Thursday, July 18, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A new surgical knife can instantly detect if cancer is present. But then what’s worse, having cancer or being stabbed all over the place to see if you have it?

Queen Elizabeth II has signed a measure approving gay marriage. People were shocked. The Queen has the power to approve something? 

Queen Elizabeth II has signed a measure approving gay marriage. Apparently she figures if they can attract some gay couples, the country might finally be able to get some decent catering.

Paypal accidentally charged a user’s account $92 Quadrillion. Even Congress sent him a letter of congratulations for being able to spend that much money so fast.

Paypal accidentally charged a user’s account $92 Quadrillion. Apparently Paypal’s system misread his bid for only $92 Billion for a piece of Jesus toast.

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is pushing people to use the stairs instead of the elevator. Which is getting more than a little resistance from people who will have to get to work at four in the morning to get to the office on time on the 87th floor of the Empire State Building.

Researchers in England have developed a method of charging a cellphone with urine. Which is great news for all the people who can’t put the phone down even when they are in the bathroom.

Researchers in England have developed a method of charging a cellphone with urine. If nothing else, it keeps people from asking if they can borrow your phone to make a call.

A Ghana official has called for raising the age for marriage from 18-23. Or as 18-23 is called in Alabama, the age for a second and third marriage.

The Cleveland kidnapping suspect has pleaded not guilty to 977 charges against him. Apparently he is hoping to eventually plead guilty to one and have the other 976 dropped.

The Cleveland kidnapping suspect has pleaded not guilty to 977 charges against him. You would think prosecutors could have worked a little harder and come up with 23 more to make it an even 1,000.

An analysis says that Baby Boomers are finding retirement conditions the toughest in decades. For one thing, it’s tough to retire from your job when you are still looking to find one.

An analysis says that Baby Boomers are finding retirement conditions the toughest in decades. Meaning they won’t need to worry about retiring for a few more decades.

The Federal Reserve says the U.S. economy is growing at a modest rate. Apparently they feel if they keep saying it, someday someone will actually believe it.

Mattel Toys has taken a hit as Barbie sales are down 12%. Apparently kids are having trouble believing that Barbie is over 50, made of plastic and doesn’t look more like Cher or Joan Rivers.

The U.S. is seeking new tactics to prosecute Wall Street bankers responsible for the financial meltdown. Apparently the current strategy of bailing their banks out, letting them keep their high paying jobs and looking the other way hasn’t seemed to have much of an effect.

KFC is experimenting with upscale locations called KFC11 that sell only boneless chicken, salads and flatbread sandwiches and have no pictures of the Colonel. In other words, to make KFC upscale they need to remove anything associated with KFC.

Hedge fund manager John Paulson, who made billions of dollars betting against subprime mortgages in the housing collapse says the best advice is to buy a house now. Which makes him about as trustworthy as that Nigerian Prince who keeps e-mailing you about how to make a fortune.

Harrisburg, Pennsylvania is selling a large collection of Old West artifacts to raise money. They would have done better using the museum pieces to rob a Wells Fargo stage coach.

Harrisburg, Pennsylvania is selling a large collection of Old West artifacts to raise money. The people of Harrisburg have that Old West spirit of taking tough situations head on. There was the OK Corral, the James and Youngers and Three Mile Island.

The NCAA is ending its deal with video game maker EA. Ironically, most college students only know their school has athletic teams if they show up on their Xbox.

Drug manufacturer Eli Lilly is freezing the pay of its workers and executives. If the company is losing money and the executives are agreeing to a pay cut, it’s pretty obvious what is happening to all those drugs.

A brain scan to detect ADHD is being labeled by critics as a way for doctors to just make more money. Although the critics forgot what they were complaining about after being distracted by a shiny coin.

A brain scan to detect ADHD is being labeled by critics as a way for doctors to just make more money. Otherwise known as the reason most people become doctors.

A British woman found out the scratching noises in her head were actually caused by maggots. That’s when you know you could probably stand to spend a little more time on personal hygiene.

A study says that older people lacking in Vitamin D are more likely to struggle with physical activity. The question is are they struggling with physical activity because they lack Vitamin D or because they are getting older?

A study says that chemicals found in carpets are tied to thyroid problems. Which is bad news for David Hasselhoff, especially if he is still eating hamburgers off the living room rug.

A study says that “normal” memory slips may signal the onset of Alzheimer’s Disease. Although it took awhile to publish the study because the researchers forgot where they put it.

Jenny McCarthy’s hiring on “The View” is being criticized because of her vocal opposition to vaccines for children. Which is ironic because after watching “The View”, most people ask if there is a vaccine available for brain damage.

Queen Elizabeth II says she wants William and Kate’s baby to arrive before she goes on vacation. People were shocked. When is the Queen not on vacation?

Honey Boo Boo’s mom says whatever path she chooses, her mom will follow. Mostly because she is pretty much the only source of income the family has ever had.

Lindsay Lohan is being paid a reported $2 Million for an eight episode reality show on Oprah’s network. The only question is whether Lohan will even be on time and in character for shooting her every day life.

Lindsay Lohan is being paid a reported $2 Million for an eight episode reality show on Oprah’s network. Apparently the effort will go on her resume as a starring role in a disaster movie.

Tina Turner has married her companion after being together 27 years. Apparently after being married to Ike Turner for 14 years you can never take too much time to jump into another commitment.

Kim Kardashian has broken her silence about her baby and being a mom. Apparently she wanted to have some time with her nannies before she could comment about what it was really like.

Several bands are asking their fans to limit their cellphone use at concerts. Apparently unless you tweet your friends and Facebook videos and pictures of the concert, there is no real proof you were ever there.

Syfy is already working on a sequel to the movie “Sharknado”. Mostly because having an audience that will sit through a movie about tornadoes carrying sharks will pretty much watch just about anything.

Kobe Bryant has auctioned off his parents’ copies of his Championship rings. No one even knows what he did to make his parents so mad he had to buy them rings, too.

Tiger Woods has signed a new deal with Nike. Apparently he is still trying to get back where he was before he signed his deal with Elin.

A Cuban national pitcher has defected in Iowa. How bad are things in Cuba that Iowa is looking like a better deal?

The NFL is working to put its players’ medical records online. Which is a lot less work than trying to keep their criminal records off the Internet.

The creator of the video game “Pong” is back with a trivia card game. Which means they are jumping from the cutting edge technology of the 1970s all the way into the pop culture of the 1980s.

A study says all the Earth’s gold comes from collisions of dead stars. Apparently it is referring to the grills of all the rappers who have been shot to death.

A device installed in urinals that can analyze alcohol content could be used to spot drunks before they drive. Apparently the device knows there is a problem when the person can’t even hit the urinal.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The British Open has started, or as they call it, The Open. That may be a bit pretentious, but we are the ones who call it “The World Series”. I hate to be pretentious, but I am sure you will all feel much better after you send the love!


1 comment:

Sheamus Warior said...

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