Tuesday, June 04, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Michael Douglas says that oral sex caused his throat cancer. Talk about someone who got just a little bit too much into character for his role as Liberace.

The FBI says that violent crime went up 1.2% across the country in 2012. And that was just during debates on whether or not we should have gun control.

Germany has dropped the longest word in their language, a 63 letter long word for testing beef. Apparently they are following the lead of Taco Bell, who doesn’t have a word for that anymore either.

Dunkin Donuts has introduced a sandwich consisting of an egg and bacon on a glazed donut. Whoever thought the McGriddle would some day be considered a healthy alternative?

The Jordanian government has blocked access to 300 Internet news sites. Ironically, that was the first decent news story to write about in Jordan in years.

The Jordanian government has blocked access to 300 Internet news sites in an attempt to stop criticism of King Abdullah II. To which Prince Charles is saying “Which cable do I have to cut to do that?”

Bill Clinton will be paid a reported $500,000 for giving a 45 minute speech in Israel. You never have to pay Clinton to talk. The half million is to get him to stop.

Experts say the upcoming election in Iran won’t change anything. Change isn’t exactly at the forefront of Iran culture anyway. Take away the shoes and cars and you are pretty much experiencing life in the 15th century.

The U.S. Embassy in Egypt is warning that street vendors near the pyramids are becoming violent. To which Manhattan residents are saying “And that is different from what?”

A Saudi prince reportedly spent $20 Million on a three day trip to Disneyland Paris. Let’s just say that Snow White now works blue.

A Saudi prince reportedly spent $20 Million on a three day trip to Disneyland Paris. Or as most people call that, a three day trip to a Disney theme park.

A Saudi prince reportedly spent $20 Million on a three day trip to Disneyland Paris. Apparently that included the additional fee to have the French park employees try to actually be friendly.

A survey says that German and American tourists are the best tippers. Mostly because Germans and Americans are just happy to be in another country without being there as part of a military exercise.

A survey says that one out of three Americans prepares a household budget. Mostly because the other two are waiting until they actually have the income part of the budget to go along with the expenses.

Target is introducing a personal concierge service at their stores. Apparently the concierge helps people who want high quality items figure out which stores actually offer them.

Cadillac reports its sales this year are up 38%. Apparently the economy is coming back enough where the new status symbol for people who lost their homes is to be able to afford to live in a luxury vehicle.

A poll says that spouses are the worst backseat drivers. Although the real question is how bad is your marriage in the first place when you make your spouse sit in the back?

Wal-Mart is now offering a money back guarantee with their produce. Which is good news for the three Wal-Mart customers who shop for groceries other than potato chips and Kool-Aid.

The new head of the IRS says that taxpayers no longer trust the agency. It’s just a good thing for him that only a few people in this country actually have an income any more.

The new head of the IRS says that taxpayers no longer trust the agency. Which is also pretty much what the first head of the IRS used to say.

The new head of the IRS says that taxpayers no longer trust the agency. He then laughed and said for anyone who doesn’t like the IRS, feel free to go do business with the other government tax collecting agency.

Ford has recalled 390,000 vehicles that are a fire risk. Apparently those are the ones that still start when you turn the key.

A study says that men on a vegetarian diet live longer than those who eat meat. At least as long as they don’t get into a fight with them.

A study says that men on a vegetarian diet live longer than those who eat meat. Which is good news for everyone who is getting just a little tired of Ted Nugent.

Zynga, the maker of Farmville is laying off a fifth of its workers. As severance pay, they will get 40 acres of virtual land and a fake tractor.

Zynga, the maker of Farmville is laying off a fifth of its workers. Apparently people gave up on Farmville when the economy forced them to actually start growing their own crops  for real at home.

Ads in New York City are warning people about drinking sweet tea, sports and energy drinks. Especially when they are using them to wash down any waffles, hot dogs or burritos from any of the street vendors.

A study says that some women have orgasms during childbirth. Apparently it’s nature’s way of letting them experience what they missed on the way to their current condition.

President Obama told the National Conference on Mental Health that “We all have known someone with mental health issues.” Apparently he didn’t have time to mention the names of all 535 members of Congress.

A Wisconsin town is going to start ticketing the parents of chronic bullies. Apparently they will just look for any adults walking around with an obvious wedgie.

A study says that new medical drugs have barely improved on the old standbys. Mostly because people can’t use the new ones because they are still unable to get the caps of any of the bottles.

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says that medical marijuana is one of the “great hoaxes of all time.” This from the man running the city that gave us Donald Trump, the Mets and rent control.

A study says that marriages that originate online last longer than where people meet in more traditional ways. Mostly because traditional marriages are usually broken up when someone uses their computer to find someone new.

Cholesterol drugs are being linked to muscle and joint problems. Which is good news for people not taking their cholesterol medication who will be able to clutch their chest much easier when they are having their heart attacks.

A study says that using sun screen daily slows down a person’s skin from aging. Except for people in retirement homes in Florida who can get that same result from a good leather conditioner.

The Writer’s Guild of America has named “The Sopranos” as the best written TV show ever. Apparently they are talking about the four minutes of the entire program that didn’t involve someone getting killed, a woman taking off her clothes or someone dropping the F-Bomb.

Amanda Bynes has been evicted from her apartment in New York City. What’s worse is that the owners are asking Lindsay Lohan if she is looking for a place to live.

A baseball glove belonging to Jackie Robinson was sold for $373,000. Apparently it has a high value from being a Dodger glove that actually caught some baseballs.

A poll says that Americans are less happy than they were two years ago. Mostly because they are two years older and no closer to even thinking about ever being able to retire.

A poll says that Americans are less happy than they were two years ago. Mostly because it’s been that long since they were able to hate Simon Cowell each week on “American Idol”.

Researchers say that Neil Armstrong’s Ohio accent may have muffled his “one small step for ‘a’ man” quote when he landed on the moon. They are just lucky he didn’t say “Oh, crap. We landed in Nevada.”

An airline group says that world airlines will make a $12.7 Billion profit this year. You can tell they are making a lot of money now that pilots are asking only for imported Champagne to be served in the cockpit.

Peru is hoping to raise two warships that were sunk 400 years ago. At least they think they were warships. There is some doubt as the wrecks both say “Carnival” on the stern.

Secretary of State John Kerry says that “time is running out” for Middle East peace. Apparently his clock stops at 5,000 years.

A study says that smokers cost employers $6,000 more a year than non smoking employees. And that's just the expense of storing all the body bags in the supply closet.

New York City's biggest hotel has stopped room service. Apparently they feel if you want an outrageously expensive breakfast in bed, start dating Martha Stewart.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Here’s how it works: Read the jokes...send the love!

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