Tuesday, July 02, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says that the ratings for the Supreme Court have fallen to an all time low. Even the Chicago Cubs are wondering how nine people can so consistently chalk up a losing record.

A resolution has been proposed to allow members of Congress to vote from home. Just remember what happened when Anthony Weiner tried to cast his lot from the congressional gym.

A resolution has been proposed to allow members of Congress to vote from home. That would save a lot of travel time as members of the House and Senate would only have to come to Washington to pick up their checks from all the lobbyists.

French President Francois Hollande is telling the U.S. to stop spying on Europe. At least that’s what the NSA says he is going to say in a speech he is currently writing.

Philadelphia Rapper Meek Mill has been ordered by a judge to attend etiquette classes. Which for a rapper means knowing to raise your pinkie while shooting a West Coast rival with a Glock.

Philadelphia Rapper Meek Mill has been ordered by a judge to attend etiquette classes. Of course, etiquette classes in Philadelphia teach you to say “Excuse me, ma’am” when flipping off a woman.

Philadelphia Rapper Meek Mill has been ordered by a judge to attend etiquette classes. Etiquette classes in Philadelphia teach people how to correctly cup their mouths while  booing the Pope.

Philadelphia Rapper Meek Mill has been ordered by a judge to attend etiquette classes. Philadelphia etiquette classes are usually taken by New Yorkers right before the Red Sox come into town for a series.
 

A study says that living near the ocean is good for a person’s health. Unless that ocean happens to be one that is currently being drilled by BP.

A study says that living near the ocean is good for a person’s health. Not because of the ocean itself. It just means if you have enough money to live on the beach you also have enough to actually afford health insurance.

The movie “White House Down” came in at a disappointing fourth place at the box office over the weekend. Apparently people confused it with a documentary about President Obama’s poll ratings.

The movie “White House Down” came in at a disappointing fourth place at the box office over the weekend. The movie is about an attack aimed at the President. Apparently people figured they could watch the same thing at home on C-SPAN for free.

China has passed a law requiring people to visit their elderly parents regularly. Apparently guilt is the one inbred trait that the Chinese will never have over the Jews and Catholics.

The Agriculture Department has reportedly told a magician to write a disaster plan for the rabbit he uses in his act. Apparently someone in the agency saw what happened when Bullwinkle kept trying to pull a rabbit out of his hat.

Death Valley has tied the highest June temperature ever recorded in the U.S., 129 degrees set back in 1902. The only hotter place on Earth is a shareholders’ meeting at Paula Deen, Inc.

A California judge has ruled that teaching Yoga classes in public schools is not religious instruction. Apparently the children find meditation useful when looking for inner peace while trying to come up with an explanation they can give their parents about why their grades are so bad.

The Tribune Company has become the largest TV station operator in the U.S. The company went bankrupt in 2008. Which shows that most of their stations are broadcast affiliates of NBC.

California is listed as having 8 of the top 10 auto theft hot spots in the country. That doesn’t even count the thousands of people who are taken for their cash at Chrysler dealerships every day.

Starbucks is opening several drive-thru locations that are made from recycled shipping containers. It’s the biggest recycling system in use at Starbucks other than their restroom urinals.

Aaron Hernandez jerseys are selling for hundreds of dollars on eBay. It stands to reason. Who wants to put their money into Jesus toast when they can instead buy a replica of a uniform worn by an accused murderer?

The NFL has declined an offer to help promote Obamacare. Apparently the NFL says they don’t want to get involved with something that right now falls in popularity somewhere between the Bengals and Aaron Hernandez.

Apple has applied for a trademark for “iWatch”. Apparently that is about as high on people’s wish list as the iVCR and i8Track.

A poll says that Americans have enough money to get by on but lack a cushion to handle an emergency. Like losing the cushion they had before the economy crashed.

A poll says that Americans have enough money to get by on but lack a cushion to handle an emergency. Although it does look like no one has a problem in having enough of a cushion to handle an emergency like falling on their backside.

Dish Network will offer free inflight service on Southwest Airlines flights. The only problem is getting their satellite dish, converter and big screen TV set through the TSA security line.

A small Wisconsin town has passed a law that says bullies can be fined. The only problem is that bullies are just paying the fines for giving wedgies to some kids from the milk money they are taking from the others.

The CEO of Zynga has been replaced by the head of XBox. In other words, all the fake farms are now being managed by the Mario Brothers.

A study says that tobacco taxes and smoking bans will save millions of lives. Until people start using the money they are saving and the extra time they have from not smoking to hang out at McDonald’s all day.

