vehicles that will translate to the traditional drivers giving each other the finger.

The SEC has busted a Bitcoin Ponzi scheme. Or as a scheme to defraud people using phony Internet currency is otherwise known, Bitcoin.

The Discover Credit Card has beaten profit estimates. Mostly because no one has enough money after the economic collapse to qualify for a real credit card anymore.

A report says that economic concerns are driving college choices. Mostly the concern of spending $100,000 on an education that is going to result in the same career path as someone who has dropped out of high school.

Bentley says it will soon market an SUV. Some people think it will cheapen the brand. Who would believe two guys riding in SUVs passing Grey Poupon mustard back and forth?

A study says that sex addiction is not a real mental disorder. Unless you are using it as an excuse to cheat on Jennifer Aniston.

A study says that sex addiction is not a real mental disorder. Apparently it is just a result of being born with a Y chromosome.

The FDA is reminding consumers that spray on sunscreen products can catch fire. Which most people are fine with as it just means they have to spend less time in the sun to get their skin all the way to “extra crispy.”

A study says that the wrong zip code can result in a shorter life expectancy. Especially if your zip code is for Sanford, Florida.

A study says the red wine compound resveratrol may negate the effects of exercise. So that’s why those skid row winos look they way they do even after putting in all that time in the gym every day.

The average movie ticket price has reached an all time high of $8.38. And that’s not even including the dry cleaning bill for people who vomit during the Adam Sandler film they just tried to sit through.

The average movie ticket price has reached an all time high of $8.38. And that doesn’t include the cost of the Tylenol to take care of the headache for shelling out the cash to see “White House Down”.

A van belonging to the 80’s techno pop group A Flock of Seagulls was reportedly stolen.  The worst part is the thieves took all the pizzas that the group still had to deliver.

A van belonging to the 80’s techno pop group A Flock of Seagulls was reportedly stolen. The group says they are hoping to get the van back along with the fake Rolex watches, T-shirts and stereo equipment they were selling from the van on sidestreets.

Amanda Bynes has been detained for a mental health evaluation after reportedly setting a fire in a driveway. The only good news from this is that Lindsay Lohan is actually starting to look pretty normal by comparison.

The defense in the Michael Jackson wrongful death trial is trying to show that Jackson was a drug addict. If they want to show he was an addict, how about going after the obvious and showing how much he liked plastic surgery?

Lisa Kudrow says that rumors of a “Friends” movie are completely untrue. Which is too bad since it’s not like any of the stars of the ‘90s sitcom are too busy with any other work to not be able to sign on.

Phil Mickelson will reportedly have to pay as much as 61% of his earnings from winning two tournaments in Scotland in income tax. Apparently that whole “California’s taxes are too high” tantrum he threw earlier this year now gets him even less sympathy.

Lance Armstrong says the U.S. Postal Service who sponsored his racing team “got what they bargained for” as they were aware of rumors he had been doping. Which means the whole doping scandal is the fault of the sponsors who should have known he was doing something wrong.

A report says that A-Rod could face a lifetime ban from baseball for using PEDs. What’s amazing is that he hasn’t already been banned for life for his postseason batting statistics.

Matt Kemp says that Ryan Braun should lose his 2011 MVP Award because of his admission of using PEDs. Which pretty much means the official book of baseball records will just be redacted from 1988-2009.

Two NFL stars are reportedly going to race a cheetah on foot. Apparently the winner will get a medal and the loser will get the cheetah. 

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I’m on track to write more than 10,000 jokes this year. Which works out to...let me see...that would be $0 per joke. But I don’t do it for the money, obviously. I do it because I am incredibly bored and have no other discernible talents. But you can make it all worthwhile by keeping on sending the love!

1 comment:

Sam said...

Go Jim! Loved the Ryan Braun jokes!