Wednesday, June 05, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Four llamas were involved in a Florida car accident. It was the biggest wreck involving a Llama since Lorenzo starred in “Renegade”.

The latest sinkhole in Florida swallowed a swimming pool. Isn’t a sinkhole swallowing a swimming pool redundant?

Queen Elizabeth II is celebrating the 60th anniversary of her coronation. Which means Prince Charles has been waiting for the throne longer than someone with five daughters  and one bathroom.

Chrysler says it won’t recall 2.7 Million Jeeps that federal regulators say could catch fire. Apparently Chrysler isn’t worried, as the only ones that might catch fire are the ones that will actually start up in the first place.

A 66 year old Hong Kong man just found out that he is actually a woman. It was the longest known case of sexual ambiguity on record since Elmo.

A Scarsdale, New York soccer mom and equestrian was arrested for heading up a $3 Million marijuana operation. She went from bales of hay to bales of pot and now just bail.

A study says that obesity surgery may be better at reducing diabetes than medication or lifestyle changes. Apparently going under the knife is a lot easier for some people than putting down the knife and fork.

An 18 year old California entrepreneur is selling flights on vintage jets. Otherwise known as booking flights on United Airlines.

Apple is on the verge of rolling out its own music streaming service called iRadio. Apparently they are already starting to cut corners on the cost when they announced that the DJ for every station is going to be Siri.

A report says that U.S. home prices are up 12% over this time last year. Which is sad because by the time people finally get enough money saved to buy back their foreclosed home it will be priced out of their range.

An air bag recall may affect another 400,000 GM vehicles. The good news is the recall won’t affect any Chrysler vehicles because they can’t go fast enough to cause the airbags to ever deploy.

Jockey has introduced a $60 bra that comes in 55 sizes. Remember the old days when people were thin and undergarments for breast support weren’t made by men’s underwear companies?

The CEO of United Airlines is vowing that his company will offer better service this summer. To which most United passengers are asking if there is any way the airline could offer service that is worse?

The CEO of United Airlines is vowing that his company will offer better service this summer. Of course, that will only come to people who shell out the new $50 good service fee at the gate.

The CEO of United Airlines is vowing that his company will offer better service this summer. By that he only means better service than the TSA.

The CEO of United Airlines is vowing that his company will offer better service this summer. Which means the company apparently is backing down from its previous plan to arm all its flight attendants with cattle prods.

Amazon says it is going to launch a grocery delivery business in the Bay Area this year. Which means people can have fresh produced delivered right to their home. At least if they pay the extra charge for speedy delivery. Everyone else will basically get compost.

Disney’s California Adventure Park saw a 22.6% increase in visitors last year. Apparently those were the people who thought it was way too crowded over at Knott’s Berry Farm.

Disney’s California Adventure Park saw a 22.6% increase in visitors last year. People like the idea of the Hollywood Land exhibit which is only about a half hour from the real Hollywood but let’s them imagine what it would be like without the crime, drug dealers and hookers.

Cubans have had their first chance to try out Internet centers across the country. The centers offer erratic Internet connections for an hour at a cost of about a week’s wages. At least it gives them a chance to see what it’s like to live in the U.S. and have AOL.

Cubans have had their first chance to try out Internet centers across the country. The worst part is they get access to five Internet sites that show Fidel Castro throwing darts at a map of Florida.

A study says that Apple’s new headquarters in California could add 7,400 jobs, bringing the company’s employee total to more than 23,000. And that’s just in the PR department to try to explain why Apple doesn’t pay any taxes or make any products in the U.S.

Hotels in the U.S. are starting to adopt airlines’ no frills policies to save money. Not only do some of them not provide maid service, they have someone pretending to be your mother come up to your room and tell you to clean up the mess you made.

Hotels in the U.S. are starting to adopt airlines’ no frills policies to save money. Which means not only do you have to carry your own luggage to your room, you now have to pay a $50 charge for each piece when you check in.

