Sunday, June 09, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The Post Office reveals it photographs every piece of mail it processes. The pictures are then placed on milk cartons all over the country for anyone who may be able to help find them.

76 year old cosmonaut Valentina Tereshkova, the first woman in space back in 1963 says she would like to be on a one way trip to Mars. Not for the adventure, but because a year on Mars takes twice the time as one on Earth.

“The Purge” took the top box office spot over the weekend. Apparently a lot of teenage boys went to see it thinking it was about hot looking college coeds and supermodels.

Dennis Rodman says that LeBron James would have been only an average player in the 90s. Mostly because in 1990 James was only six years old.

Federal prosecutors are seeking a four year sentence for Jesse Jackson, Jr. who pleaded guilty to stealing $750,000 of his own campaign funds. That means he will have served 11 terms, ten in Congress and one in prison.

President Obama is citing California to tout how his Affordable Health Care Act is working. Now all people in California need is a law that would let them be able to afford to buy a house, gasoline and utilities.

A JetBlue flight from Boston to Florida had to make an emergency landing in New Jersey after being struck by lightning. People on the flight said they had never been so scared in their lives. Imagine realizing you have to spend some time in New Jersey.

A JetBlue flight from Boston to Florida had to make an emergency landing in New Jersey after being struck by lightning. Aviation experts were shocked. A JetBlue plane was actually off the tarmac and in the air?

French President Francois Hollande says the Eurozone debt crisis is over. Apparently all they did was look at the U.S. national debt of $16 Trillion and say compared to us they are actually looking pretty good.

The Philadelphia School District is laying off nearly 4,000 workers including more than 600 teachers. It serves them right. If the schools had taught the Philadelphia city officials how to properly add and subtract, they wouldn’t be in the financial mess that caused the layoffs in the first place.

The U.S. unemployment rate is up to 7.6%. The other 92.4% have managed to qualify for disability, Social Security or living in their parents’ basement.

The Pentagon says that Boeing charged $13 Million too much for various parts. The amazing part is that the parts weren’t even for airplanes.

The Pentagon says that Boeing charged $13 Million too much for various parts. It turns out those $600 toilet seats back in the 80s were actually a discount.

The Pentagon says that Boeing charged $13 Million too much for various parts. The Pentagon has figured out how to get the money back. They are now charging soldiers a $50 fee for all duffel bags on flights.

A lunch meeting with Warren Buffett was auctioned off for $1 Million. That is considerably less than last year’s winner who spent $3.5 Million. Apparently Buffett’s advice to last year’s winner was not to spend $3.5 Million on lunch.

A lunch meeting with Warren Buffett was auctioned off for $1 Million. That is considerably less than last year’s winner who spent $3.5 Million. Apparently that was the bid of Michael Moore who mistakenly thought he was bidding on a buffet.

A lunch meeting with Warren Buffett was auctioned off for $1 Million. That is considerably less than last year’s winner who spent $3.5 Million. Apparently it sounds like a good deal when you realize the same price gets you about six shares of Buffett’s Berkshire Hathaway stock.

The estimate of the NSA budget to spy on Americans is between $10-20 Billion a year. And that’s just to pay people to try to figure out what the abbreviations actually mean in all the text messages they are intercepting from teenagers.

The estimate of the NSA budget to spy on Americans is between $10-20 Billion a year. Just think how much more it would have to be if Joe Biden was a private citizen and they had to take the time to try to decipher what he was saying in his phone calls.

The estimate of the NSA budget to spy on Americans is between $10-20 Billion a year. Apparently there could be some real problems with access to phone records when Siri is called to testify on who is asking her out on dates.

Ford’s Lincoln division is cutting back on their offer of free maintenance. Or as Chrysler calls maintenance, the very reason their company exists.

A man is suing an Oklahoma plastic surgeon who completely removed his nose. Although at least the man now is making a living as a Michael Jackson impersonator.

Aerosmith organist Rudi Tanzi is a doctor who is an expert on genetics and ageing research. Apparently he just plays with the band so he can study Steven Tyler and try to figure out how he is still alive.

A study says that even mild weight loss lowers teens’ risk of diabetes. After that, they can work on the gout, heart disease and high blood pressure.

A study says that even mild weight loss lowers teens’ risk of diabetes. Remember when the biggest medical problem on the minds of teenagers was acne?

