Thursday, June 06, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A report says the population of rural and small town America dropped for the first time on record. Apparently reality shows like “Duck Dynasty”, “Honey Boo Boo” and “Buckwild” have scared rural dwellers to go into the cities where there are fewer crazies.

Co-hosts on a New York self help radio show called “The Pursuit of Happiness” died in a double suicide. Apparently you need to be careful when you ask a radio audience what would really make them happy.

A UCLA report says the economy has seen no “Great Recovery”, and that we aren’t even experiencing normal growth yet. Just like it wouldn’t be great to be stuck on a life boat, but it’s better than being left on the Titanic.

An extreme weight loss method calls for a patch to be sewn on the tongue that makes it painful to eat. If you are that desperate why not just sew the person’s lips closed?

An extreme weight loss method calls for a patch to be sewn on the tongue that makes it painful to eat. If people think pain will stop them from eating, then are so many people still going to Taco Bell?

A proposed law in Chicago would fine people $1,500 for littering and even impound their cars. Which might result in people openly tearing up and scattering on the street their Chrysler owner’s manual.

A House panel has approved a measure to cut the number of military camouflage patterns to save money. Or they could just stop spending a trillion dollars on invading countries that pose no threat to us.

An 84 year old Florida woman has come forward as the winner of the $590 Million Powerball jackpot. Other Floridians were jealous, saying it’s a shame all that money is being wasted on the young.

An 84 year old Florida woman has come forward as the winner of the $590 Million Powerball jackpot. Noe she can splurge like never before, and actually turn the thermostat all the way down to 78.

Pope Francis says that wasting food is like stealing from the poor. Of course, there isn’t much left to steal from the poor once the banks, payday lenders and rent-to own businesses are done with them.

French President Francois Hollande was given a U.N. sponsored peace prize. So all those years of running from the enemy have finally paid off.

The TSA has dropped a plan to allow knives, baseball bats and golf clubs on airplanes. Apparently golf clubs are only a problem if Tiger Woods and Sergio Garcia are ever booked on the same flight.

The TSA has dropped a plan to allow knives, baseball bats and golf clubs on airplanes. Apparently they were thinking what would be wrong with letting passengers do some whittling, take some batting practice or hit a bucket of balls to pass the time on a flight?

Toyota has recalled 242,000 Prius and Lexus hybrids for brake problems. It’s not really much of a problem since neither of those cars can go fast enough to actually ever have to need their brakes.

The Koch brothers are reportedly looking at buying newspapers, as long as they are profitable. Which is a good idea if they can find a way to get back to 1983.

Casinos in New Jersey and Nevada have banned gamblers from wearing Google Glass. Although anyone caught wearing them will find they are helpful in looking up a nearby doctor who can set two broken legs.

The EPA says the nation’s drinking water systems need $384 Billion worth of upgrades. For that kind of money, it would be cheaper for everyone to take baths in Perrier.

The EPA says the nation’s drinking water systems need $384 Billion worth of upgrades. People were shocked. Who actually drinks tap water anymore?

The American Bankruptcy Institute says that total bankruptcy filings were down 12% last year. Apparently most Americans don’t have enough money left to even afford to do the paperwork.

The American Bankruptcy Institute says that total bankruptcy filings were down 12% last year. How bad would it be if a group called the American Bankruptcy Institute were to run out of money?

Spirit Airlines will soon offer cans of wine for sale on flights. That’s in First Class. Coach gets a bottle of Welch’s grape juice and has to wait for it to ferment.

Spirit Airlines will soon offer cans of wine for sale on flights. Apparently they are trying to put the spirits back into Spirit.

Spirit Airlines will soon offer cans of wine for sale on flights. Before it was only offered to anyone sitting in the cockpit.

Donald Trump has been chosen to convert the old D.C. Post Office Building into a luxury hotel. In keeping with the spirit of the Postal Service, there will be long lines to check in, room service will arrive within seven working days and First Class costs more but is actually exactly the same as everything else.

