Sunday, June 30, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Las Vegas tied its all-time record high temperature of 117 degrees last week. In fact, all the “fat Elvis” impersonators had to cancel their performances because only “young Elvis” impersonators could handle the heat.

Las Vegas tied its all-time record high temperature of 117 degrees last week. It was so hot, casinos were offering any guests crossing the street from other hotels free CPR.

Las Vegas tied its all-time record high temperature of 117 degrees last week. Although between the casino, buffet and lounge no one staying there ever saw the temperature go above 72 on the thermostat.

A Tennessee woman was ticketed for dangerous swimming on the Jersey Shore. Apparently authorities knew she was from out of state the minute they saw her actually go into the water.

Thailand is going to start requiring foreign tourists to buy health insurance before arriving. Apparently they are tired of Americans just declaring bankruptcy when they get sick like they have to do at home.

 Thailand is going to start requiring foreign tourists to buy health insurance before arriving. To which millions of Americans are saying “We can buy health insurance?”

Thailand is going to start requiring foreign tourists to buy health insurance before arriving. People will really need it when they get back home and their wives find out they were really in Bangkok instead of London like they said.

Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street are coming out on the cover of New Yorker magazine. Not to say that Sesame Street has been in support of gay rights for some time, but word is that Big Bird is being replaced by the NBC Peacock.

Low fare Indian airline Go Air says it is hiring thin flight attendants since less weight saves on fuel. Why stop there? Shouldn’t they be replacing those bulky flight attendant uniforms with fuel efficient bikinis?

Low fare Indian airline Go Air says it is hiring thin flight attendants since less weight saves on fuel. Apparently they got the idea from U.S. airlines who make sure they take all that heavy money out of the pockets of their passengers before they get on the plane.

A study says that 35% more shows on TV are about serial killers. The other 65% are reality shows that we hope are visited by the serial killers.

10,000 people were involved in a reenactment at the 150th anniversary of the Battle at Gettysburg. Fortunately, Google maps was able to get all the participants there. The battlefield is hard to find since not everyone can remember the Gettysburg Address.

10,000 people were involved in a reenactment at the 150th anniversary of the Battle at Gettysburg. Thousands of combatants fighting the elements in hand to hand battle aimed at ultimate victory. Oh, wait. I’m confusing that with Wal-Mart on Black Friday.

A study says that most Americans are less healthy than they think. Why not? Most Americans also think they are smart, attractive and successful.

Paula Deen’s publisher has nixed printing her new book. Not because of the controversy over her racial comments, but because they were looking for dishes that didn’t always start out with “Take four pounds of butter…”

Paula Deen’s publisher has nixed printing her new book. Apparently they didn’t like the recipe that describes searing a steak being as easy as burning a cross.

Jimmy Carter says that Paula Deen should be forgiven. Apparently he’s got his sights set on winning Nobel Peace Prize number two.

The Tour de France got underway over the weekend. Apparently officials are figuring the only way they will ever actually have a chance at putting together a drug free field is to just take the pedals out of it and let them ride motorcycles.

A pit bull belonging to a Philadelphia Eagle was seized after fighting allegations. Is he serious? Did he ever ask teammate Michael Vick what kind of hobbies he was in before joining the team?

An Atheist monument next to a public monument to the Ten Commandments was unveiled in Florida. Apparently it just lists the Ten Suggestions.

A study says that with couples who cooperate, men tend to mimic women’s moods while women try to regulate the men’s emotions. People were surprised. Where were they able to find any couples who actually cooperate?

The record land speed for an electric car was broken at 204 mph. The only problem was buying and loading the 50,000 AA batteries that powered the car.

The record land speed for an electric car was broken at 204 mph. Apparently the mark was set when a Prius owner got lost and drove off a cliff.

Facebook says it will pull ads off pages that have sexual or violent content. Otherwise known by everyone as their “Timeline”.

Paula Deen’s business partners are vowing to support her. At least until they can get their money back out of the investment.

The federal minimum wage has turned 75 years old. Ironically, like the Americans who are still making that amount, it isn’t even close to thinking about being able to retire yet.

GoBank is the first completely mobile bank, charging no fees and working off donations. Not to be confused with the old mobile banks which were run by some guy named Al from the back of his car and instead of late fees just broke an occasional leg.
The FDA has shut down 1,677 online pharmacies for selling counterfeit and substandard drugs. Pretty much like every other pharmacy.

The FDA has shut down 1,677 online pharmacies for selling counterfeit and substandard drugs without appropriate safeguards. At least people were finally able to get the tops off all those prescription drug bottles.

The CDC says the average age for a U.S. woman giving birth for the first time is 25.6 years. Which means she waits more than eight years after having her first two kids at 15 and 17.

The CDC says that teen births are down 8%. Which means that Kevin Federline is finally too old to date women under 20.

A New Jersey woman has given birth on her front lawn. No one even knew that Snookie was pregnant again.

“Glee” is losing five more cast members this season. Apparently it’s just too hard to make an audience believe anyone stays in high school past 16 anymore.

“Glee” is losing five more cast members this season. They had to go in the interest of reality. They were the last five straight members of the school’s glee club.

Tom Scholz, founder of the group Boston must pay court costs in a lawsuit he brought and lost against a newspaper. Apparently the dispute was over which one was more obsolete.

A report says that Paula Deen could lose $12.5 Million a year from dropped endorsements. Which Tiger Woods will vouch for means that it’s still less expensive to be a racist than to cheat.

Dodger pitcher Josh Beckett will undergo season ending neck surgery. With an 0-5 record and a 5.19 ERA, apparently he hurt his neck snapping it turning around to watch his pitches fly out of the park.

The Pittsburgh Pirates have become the first team to win 50 games this season. Or as the Pirates used to call their 50th win, October.

A Bible signed by Albert Einstein and given to a friend has sold for $68,000. Although some people were not happy with Einstein replacing the Book of Genesis with the Big Bang Theory.

A new e-mail system from AT&T can self-destruct messages after being sent. To which Alec Baldwin is saying “Why didn’t someone tell me about this last week?”

A new e-mail system from AT&T can self-destruct messages after being sent. Apparently they are using the same technology that makes their phone calls disappear after being completed.

A poll says that 43% of Americans are unaware they must get health insurance under Obamacare. Apparently those are the 43% of Americans who have never been able to afford or qualify for health insurance ever before.

Studies say the American car culture is disappearing with people buying fewer cars, driving less and getting fewer driver’s licenses. Mostly because they don’t have jobs, can’t afford gas and in their economic condition don’t want anyone to know who they are.

Curtis W. Tarr, the innovative leader of the draft has died at age 88. To which Republican men over 60 all over the country are saying, “Well played!”

Flower growers in Ecuador fear they could be hurt if the U.S. sanctions the country if they harbor fugitive Edward Snowden. Ironically, that means that even with pesticides their crops could still be ruined by a bunch of bugs.

The White House is recruiting librarians to explain Obamacare to the public. Mostly when anyone asks them what health care reform means to them, they are supposed to just say “Shhhhhhh!”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, half the year is now over. The only question remaining is, was it the good half or the bad half? Or the bad half or the worse half? All I know is that it will be the good half if you keep on sending the love!

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