Sunday, July 21, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Kanye West may face felony robbery charges after getting into a fight with a photographer at LAX. It is the biggest robbery associated with West other than anyone who has forked out the money to buy “Yeezus”.

Kanye West may face felony robbery charges after getting into a fight with a photographer at LAX. Apparently the only free photos Kanye is allowing anymore are his mug shots.

A New York Times reporter has been ordered to testify against one of his sources. Media experts were shocked. The Times still has sources?

A judge has ruled that the Detroit bankruptcy filing is unconstitutional. No wonder the U.S. hasn’t defaulted on its debt. If the country goes broke, that means every member of Congress could be charged with violating their oath of office.

The head of the TSA, John Pistole is warning about “Underwear 2”, a new terrorist bomb tactic. It was either that or the worst sequel title in movie history.

The head of the TSA, John Pistole is warning about “Underwear 2”, a new terrorist bomb tactic. It’s always scary when the word “underwear” is put in the same sentence with “number 2”.

San Jose State is suspending some online courses after more than half of those enrolled failed to pass. Apparently they want to rework it so it can’t be accessed by the students over at Cal State Bakersfield.

San Jose State is suspending some online courses after more than half of those enrolled failed to pass. If you can’t even figure out how to cheat to get a passing grade in an online class, you have no business being enrolled in college.

Doctors are warning people against falling victim to “heat rage”. Apparently that is the anger still felt by Cleveland Cavalier fans about the Miami Heat stealing away LeBron James.

Doctors are warning people against falling victim to “heat rage”. Which is the term for people who are fed up with the constant debate about global warming.

Five crew members of the Costa Concordia cruise ship which sank off the coast of Italy were convicted of manslaughter. And those were just the cooks in charge of the buffet table who made it so the passengers were too fat to swim.

Five crew members of the Costa Concordia cruise ship which sank off the coast of Italy were convicted of manslaughter. It was the biggest conviction involving a cruise liner since Carnival was held responsible for dozens of people jumping overboard after finding out their ship booked both Kathie Lee Gifford and Richard Simmons.

Film director Michael Moore has filed for divorce from his wife of 21 years. If he thought corporations, bankers and health insurers were greedy, just wait until his wife’s lawyers get hold of him.

A new Teddy bear comes with sensors to monitor kids’ heart rates and blood pressure. How out of shape have we gotten that even stuffed animals need to be equipped with life alert systems?

Belgian King Albert II will abdicate the throne which will be taken over by Prince Phillipe. So in effect, it looks like King Albert got the can.

Belgian King Albert II will abdicate the throne which will be taken over by Prince Phillipe. Apparently Albert felt it was time his 53 year old son actually got to see what it was like to have a job.

U.S. automakers are thriving as Detroit is filing for bankruptcy. Hoe bad is city management when even Chrysler is calling in advice for how to get out of debt?

A Washington State man has pleaded guilty in a $30 Million Ponzi scheme. To which Wall Street bankers are saying “Amateur!”

The U.S. dropped unarmed bombs on the Great Barrier Reef in Australia. Apparently now that we are winding down the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the military is practicing on our allies until we can start another conflict.

Soviet era weaponry was found on a North Korean freighter in the Panama Canal. Which would really be frightening if it was still 1962.

A hearing is planned this week in Illinois for striking funeral directors. Apparently the funeral directors have the upper hand as no one wants bodies laying around that need to be embalmed in the middle of a summer heat wave.

A hearing is planned this week in Illinois for striking funeral directors. The word is the negotiations have become very stiff.

CBS and Time Warner are in a fight over carriage fees. More than 3 Million Time Warner customers could lose CBS programming. Of which all their customers under 80 are asking “What’s CBS?”

The judge in the Detroit bankruptcy case is a Ponzi scholar. Which means he is already familiar with how the city managed to go bankrupt in the first place.

An analyst says that gasoline prices are likely to climb higher through the summer. Apparently he based his prediction on the fact that higher gasoline prices mean higher profits for oil companies.

Statistics wiz Nate Silver is reportedly moving over to ESPN. Apparently his first project is forecasting how long it will take until Keith Olbermann leaves the network in another meltdown.