Donald Trump has been chosen to convert the old D.C. Post Office Building into a luxury hotel. Trump will no doubt run the hotel like the Post Office. The rates will change daily, employees will get breaks every ten minutes and it will be bankrupt within a year.

A report says that student aid fraud incidents have increased by 82%. The easiest way to tell if someone is posing as a student to try to get student aid money is when they put on their application they want to actually attend UNLV for an education.

Top law enforcement officials will meet to try to thwart the increase in cellphone thefts. Although it turns out many AT&T customers are actually just letting thieves take their phones to make their lives less frustrating.

Top law enforcement officials will meet to try to thwart the increase in cellphone thefts. Now if they could do something about the real cellphone theft problem called the monthly wireless provider’s bill.

A necklace made from natural pearls has sold for $1.6 Million. Which means the pearls on that necklace are going to be the only natural part on the woman who ends up wearing them.

A study says that energy drinks are no better than caffeine for helping someone pay attention. The only problem is that people who buy energy drinks can’t pay attention long enough in the first place to read studies like that.

A study says that in flight medical emergencies are rare. Much more rare at least than when airlines still served in flight meals.

A study says that in flight medical emergencies are rare. In fact, one of the most common medical emergencies on Jet Blue flights are births from sitting on the tarmac for nine months after joining the mile high club.

The U.S. has declared the outbreak of the Middle East virus a potential emergency. We really have it out for the Middle East. We just fought two wars there, chased Osama bin Laden around the world and are now going after them for the flu.

A study says that men are more likely to develop infections from receiving health care. Mostly because women are too busy working, taking care of the kids and cleaning the house to have time to ever actually visit the doctor.

A study says that cheese may help make for a healthy smile. When is the last time you ever saw a rat who was frowning?

Scientists say they have identified the gene behind the onset of early puberty. Apparently it was first discovered while examining the DNA of Mila Kunis.

A Minnesota woman running in a half Marathon developed back pain that led to her giving birth when she didn’t even know she was pregnant. Which meant when filling out the baby’s birth certificate, where it said “race” she put down “did not finish.”

A study says that atrial fibrillation may speed memory loss in seniors. At least that’s their excuse when they keep forgetting to pay their cardiologist’s bill.

Justin Bieber has set a record with 40 Million Twitter followers. Apparently people are just trying to goad him into tweeting while he is driving so he will finally crash that Ferrari.

Keith Olbermann has been signed by TBS as an anchor for postseason baseball. Apparently TBS and Bravo are the only two networks left where Olbermann hasn’t worked and been fired from yet.

A tanker overturned on a New Jersey highway, spilling 6,000 gallons of Scotch. There hasn’t been that much liquor spilled since the last bar hopping episode of “Jersey Shore”.

A poll says that a majority of U.S. adults own a smartphone. The rest are still waiting for their kids to show them how to actually use one.

The Connecticut Senate has passed a bill which deletes the Wright Brothers from history, saying the first flight took place in Connecticut. If the state wants to change the history books to save its reputation, it will find some way to deny that George W. Bush was born there.

A study says that driving with hands free devices is not necessarily safer. Especially when it frees your hands up to put on makeup, eat lunch or read a newspaper.

A poll says that older Americans’ moral attitude has changed, mostly in acceptance of teen sex. Especially the older Americans who are still have accounts on Myspace.

A poll says that one third of Americans are happy with the economy. The other two thirds couldn’t take the poll because they couldn’t get Wi-Fi service in the park they are living in.

A poll says that one third of Americans are happy with the economy. The other two thirds are still waiting for their applications for disability, unemployment and food stamps to be approved.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the blog. Make sure to tell your friends about it. if they tell two friends, then they tell two, etc. I should hit my goal of 7 Billion daily readers by 2089. In the meantime, feel free to keep sending the love! 

No comments: