Friday, June 28, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A report says that 27 NFL players have been arrested since the Super Bowl. Which is good to see the Bengals are staying in mid season form even during the off season.

A panel of experts at a conference in the Netherlands discussed how insects could be used as a food source as the Earth’s population grows. To which Taco Bell is saying “We’re way ahead of you already.”

Paula Deen’s appearance on “Today” pushed the show pas “GMA” in the ratings for the first time in eight months. Apparently viewers were intrigued by the irony of Matt Lauer interviewing someone trying to cope with a major image problem.

Martha Stewart says she “feels sorry for” Paula Deen. Not for any of the trouble she has gotten into for racist comments. Stewart just feels sorry for anyone who can’t make a decent croquembouche.

Paypal says it wants to launch an intergalactic currency. Apparently it would be for any astronauts who had a craving for a Mars Bar, Moon Pie or Milky Way.

Paypal says it wants to launch an intergalactic currency. Apparently NASA is looking for a weightless environment so they can throw away their money even faster than they can here on Earth.

Scientists have sequenced the world’s oldest genome. They said it wasn’t easy. You would be surprised to see how much kick Larry King still has in him.

The IMF says that climate change will create employment around the world. So it looks like the Republicans finally do have a jobs plan.

The IMF says that climate change will create employment around the world. Although it’s going to be hard to find a lot of applicants to be the person who has to go around to all the zoos and shave their polar bears.

Queen Elizabeth II is set to get a 5% raise. Apparently she earned the pay increase by doing 5% more of whatever it is she actually does.

A study says that taxing calories would be an effective way to curb obesity. Although taxing the behinds of Americans would really bring out accusations of targeting the 99%.

A study says that taxing calories would be an effective way to curb obesity. Although the IRS would have to be careful about being accused of targeting any businesses like the Goodyear Blimp, spare tire stores or Butterball Turkeys.

A Tennessee man has been charged with claiming he had Mitt Romney’s tax returns during the 2012 election. Apparently Romney was able to prove the man was lying since he hadn’t paid any income tax for the past 20 years.

Japanese scientists have cloned a mouse out of a single drop of blood. Is that really a pressing issue for scientists? Is there some kind of shortage where we now have to actually make more mice?

A San Diego man is facing 13 years in prison for writing anti-bank messages on the sidewalk in water-soluble chalk. The man should have learned from the mortgage meltdown that if you want to commit a crime and get away with it, you need to be inside the bank.

A New Jersey mom has been arrested after her two children were found living in a 5x10’ storage unit. Apparently she got the idea after watching a bit too much of both “Jersey Shore” and “Storage Wars”.

A report says that same sex couples will be paying more in taxes after they get married. To which all the heterosexual couples will be saying “We told you so.”

John Lennon’s 1965 Ferrari is up for sale. How ironic. Lennon was the one guy who didn’t have to imagine.

The U.S. has suspended trade benefits for Bangladesh because of safety issues. Apparently we have told them if they don’t shape up we will send all our former jobs to the sweat shops in other third world countries.

The Justice Department is probing the merger between American Airlines and U.S. Airways. Who cares? We want justice when it comes to airport searches, excessive airline fees and once in awhile taking off on time.

A poll says that Americans who smoke suffer emotionally. And physically, depending on how close they light up to a militant non-smoker.

Athletic shoe sales online are up 21%. Apparently it is for people who want workout shoes but are too lazy to actually walk through the mall to pick them up.

A study says that yogurt tastes differently to people depending on the type of spoon they use. If the taste of yogurt changes with each spoon, you probably need to learn how to wash your utensils.

A study says that yogurt tastes differently to people depending on the type of spoon they use. By looking at the size of our waistlines, people would probably be better off eating yogurt with a fork.

A study says that cocaine addicts may be cured with Ritalin. Which means all the fourth graders are now the ones hanging around outside school yards waiting to make a deal with the coke heads.

A study says that cocaine addicts may be cured with Ritalin. you’ll know for sure when you see ten year olds hanging around outside night clubs.

The USDA is replacing junk food in school vending machines with “smart snacks”. Now all someone needs to do is figure out a way to replace our classrooms with some smarter kids.

A study says that people who think that stress is affecting their health are more likely to have a heart attack. Well, that news will certainly help calm them down.

A study says that migraine headache sufferers face a significant stigma. Especially when they get their headaches only when their partner wants to have sex.

A study says that processed carbs can be addictive. The only question is when people eat pot brownies do they want to get a cannabis or sugar high?

A study says that going the full distance in a 200 mile ultra Marathon may be healthier than stopping after 100 miles. Which is great news for the three people who actually have the interest or ability to do that.

A study says that going the full distance in a 200 mile ultra Marathon may be healthier than stopping after 100 miles. It’s that part of getting up off the couch where most people get stuck.

Kat Von D and Deadmau5 have called off their engagement. Apparently the thought of what their kids might turn out to be like even scared them too much.

Target, QVC and the maker of a diabetes drug have dropped their ties to Paula Deen. What does any of that have to do with being a chef?

The movie “Fifty Shades of Grey” is set to be released in August, 2014. Apparently the title has many people confused that it is some sort of documentary about Congress.

TLC will premier “Crown Chasers” in July, a reality show about adult beauty pageants. Which is basically like pressing the fast forward twenty years on your DVR recordings of “Honey Boo Boo”.

All 31 teams have passed on waiver claims on Aaron Hernandez. Even Michael Vick is starting to look like an upstanding citizen at this point.

Kyle Petty says that Danica Patrick is not a real race car driver. It could also be said that Natalie Gulbis is not a real golfer and that Anna Kournikova was not a real tennis player, but what’s your point?

Kyle Petty says that Danica Patrick is not a real race car driver. If racing was serious about putting a woman on the track who could scare the men, why haven’t they signed up Lindsay Lohan?

A New York plastic surgeon who put photos of one of his patients online without her permission is being sued for $18 Million. Because apparently no one would have ever noticed she had a nose job without those photos being posted.

Ride sharing is catching on in Europe, with tens of millions of people using the service that hasn’t been embraced in the U.S. Mostly because everyone in the U.S. is afraid to carpool because the other people will make them share their doughnuts.

The U.S. has indicted a Chinese wind power company for stealing trade secrets. Although it could backfire when the Chinese accuse us of stealing their technology to make wind chimes.

MIT researchers say they can use Wi-Fi to see through walls. Which is almost as good as just staying at a Super 8 Motel and hearing everything your neighbors are saying through the walls.

Cindy McCain’s long battle with migraines has inspired a new crusade to help others. For one thing, she advises not to listen to more than one John McCain campaign speech each month.

Cindy McCain’s long battle with migraines has inspired a new crusade to help others. For one thing, it helps not to tie your hair back so tightly that your eyes are stretching back to your ears.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s Friday, which means you get a break from reading these “nuggets” until next week. Hope you have recovered by then when I start piling them up again. In the meantime, enjoy your time off but make sure to take a few seconds to send the love!