Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Prince William and Kate had a baby boy, the Prince of Cambridge who came in at more than 8 pounds. So that baby is worth more pounds pound for pound than any kid you will find at the pound.

Prince William and Kate had a baby boy, the Prince of Cambridge. The announcement of the birth came five hours after the baby was actually born. Maybe someone should tell the Royal Family they need to dump that town crier guy and try Twitter.

Prince William and Kate had a baby boy, the Prince of Cambridge. The baby is third in line for the Throne. Or as his grandfather Charles will tell him, get ready for a long wait to actually get to do anything.

Prince Charles says he is “overjoyed” at becoming a grandfather. At least it gives him something to do until the Queen finally decides to step aside.

The Royal Baby’s birth is estimated to bring as much as $150 Million to the UK economy as people celebrate and buy souvenirs. Which will make up for the loss to the economy in bad publicity since the birth of his uncle Prince Harry.

The Air Force is offering incentives to make up for a shortage of fighter pilots. Who wants to sign up for the military and get shot at when you can fly for United Airlines and have Happy Hour from takeoff to landing?

The CIA is backing a $630,000 study on controlling the weather. Do we really want the CIA in charge of hurricanes when they can’t even control a simple leak?

Apple is testing larger screens for both their iPhone and iPad. If the iPhone gets any larger it will pretty much be an iPad.

Scientists have discovered a “misery molecule” in the brain that is responsible for stress, anxiety and depression. Apparently it’s the same molecule that was whispering to you to go ahead and take that subprime loan, what could it hurt?

The TSA is starting a precheck program where for a fee people can be screened in advance and speed through airport security. Those who miss being groped can always ask for a seat on the plane next to the creepy old guy who has just stumbled out of the frequent fliers’ lounge.

Gloria Allred has filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against the Mayor of San Diego. Which means the trial won’t have a judge, it will need a ringmaster.

Music streaming has become 70% of the market in Sweden. Apparently people only listen to music formats that are too new to be able to carry any tunes by ABBA.

A New York couple threw away a refrigerator that contained their life savings. What’s worse is that their life savings were pretty much just chicken wings and Mountain Dew.

A New York couple threw away a refrigerator that contained their life savings. Apparently they always wanted to have plenty of available cold cash.

A New York couple threw away a refrigerator that contained their life savings. The irony is that Bernie Madoff told them to keep it there because it would be safer than investing.

A New York couple threw away a refrigerator that contained their life savings. People in Georgia were calling them idiots. Everyone knows you keep your money in the mattress.

A study says the divorce rate for people over 50 has doubled in recent years. Apparently older couples don’t worry about losing half their net worth ever since they lost everything in the economic crash.

Nursing homes are now concerned about sex between Baby Boomer patients with dementia. There is a word for people who have sex and then just forget it ever happened. Men.

A study says that being optimistic can reduce the risk of heat problems. Ironically, the only people who are optimistic are the ones who know they have the money and health coverage to pay for any bills from the cardiologist.

United Airlines is installing “winglets” to their planes to save as much as 2% of fuel. Unfortunately they burn another 25% of fuel having their jet engines idle while they wait three hours after their scheduled departure to finally take off.

United Airlines is installing “winglets” to their planes to save as much as 2% of fuel. They already save another 10% of fuel in the weight of luggage that is sent out on other planes to different parts of the world.

7-Up has agreed to stop adding Vitamin E to its soft drinks and touting the health benefits. The sad part is that the water, sugar and citrus flavoring in 7-Up is probably the healthiest thing most Americans will consume all day.

The blueberry has replaced the peach as Georgia’s most lucrative crop. Unless you count the cornmeal that supplies half the state with moonshine.

The blueberry has replaced the peach as Georgia’s most lucrative crop. Or as they call fruit in Georgia, an export.

The website Funny or Die is promoting Obamacare. As opposed to the Republican idea of health care for all Americans, “We think it’s funny that you are going to die.”

Chevrolet is banking on loud colors like pink and purple to sell cars to younger buyers. Unlike Chrysler, whose main color combination has become black and blue.

