Thursday, June 27, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The Supreme Court struck down DOMA, meaning that gay couples can now get married. Not only that, the court has to trade in those dowdy old black robes for satin paisley jammies.

New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez has been charged with murder. He could face the death penalty, life in prison or playing out his career with the Baltimore Ravens.

A new app records everything said within earshot of an iPhone mic and stores it for five minutes. Or as the NSA calls that, “A good start.”

Wal-Mart has dropped their business relationship with Paula Deen. With Deen also being dropped by the Food Network and Caesars that could pretty much signal the end for the Butter Council of America.

A Pennsylvania man says he was robbed at gunpoint and all that was taken was a condom. Ironically, he took it along with him for protection.

CNN is relaunching “Crossfire”. Which is big news if you are a news fan still living in 1982.

CNN is relaunching “Crossfire”. The show originally started out with four old white men yelling at each other. Over time, the show evolved into having women and people of color yelling at each other.

CNN is relaunching “Crossfire”. The show is a throwback to the early ‘80s, when cable was young, 24 hour news was just starting and people still actually watched CNN.

Coca-Cola UK is making breakfast part of their growth plan. Medical experts in England warn that drinking Coke for breakfast could ruin teeth and...never mind.

South Korea has developed the world’s fastest wireless network. It’s so fast, people can actually watch Psy’s career go down in flames in real time.

A funeral home in Virginia is offering drive-thru viewings. The real insult is to people who are on display as the result of a drive-by shooting.

A funeral home in Virginia is offering drive-thru viewings. Ironically, most people are in that position earlier than necessary from all their trips through the McDonald’s drive-thru.

A survey shows that bounties for injuring other players are offered even in some youth sports. Is that new? Didn’t anyone ever see “The Karate Kid?”

A survey shows that bounties for injuring other players are offered even in some youth sports. There are some kids who will hurt others even for no reward. They are called older brothers.

A report explains why other primates can’t throw objects as hard as humans. Which is kind of starting to explain this whole Tebow thing.

A report explains why other primates can’t throw objects as hard as humans. So far, the fastest recorded object ever thrown by a human was a piece of White house China hurled by Hillary Clinton.

The Governor of Connecticut has signed a bill recognizing Gustave Whitehead as the first person to fly an airplane. Some historians claim there is no real proof of the event. Apparently the best evidence it did happen is that Whitehead had a suitcase with him on the flight that was never seen again.

A Texas woman has become the state’s 500th person to be executed. To mark the occasion, the cake to celebrate number 500 was baked using only power coming directly from the electric chair.

The popularity of Dodger Yasiel Puig has driven ticket prices up 87% in the past few weeks. Unfortunately they were driven down 450% in the past few years by the McCourts.

The popularity of Dodger Yasiel Puig has driven ticket prices up 87% in the past few weeks. He is so popular, some fans are actually discovering that games go longer than six innings.

Delta Airlines has been fined for bumping passengers from overbooked flights without looking for volunteers to leave the flight. Mostly because they know that no one is going to voluntarily get off a flight and get put back in the TSA screening line again.

Coca-Cola is planning to sell Coke that is flavored with a natural, no calorie sweetener. Apparently all the company’s executives were too young to remember what happened with “New Coke”.

Oprah Winfrey tops the Forbes list for Most Powerful Celebrity. Mostly because she is, and the people at Forbes knew if they didn’t pick her she would buy the magazine and fire them all.

Caesars casinos has dropped Paula Deen from their buffets. Apparently it wasn’t because of the revelations of her racist remarks. They just wanted to make sure their customers survived until they used up all their gambling money.

A study says that people revert to both their good and bad habits when under stress. Which means when you see someone jogging while smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer, it might be best to leave them alone.

An Ohio man who had his colon removed swam across Lake Erie. Apparently he picked Lake Erie since he figured no one would notice that someone with no colon was swimming in it.

An Ohio man who had his colon removed swam across Lake Erie. Apparently he swam to the Canadian side to see if doctors there had a better idea than removing his colon.

An Ohio man who had his colon removed swam across Lake Erie. The worst part was when he got out and someone tried to help him out of his inner tube before they realized it wasn’t an inner tube.

A report says that 5,000 people in the U.S. are hurt by fireworks every year around the 4th of July. The guy to stay away from is the one who is trying to light a Roman Candle with the lit fuse of an M-80.

A study says a person’s choice of utensil can influence how food tastes and how much they eat. Especially when the person is sitting at the table using a garden trowel.

The National Institute of Health says it will retire most of its research chimps. Which is good news, as most people would agree that important medical research is probably better off being done by humans.

The National Institute of Health says it will retire most of its research chimps. Apparently they already have new jobs for them, writing new legislation on Capitol Hill.

The CDC says that 3.5 Million Americans a year become ill through contact with water at the beach. No one even knew there were that many visitors each year to the Jersey Shore.

The CDC says that 3.5 Million Americans a year become ill through contact with water at the beach. Although people who become sick from the sewage in New Jersey water can go to a New York beach and get jabbed by the medical waste that can cure them.

Brain scans suggest that “food addiction” may be a reality. A better way to prove that would be with some belly scans.

A study says that brain injuries may raise the risk of having a stroke. Isn’t that pretty much like saying that getting hit in the leg a lot may give you a limp?

Wanda Sykes says she has “no regrets” about coming out. If she has any regrets, it would have to be appearing in “Nutty Professor II: The Klumps”.

WWE wrestler CM Punk has gotten a restraining order against his mother. Well, that ought to stop those accusations about pro wrestling being fake.

Elizabeth Taylor’s first wedding dress sold for $188,000. It’s value was so high because the rest of her eight wedding dresses were all made of disposable materials.

Amanda Bynes is threatening to sue over a “morphed” photo of her that was posted online. The question is, if it was really a morphed photo of Amanda Bynes how could anyone tell?

NASA has discovered the 10,000th Near Earth Object out in space. They can tell because any objects from space which have come close to the Earth were obviously not launched by NASA.

A study says that cats actually do pay attention to their owners. Apparently their way of showing attention is by taking a 20 hour nap after eating.

A survey says that Americans’ view of the economy is at a post recession high. People were surprised. Since when did we become post recession?

Sesame Workshop which produces “Sesame Street” has laid off 10% of its staff. The first one who was chopped was The Count so he couldn’t explain how much 10% is to the rest of the staff.

Sesame Workshop which produces “Sesame Street” has laid off 10% of its staff. Apparently Big Bird isn’t too worried since after all these years he has a pretty big nest egg.

A survey says that 70% of Facebook users have a gay friend or acquaintance. The easiest way to tell is when they turn their Farmville acreage into a ranch because they don’t want anything high carb.

Paula Deen told Matt Lauer on “Today” “I wouldn’t have fired me.” Mostly because she isn’t black, Hispanic or Asian.

A poll says that the economy and health care will determine who people vote for in 2014. Based on what the government has done on those two issues, people will vote for nobody.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A sad day in music as Alan Myers has died at age 58. Myers was the drummer for the greatest alternative band ever, DEVO. Anyone who was around in the ‘70s and early ‘80s knows that DEVO changed the music scene and paved the way for the whole punk/new wave sound. Their electronic sound mixed in with guitar and Myers’ steady beat along with their costuming and theatrics made them a one of a kind band that is still very much missed today. Unfortunately, many people just know them for their novelty hit “Whip It”. The band was so much more. RIP Alan Myers. Send him your prayers, send me the love!

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