The Dow ended a streak of 21 straight Tuesdays that ended with a gain. Which also ended the streak of 21 straight Wednesday lobster lunch buffets at all the Wall Street restaurants.

Dollar General stock fell its most in two years. If it drops any lower, it will be offered for sale over at the 99 Cent Store.

A study says that young parents are not worried about their kids using technology. Although they would if they realized that using all that technology might lead to their kids becoming even younger parents.

A report says that one in five families can’t pay their medical bills. The other four have all just declared bankruptcy.

A report says that one in five families can’t pay their medical bills. The other four have paid their medical bills but in the meantime lost their house, car and furniture.

A Texas company is selling breast milk flavored lollipops. Or as men call breast milk flavored lollipops, “breasts”.

Researchers say that aspirin is just as good as more expensive blood thinners after hip surgery. Aspirin also helps in relieving the headache pain caused when patients get their hip surgery hospital bills.

Doctors say that large handbags are causing undue stress on women’s shoulders. Which is almost as much stress that is put on husbands when their wife buys a $1500 Louis Vuitton bag.

Researchers say that weight loss surgery may help moderately obese people, too. Or as moderately obese people are now called, “skinny”.

Amanda Bynes’ meltdown has led to an offer from Playboy Radio. What good is Playboy Radio? That is like Playboy magazine coming out in a Braille format.

A study says that Alzheimer’s drugs may have heart benefits. If nothing else they make the heart patients keep remembering to take their heart medications.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries’ divorce has finally been granted. The only way Humphries could go through something that embarrassing for that long would be to be traded to the Clippers.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries’ divorce has finally been granted. It’s good to see Americans’ are getting back to so real family values. Kim Kardashian’s second divorce comes just in time for her to have a baby with her rapper boyfriend.

Porn star Mr. Marcus has been jailed for knowingly spreading syphilis. To which everyone under 40 is asking “What’s syphilis?”

Porn star Mr. Marcus has been jailed for knowingly spreading syphilis. People were shocked. A person billing himself as “Mr. Marcus” was doing straight porn?

A real life prehistoric lizard has been named after “Lizard King” Jim Morrison. Which is not to be confused with the prehistoric Larry King.

Two thirds of Americans say that wearable technology should be regulated. Remember when wearable technology meant a wristwatch?

Miss America 2003 Erika Harold has announced she is running for Congress in Illinois. Her platform is world peace, ending hunger and making sure every child gets a pony.

A report says that in five years, one half of all the people on Earth will be connected to the Internet. The other half will just have to be old school and rely on magazines and DVDs to get their porn.

A report says that in five years, one half of all the people on Earth will be connected to the Internet. The other half will just have to imagine the possibility of watching endless videos of cats playing the piano and hamsters eating a cracker.

Senator Marco Rubio is calling for a Constitutional Amendment to stop Obamacare. If these guys were half as diligent on trying to get the economy fixed, we would all be millionaires by now.

Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant says that education problems started when women started working. Of course, women started working because their husbands’ Mississippi education wasn’t good enough so they could get a job that paid a wage that could actually support a family.

Federal workers could soon have a plan that would allow them a “phased retirement” where they work less and less as they approach retirement age. Otherwise known as having a government job.

Georgia Senator Saxby Chambliss says that “hormones” could be behind recent military sexual assaults. If there are any out of control hormones involving the military, it is the ones driving politicians to make up for their own lack of testosterone by starting wars every couple of years.

Senator John McCain says that women should avoid the military until the sexual assault crisis is solved. Until then, he says they should just stay in the kitchen and bedroom where they belong.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Make sure to pass along the blog to all your friends. I have already told both of mine. The only other thing you need to do is make sure once in awhile to send the love!

1 comment:

Catherine Bostic said...

Amanda Bynes’ meltdown has led to an offer from Playboy Radio. What good is Playboy Radio? That is like Playboy magazine coming out in a Braille format.

Actually, I think men would like the Braille version...