Statistics wiz Nate Silver is reportedly moving over to ESPN. He is already figuring out the odds of when someone will shoot Chris Berman the next time he says “Back back back...!”

Statistics wiz Nate Silver is reportedly moving over to ESPN. Apparently the network is tired of their analysts’ predictions coming in with a slightly lower range of accuracy than The Weather Channel.

Michelin is recalling 100,000 tires that have holes and quickly deflate. In fact, the tires are deflating faster than the hopes of Cubs fans once the regular season starts.

Michelin is recalling 100,000 tires that have holes and quickly deflate. Apparently the defect wasn’t noticed as many of the tires are on Chryslers which weren’t running often enough for the owners to notice the tires were flat.

A Swedish engineer has developed a machine that turns sweat into drinking water. If that machine would have been around while Bill Clinton was explaining the Monica Lewinsky affair to Hillary, there would have been enough drinking water to turn the Sahara into a beach resort.

A study says the most common malpractice claims are for missed cancer and heart attacks. Or for pretty much anything else that attorneys think they can work a jury for a cash settlement.

The Boy Scouts have banned obese kids from their National Jamboree. Apparently scouts are considered obese when the only thing they can use their kerchief for is a pocket square.

The Boy Scouts have banned obese kids from their National Jamboree. Apparently a scout is considered obese when a pair of their uniform pants can be used as a tent for the rest of the troop.

A New York surgeon is being accused of performing fake surgeries. At least we know it wasn’t the doctor who did all of Michael Jackson’s nose jobs.

A New York surgeon is being accused of performing fake surgeries. Apparently suspicions were aroused when most of his patients started coming home from the hospital alive.

A New York surgeon is being accused of performing fake surgeries. Which wouldn’t have been discovered except that he complained when he found out his patients were all covered by fake health insurance.

A study says that long distance relationships are stronger than when couples live close to each other. Mostly because men living a long ways from their girlfriend were worried about being hit with a roaming charge.

Kim Kardashian is set to debut her post baby body on Kris Jenner’s talk show. As opposed to how she debuted her pre baby body, which was on her sex tape.

Elin Nordegren says that Lindsey Vonn is a good influence on Tiger Woods and that she really likes her. It’s amazing what a $100 Million divorce settlement will do to change your attitude about what your ex is doing.

Aretha Franklin says that Detroit’s future is bright. To which Detroit says it wishes it could say the same thing about Aretha Franklin.

A Superman/Batman movie teamup is set for 2015. Why does Superman need Batman? Superman can fly, has X-Ray vision and is impervious to bullets. Maybe Batman can sweep up the occasional lump of green Kryptonite that gets in the way.

The San Francisco Giants are looking for a humane way to deal with a recent onslaught of seagulls. It might be tough. They are still looking for a humane way of keeping Barry Bonds away from any Giants events.

The Seattle Mariners beat the Houston Astros while getting only one hit. Of course, getting a hit against the Astros means that someone was swinging at a pitch that wasn’t even near the plate.

Apple has refunded a UK man $6,000 his 8 year old daughter racked up in expenses on his iPad. At least that’s his story. The interesting part was how his daughter was able to find and log on to all those pay required porn sites.

A poll says that Americans’ approval of the Supreme Court is near an all time low. Which the court justices will take into consideration the next time they are up for election.

A poll says that Americans’ approval of the Supreme Court is near an all time low. Political experts were shocked. Americans know there is a Supreme Court?

A secret court has renewed the U.S. phone surveillance program. Which is a great way for the government to deal with being outed doing something illegal. Just make it legal.

An attempt to stop government leakers has resulted in 154 cases but no indictments. Even the Wall Street bankers are asking what is wrong with government investigators.

A U.S. Intelligence official says the war in Syria could last years. Unless we get involved, then it will last for decades.

A survey says that 5% of Americans say they have been naked at the beach. The other 95% are afraid to go because they have seen what the people look like who go to nude beaches.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Make sure to tell a friend about this blog. I need all the readers I can get. Just don’t tell them what’s on it so they might actually read it once. And always make sure to keep sending the love!

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