Taco Bell has announced it is dropping its kids’s meals and toys. Apparently most kids weren’t all that excited about getting a chew toy once gnawed on by the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

Taco Bell has announced it is dropping its kids’s meals and toys. Mostly because the kids who go to Taco Bell had another word for kids’ meal. An appetizer.

A report says that cybercrime costs the U.S. $140 Billion a year. We should take those people and instead of putting them in jail, send them to Washington where they will cost us a lot less than Congress.

A report says that cybercrime costs the U.S. $140 Billion a year. Otherwise known as your mortgage statement.

The Senate is pushing a $1 coin over the current bills in order to save money. To which most people are asking “What’s a dollar?”

The Senate is pushing a $1 coin over the current bills in order to save money. For one thing, it would save a ton of money just giving the Treasury Department a break from running the money printer 24/7 to keep up on what Congress is spending.

A study says that there has been an alarming increase in the number of children injured by falling TV sets. Mostly from people throwing their TV out the window after watching a couple of episodes of “The Kardashians”.

A study says that convenience is the reason many people who have pediatricians take their kids to health clinics at retail stores. Mostly because while they are there they can also pick up some soda, cookies and ice cream that are the reason their kid needed to see a doctor in the first place.

A study says that many patients are getting a needless heart test. Apparently they feel when a patient is getting the test while on the phone calling for a pizza delivery, there is no point in checking the condition of their heart.

A study says that skipping breakfast may increase the risk of a person having a heart attack. Unless that breakfast comes from McDonald’s, Wendy’s or Burger King.

A study says that skipping breakfast may increase the risk of a person having a heart attack. Especially when missing breakfast makes them hungrier for the junk food they are eating for lunch and dinner.

Some stuntmen saved a woman who was threatening to commit suicide at the Comic-Con in San Diego. Apparently the woman mistakenly went there thinking she would be able to find a man who had his own place and didn’t show up in a Star Wars costume.

70 year old Geraldo Rivera tweeted a shirtless selfie of himself. Which serves anyone right for actually having signed up to be a Twitter follower of Geraldo.

70 year old Geraldo Rivera tweeted a shirtless selfie of himself. Ironically, the only people who could stand to look at it were those who aren’t 20/20.

Angus T. Jones has been cut out of the opening of “2 1/2 Men”. How much more can they cut when you are only considered a half man in the first place?

Angus T. Jones has been cut out of the opening of “2 1/2 Men” and will only appear occasionally on the program. They couldn’t cut him any more unless he hadn’t been circumcised.

Former National League MVP Ryan Braun has been suspended for the rest of the baseball season after admitting taking PEDs. Leave it to a a guy on a team called the Brewers to have a drug violation.

Lance Armstrong says that “reality is uncomfortable for many.” Especially the many who realize the reality is that he became rich and famous by being a cheater.

Robert Griffin III tweeted that doctors have cleared him for practice. Out of habit, Yankee General Manager Brian Cashman told him to shut the &#!@ up!”

Britain’s The Guardian newspaper has given its website readers the option to turn off coverage of the Royal Baby. Now if only U.S. websites would allow readers to turn off coverage of Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan and Justin Bieber.

A new device allows computer users to control their PC with air gestures. Which most PC users already know as giving Microsoft the finger.

A study says that Google accounts for 25% of all Internet traffic. Mostly from men who are using it to find the other 75% of their Internet traffic, online porn.

A study says that Google accounts for 25% of all Internet traffic. Apparently the researchers got the statistic by looking it up on Google.

McDonald’s sales have been flat for most of 2013. In fact, the only thing associated with McDonald’s that isn’t flat is the rear ends of their regular customers.

Volvo says it sees a crash free car by 2020. Apparently by then they will have developed the technology to keep Lindsay Lohan from getting behind the wheel.

Billy Ray Cyrus and his wife Tish have called off their divorce plans again. It’s hard to figure out which is more difficult, getting Miley and her fiancee to get married or Billy Ray and his wife to quit.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the Royal Baby has finally arrived, and it is a boy. That’s it? That has been the entire news cycle the past 24 hours? OK, back to watching cats playing the piano and hamsters eating crackers on Youtube. And of course reading the jokes here. And don’t forget, now that you have some spare time off the Royal Baby watch, you can always take a few minutes to send the love!

1 comment:

Sam said...

Love it Jim!