Friday, June 07, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The CIA is investing in robot reporters that take information and plug it into an algorithm to write reports. Apparently the technology was perfected by Fox News.

Google says it can predict a movie's box office within 94%. Which can be done with any Eddie Murphy movie by just guessing "zero".

Miniature hotel rooks have debuted at Dallas' DFW Airport where people can rest between flights. They can also be booked for thirty people at the same time who want to get used to conditions in case they are booked for a flight on Southwest Airlines.

Miniature hotel rooks have debuted at Dallas' DFW Airport where people can rest between flights. They can be rented by the hour, and monthly rates are available for people flying JetBlue.

The world's oldest tumor was found on a bone in the remains of a 120,000 year old Neanderthal. And you thought your HMO was slow with getting a diagnosis in.

Swimming and film star Esther Williams has died at age 91. While shooting her underwater scenes, she had to hold her nose more than an audience at an Adam Sandler movie.

Iowa City, Iowa could become one of the first cities in the country to ban drones. Of course, why would anyone need a drone to spy on Iowa City?

Nestle and Mars are being accused of price fixing chocolate. There's no need to fix the price of chocolate. Men will pay whatever it takes to get as much as it takes when their wife is PMSing.

The Fed says that Americans' net worth has reached pre-recession levels. Unfortunately, it's the recession of 1887.

Russian President Vladimir Putin and his wife have announced they are divorcing, citing her problems with flying. Apparently "Aeroflot" is Russian for "United".

Tax authorities have seized the offices of a Bolivian newspaper. If he would have done that he could have turned his IRS and AP scandals into official business.

McDonald’s is offering breakfast items on its menu after midnight. That way the expanded menu will allow people to expand their waistlines 24 hours a day.

McDonald’s is offering breakfast items on its menu after midnight. That way, people who can’t decide if it’s too late for a Big Mac or too early for an Egg McMuffin can now just eat both.

A county in northern Florida will allow a monument to atheists. Apparently the monument will be a stone sculpture of the No Commandments.

President Obama is pitching a plan to provide Wi-Fi to all schools in the country. It will give kids with laptops and tablets the same opportunities to cheat on tests with kids who can afford a smartphone.

President Obama is pitching a plan to provide Wi-Fi to all schools in the country. Which will allow teachers to utilize their time between classes to hit on their students on Facebook.

The makers of Cadbury have developed a melt proof chocolate. Which is going to make for some very frustrating fondue parties.

The makers of Cadbury have developed a melt proof chocolate. Don’t we already have that? It’s called a Tootsie Roll.

Chrysler is recalling 630,000 Jeeps for transmission and other problems. Apparently they want to find out why the other parts are actually still working.

A bill to legalize online gambling has been introduced in Congress. Don’t we already have that? It’s called those pop up subprime mortgage loan ads on your computer.

A bill to legalize online gambling has been introduced in Congress. Why not give all Americans the chance to go inescapably in debt from home like Congress has done from their House?

Friday is National Donut Day. Or as most Americans know it as, “Friday”.

Friday is National Donut Day. Which is not to be confused with National Eclair Day, National Pie Day, National Cookie Day...

Friday is National Donut Day. Which is the one day of the year people are supposed to try to just eat one donut. 

A study says that nearly half of all Americans don’t drink enough water. The other half at least put some ice into their Big Gulp soda.

A study says that nearly half of all Americans don’t drink enough water. The other half drink Coors Light and say “What’s the difference?”

A study says that people who eat a Mediterranean diet, don’t smoke and exercise regularly have an 80% lower chance of developing heart disease. To which most Americans say to do all those changes they are going to need some better odds than that.

The U.S. birth rate held steady in 2012. Researchers say it is steady because the economy is still down, people are waiting longer before committing to having a family or Kevin Federline had a vasectomy.

A study says that cannabis can prevent brain damage. Which is good news for the people who can’t remember the past 30 years from smoking too much weed.

A study says that vision and dyslexia are not linked. Which is good news for dyslexics who can take off their glasses and see that their vision and reading problems are not nilked.

The CDC says that people had better get used to killer heat waves. To which people in Vermont are saying they just can’t take that many more days in the 70s.

Honey Boo Boo’s dog was hit and killed by a car. Which for most people in Georgia is no problem as one of their other 30 dogs will have a new litter any day now.

Honey Boo Boo’s dog was hit and killed by a car. Which was unfortunate as the dog was in the middle of negotiations to get its own reality show.

Prince Philip was admitted to a London hospital for surgery. Was there seriously any chance of him not being admitted?

Prince Philip was admitted to a London hospital for surgery. Apparently he went in for “exploratory surgery following an abdominal investigation.” What, the Royals get surgery for stomach aches?

Russell Brand’s show “Brand X” on FX has been canceled. Which means FX cancelled “Brand X” featuring Katie Perry’s ex because he was too X-rated.

NBA Commissioner David Stern says the penalties to stop players from flopping are too weak. Even the penalties are a flop.

NBA Commissioner David Stern says the penalties to stop players from flopping are too weak. The Clippers say it isn’t fair. Their players aren’t flopping, they just have trouble staying on their feet.

Researchers at the University of Minnesota have developed a small helicopter than can be controlled by a person’s thoughts. Apparently the goal is for science students to live their life long dream of being able to make their propeller beanies really fly.

Researchers at the University of Minnesota have developed a small helicopter than can be controlled by a person’s thoughts. Is that really a good idea for aviation? All terrorists would have to do would be to start thinking about the Hindenburg.

Apple may start an iPhone trade in program at their stores. Which means people will be able to buy a new iPhone and trade it in for the newest upgrade that was just introduced before they get out the door.

The U.S. claims it was protecting Americans by collecting phone data from Verizon. Mostly because they know that terrorists aren’t going to be able to actually have a connection long enough with anyone to make an attack plan if they are using AT&T.

An artist wants to print out and display the entire Internet. Which is a legal way of saying he wants to open a porn shop.

The author of the Patriot Act says the NSA phone records collection was “never the intent of the law.” Apparently the law was supposed to go no further than opening mail, hacking into personal computers and peeping into bedroom windows.

The New York Times Editorial Board says the Obama Administration has lost all credibility. The Times is just mad that with the Verizon phone data collecting, AP scandal and Fox reporter monitoring the administration is as worried about the Times as they are the local Pennysaver.

A poll says that most Americans say that same sex marriage should be the call of the individual states. Mostly because they know that Congress is too scared or lazy to actually get anything done on a national level.

A poll says that 39% of Americans say the economy is good. No one even knew that many people were working as home foreclosers, repo men and bankruptcy lawyers.

Ann Romney says she would hesitate to encourage her sons to run for political office. Apparently it would be tougher to take an embarrassing defeat from your own blood than from someone you just happened to marry.

John Dingell has become the longest serving member of Congress at more than 57 years. Which means he is the one we can pretty much blame for everything.

John Dingell has become the longest serving member of Congress at more than 57 years. Apparently he would like to retire but sitting around on the couch all day and an occasional round of golf sounds like too much work compared to what he’s used to.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Happy Donut Day. We would be the only country that celebrates the cause of our very undoing. Oh, well. If it weren’t for donut shops, where would we go to find the police in an emergency? Just make sure when you finish the last of the Krispy Kremes to wipe off a few of the crumbs and send the love!

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