Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A Danish woman has run 366 Marathons in 365 days. That’s what happens when you live in a country where gasoline is going for more than $8 a gallon.

Former CIA Director David Petraeus has cut his salary for teaching at CUNY to $1 after being criticized for originally being paid $150,000 a year for one course. The only thing that made Petraeus mad was that his salary was leaked by Edward Snowden.

A Tennessee man is suing Apple for his porn addiction, claiming that there was no filter on his computer to keep him from accessing porn. To which millions of other men were shocked, telling their wives they had no idea you could see porn on a computer.

A Tennessee man is suing Apple for his porn addiction, claiming that there was no filter on his computer to keep him from accessing porn. Next he is suing AOL for having such slow service he kept getting caught by his wife.

The FAA says that near misses between airplanes are up 600% in the past four years. Apparently it was a lot safer when the air traffic controllers were taking naps and letting the pilots fend for themselves.

The FAA says that near misses between airplanes are up 600% in the past four years. Which makes JetBlue the safest airline. It’s hard to crash when all your planes are just sitting on the tarmac all day.

A study says that mosquitoes prefer to bite people who drink beer. That means you are more likely to hear a buzz if you have one.

A study says that mosquitoes prefer to bite people who drink beer. Which means that people who drink Coors Light have nothing to worry about.

A sleep expert says that putting a pillow in the refrigerator helps people sleep in hot weather. Of course the real reason most people can’t sleep is because of all the other things they find in the refrigerator before trying to go to bed.

A study says that pregnant women may be given Viagra to boost their baby’s growth. Of course, that only works if the baby is a boy.

A study says that pregnant women may be given Viagra to boost their baby’s growth. Which is ironic in that without Viagra, most those women wouldn’t be pregnant in the first place.

Police in Japan have busted a home sex delivery service that specialized in women weighing up to 330 pounds. Apparently the ring was broken up as the only way the women could be delivered was by railroad freight car.

Police in Japan have busted a home sex delivery service that specialized in women weighing up to 330 pounds. Do you really need a service for that? Couldn’t those men have attracted the same women just by leaving a bucket of KFC on their porch?

Microsoft researchers say they can predict where people will be years from now. For one thing most of their customers will be found in an Apple Store.

A Chinese museum has been shut down for displaying fake artifacts. There have never been so many phony items on display outside of museums specializing in abstract art.

A Chinese museum has been shut down for displaying fake artifacts. Authorities became suspicious when the statue “The Thinker” was shown contemplating his iPad.

A Chinese museum has been shut down for displaying fake artifacts. If anyone wants to see a building full of Chinese artifacts, all they have to do is go to their local Wal-Mart.

Scientists say that drinking water can improve a person’s reaction time. Their fastest reaction will be spitting out the water, thinking they were picking up a bottle of Coke.

A Florida man awoke in California with no memory and only able to speak Swedish. The man was inundated with thousands of requests to know from which store he bought his medical marijuana.

Eugene Wilkinson, the first person to command a nuclear submarine has died at age 94. The next vessel he commands will be ordered to descend to a depth of six feet.

The owner of the World Trace Center wants to be paid an additional $3.5 Billion by the airlines for 9/11. At least there is one person who is trying to do what he can to get back some of the money the airlines are taking from everyone with all their additional fees.

The IRS has canceled one of its five planned furlough days. It’s nice to see that even they get screwed with an occasional audit.

The IRS has canceled one of its five planned furlough days. Everyone is hoping that one of the days scheduled to be furloughed is still April 15th.

AT&T will let customers upgrade their mobile devices one time each year. Of course, an upgrade to an AT&T customer usually means getting another carrier.

McDonald’s and Visa have put together a budget for people who make $24,000 a year. Or as McDonald’s calls $24,000 a year, people who don’t work at McDonald’s.

McDonald’s and Visa have put together a budget for people who make $24,000 a year. The budget includes no money in credit card interest payments because anyone making $24,000 a year won’t qualify for a Visa card.

McDonald’s and Visa have put together a budget for people who make $24,000 a year. Apparently the budget includes food, housing, utilities and after that you are already in the red.

A Massachusetts donut stand had 55 straight customers pay it forward and pick up the tab for the person behind them. Apparently the good will ended when the last person saw Rosie O’Donnell behind them and knew they would have to take out a second mortgage to pay for that order.