A Netherlands woman says she has unwanted orgasms that start in her foot. Doctors were shocked. Who has unwanted orgasms?

A Netherlands woman says she has unwanted orgasms that start in her foot. The worst part is she now has to get her pelvic exams from her podiatrist.

A Netherlands woman says she has unwanted orgasms that start in her foot. The worst part is when she wants to buy something to make herself feel sexy, she has to go to the Dr. Scholl’s section of the store.

A study says that kids tend to put on more weight during summer vacation. Mostly because they miss out on the exercise they get during the school year of lugging around all those books they never read.

A study says that marital spats tend to decline as people age. Mostly because as people age they are more forgiving, more tolerant and more likely to be divorced.

A study says that many heart patients may be getting their cholesterol checked unnecessarily. Mostly because if you are a heart patient, you can pretty much assume your cholesterol, blood pressure and body fat levels are all through the roof.

A study says that watching an avatar working out may help people lose weight. Either that or they may gain weight from seeing how funny it is to watch a fat person try to work out.

Former “Teen Mom” star Farrah Abraham has checked into rehab for alcohol abuse. Now who would have ever seen that coming?

Former “Teen Mom” star Farrah Abraham has checked into rehab for alcohol abuse. She was pregnant at 16 and made a porn film last year. Who would have ever thought alcohol had a part in any of her life decisions?

Toby Keith’s tour bus caught on fire in Indiana. Fire officials say they have never seen that much smoke coming from a bus that wasn’t carrying Willie Nelson.

Fred Armisen has left “Saturday Night Live” after 11 years. Viewers were shocked. They thought he left in 2008.

Ruben Studdard has announced he will compete on this season’s “Biggest Loser”. Which isn’t to be confused with his career so far after “American Idol”.

A player at Wimbledon stopped a match to ask for quiet from a broadcaster. Apparently the broadcaster was talking so loud because he wasn’t aware that Maria Sharapova had lost and wouldn’t be screaming at any more matches.

A player at Wimbledon stopped a match to ask for quiet from a broadcaster. Apparently John McEnroe was having a flashback and was screaming about a bad call from 1976.

The PGA has banned anchored putters by 2016. Apparently they are just going to wait until all the players who are using them now will be eligible for the seniors tour.

The PGA has banned anchored putters by 2016. Why don’t they ban what is really ruining the game? The idiots who yell out “Go in the hole!” after every shot.

A Huntsville, Alabama minor league baseball team has dropped plans to raffle a gun during a “Second Amendment Night” promotion. For one thing, people were confused because in Alabama every night is Second Amendment Night.

A Huntsville, Alabama minor league baseball team has dropped plans to raffle a gun during a “Second Amendment Night” promotion. However, they are still planning to go ahead with their other promotions for “Free Moonshine Monday” and “Unwed mother Wednesday”.

A teenager has invented a flashlight that is powered from the warmth of a person’s hand. Although you don’t want to know what a teenager was doing to make their hand warm in the first place.

A $15 Million yacht comes with controls that can be run from an iPad. Which means if the yacht could have been run from an Android system it only would have cost $7 Million.

Scientists say it is now possible to forecast El Nino weather patterns a year in advance. Which means that along with global warming and asteroids that are going to pummel the Earth, who cares?

A study says that pot makes people lazy. The study is going to be hard to dispute since it was originally funded back in 1967.

The GAO says that big corporations paid a 12.6% income tax rate in 2010. After they had one year they could say they actually paid something, they had Congress revert them back to their usual 0% rate.

The GAO says that big corporations paid a 12.6% income tax rate in 2010. Apparently after making so much money from the government bailouts and for firing so many workers, the companies decided to give the 12.6% as a tip to their friends in Congress.

A Nevada man has implanted magnets into his ears to turn them into “invisible headphones”. Apparently he did this at the command of the voices already inside his head.

A Nevada man has implanted magnets into his ears to turn them into “invisible headphones”. Unfortunately the north-south alignment of the magnets has made him bipolar.

Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman General Martin Dempsey says that “winning our nation’s wars is no longer enough.” After Iraq, Afghanistan, Vietnam, and Korea it would at least be a start.

Jennifer Lopez is pleading ignorance as to why she traveled to Turkmenistan to sing “Happy Birthday” to a dictator. Her fans don’t care about that. They still want to know what she was thinking when she signed on for “Gigli”.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s July the 2nd. That was the day that John Hancock actually started writing the signature he put on the Declaration of Independence. All you need to do is put your “X” on the Declaration of Love!

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