A study says that young adults who have implanted defibrillators have anxiety related sexual problems from feat of being shocked. To which Dick Cheney says “Wimps!”

A study says that young adults who have implanted defibrillators have anxiety related sexual problems from feat of being shocked. The question is why is anyone young enough to still have sex doing with an implanted defibrillator in the first place?

A study says that pent up stress may harm the health of middle aged women. Mostly because middle aged women are the ones who have the most stress because their kids are now teenagers.

Research says that restaurant visits by customers 18-30 years of age are down by 16%. Mostly because they don’t want to spend their free time where they work since the food industry has the only jobs they can get anymore.

A company has developed a mouth guard that can detect concussions in athletes. Apparently when a football player is hit hard enough to knock their mouth guard across the field, there is a good chance they have a concussion.

A University of Virginia fraternity member went into a coma after drinking a quart of soy sauce. People were asking what would make a fraternity force someone to drink soy sauce? The answer is they apparently ran out of alcohol, Tabasco sauce and vinegar.

A University of Virginia fraternity member went into a coma after drinking a quart of soy sauce. The worst part is he was thirsty again in an hour.

The first drive-in theater opened up 80 years ago this week. Which means that nine months from now will be the 80th birthday of a baby whose parents were at the premier.

A new documentary looks at the life and career of Morton Downey, Jr. To which everyone under 40 is asking “Who is Morton Downey, Jr.?”

A new documentary looks at the life and career of Morton Downey, Jr. To which everyone under 30 is asking “You mean the guy in Iron Man?”

A fan has paid $13,000 for a fingernail that was worn by Lady Gaga. Anyone who pays that much for a fingernail deserves for it to come off her middle finger.

The “Archie” comics gang could be headed for a live action movie. Which means playing the redheaded main character might finally give a shot at a lead role for David Caruso, Seth Green or Danny Bonaduce.

A report says that Bruce Jenner and Kris Kardashian are living apart. Apparently it’s a bigger adjustment than most people think to go from being an Olympic Champion to living in a three ring circus.

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel is pitching Soldier Field as a future site for the Super Bowl. Apparently the NFL likes the idea, because they don’t want a venue where the home town team could gain an advantage by actually making it to the game.

Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson threw out the first pitch for a game that was “clocked” at 98 mph. Not to say the Mariners are trying to embellish their pitchers, but even R.A. Dickey has been measured at 105 mph in Seattle.

Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson threw out the first pitch for a game that was “clocked” at 98 mph. Not to say the Mariners are trying to embellish their pitchers, but even a Prius could get a speeding ticket if the police were using that Radar gun.

A school notebook belonging to President Lincoln as a young man shows he was a good math student. Although apparently he did fail trigger-nometry.

A school notebook belonging to President Lincoln as a young man shows he was a good math student. So how much math could there have been back around in the early 1800s?

An informant says the U.S. Government collects 100 Billion surveillance records each month. Which means not counting teenagers’ texting, that could be as many as ten other phone calls.

The Governor of New Hampshire has freed 14 slaves who petitioned for emancipation during the American Revolution. People were shocked. At one time there were black people in New Hampshire?

Northeast Colorado wants to become a separate state. They want to be called “North Colorado.” One way to stop the movement is to insist they be called “South Nebraska” or “South Wyoming.”

The NSA says that Congress was briefed thirteen times about the phone record collection. Apparently no one in Congress was paying attention until it became a reason to go after President Obama.

The Obama Administration says it will probe whomever leaked about government phone and e-mail surveillance. Wouldn’t you know that the beans must have been spilled by the one person on whom they weren’t eavesdropping.

A report says that some military parts are being imported from China. No one even knew the Pentagon had started shopping for parts at Wal-Mart.

Nik Wallenda will try to become the first person to tightrope walk across the Grand Canyon. Which means the worst job in the world goes to the person who has to ride a donkey down the Canyon, across the Colorado River and up the other side to tie the rope.

John Dingell from Michigan has become the longest serving member of Congress at nearly 21,000 days. Which would be the equivalent of working at any other job for as long as two months.

Marilyn Manson dedicated a song at a concert to Michael Jackson’s daughter Paris. That is finally starting to give a possible reason behind her suicide attempt.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The French Open was won by Spaniard Rafael Nadal. At the trophy presentation even he told fellow countryman Sergio Garcia to get over Tiger. You don’t need to get over anything. Just make sure you take some time to send the love!

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