Wendy’s says a design in their logo that says “mom” was unintentional. Apparently it was supposed to say “You aren’t too fat. Order some more fries.”

A Florida bistro closed down and notified employees they were fired by a text message. What’s worse is that the owner told them he was sending them the message while he was driving.

A Florida bistro closed down and notified employees they were fired by a text message. The joke was on him. No one working at a Florida bistro can afford to have a cell phone let along texting service.

A survey says that employers are planning on raising wages 2.9% next year. Which is good news for workers who can go ahead and order that new coffee mug they have had their eye on.

A survey says that employers are planning on raising wages 2.9% next year. Apparently it’s a bonus for the workers who have had to make up for the 87% reduction in the office work force.

Major League Baseball attendance is down by 417,000 from last year at the All-Star break. Apparently people don’t want steroids in sports but they also don’t want to watch men who consider a sacrifice fly as hitting the long ball.

Major League Baseball attendance is down by 417,000 from last year at the All-Star break. Or as the Miami Marlins call 417,000 fans, a pretty good season.

A study says that spatial skills early in life, like taking apart a clock are a sign of creativity. The creative ability comes in handy when kids need to come up with an explanation as to why they dismantled the clock.

A study says that kids whose parents are divorced early in their childhood may have difficulty relating to their parents later. Until they get divorced themselves and finally have something to talk about.

Apps are available to help people eat healthier. If you need an app to eat healthy you are probably unhealthy from being on your iPad too much in the first place.

A study says that eating sugary snacks increase the risk of colorectal cancer. Although probably not as much as sitting on them.

A survey says that 40% of adults favor the legalization of marijuana as long as it is accompanied by tough laws. But then, if it is legalized why do we need any laws for it?

A 30 year study says that the risk of heart disease rises the longer a person is obese. Apparently researchers came to their conclusion after none of their obese subjects made it through the study being fat for 30 years.

Robert Downey, Jr. is now the highest paid actor in Hollywood, making $75 Million last year. Back in the 90s $75 Million was pretty much the street value of his liver.

Justin Bieber reportedly spit on a DJ who was tested for hepatitis. The test came back negative but they are still waiting for the results to come back on cooties.

Keith Olbermann is reportedly nearing a deal to rejoin ESPN. Apparently his career is like multiple marriages. After enough time has passed, your exes forget why they hated you so much when you were together.

The Green Bay Packers say they are going to retire Brett Favre’s #4, just not this season. Apparently even his number can’t decide if it is time to call it quits.

Scientists say they can levitate objects with the power of sound. Hasn’t that already been done? Like when magicians say the word “Abracadabra”?

Scientists say they can levitate objects with the power of sound. Apparently they got the idea watching people crowdsurf in the mosh pit at a concert.

A leak in a spacesuit caused the cancellation of a spacewalk at the International Space Station. It was the worst leak for an astronaut since Lisa Nowak tried to make it all the way across the country wearing those astronaut diapers.

A Russian oil company CEO has set aside $3.7 Million to design a tablet for his personal use. How about using a fraction of that money to just hire someone who actually already knows how to use one?

A survey says that teachers complain that plagiarism and informality are byproducts of digital technology. Apparently they long for the days when plagiarism at least took real work to copy someone else’s material instead of just cutting and pasting.

Senator Lindsey Graham says the U.S. should consider a boycott of the Russian Winter Olympics next year because of their harboring of Edward Snowden. Which came as terrible news to Bode Miller who was all ready to score a huge endorsement from a Russian vodka distiller.

Senator Lindsey Graham says the U.S. should consider a boycott of the Russian Winter Olympics next year because of their harboring of Edward Snowden. Which is a great strategy if you are still living in 1972.

An estimated 5,000 patients a year are denied medical air transportation because they are too obese. At least it makes it easy for doctors to figure out what is wrong with a person when they find out they are too fat to be helicoptered.

Scientists used mummy teeth to find out there was an ancient drought in Egypt. The same technology will help scientists in the future find out absolutely nothing about England.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The All-Star Game was played last night with the American League winning 3-0 with no home runs. Which if nothing else proves that steroids are pretty much out of baseball. You can always hit one out of the park with me by remembering to send the love!

1 comment:

Catherine Bostic said...

Your jokes are always a hit to me, and I send love daily, but since I'm always looking to hit the long ball, I'll send a little extra love today! (Or maybe just a little extra ice cream after dinner...)