Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Supreme Court has struck down a key provision of the Voting Rights Act 5-4. Apparently they feel that if everyone was appointed to a lifetime term like them, we wouldn’t even need to be bothered with voting anyways.

A school district in New Jersey is proposing random alcohol and drug tests for all high school students. Apparently it’s a lot easier than trying to get them to take random tests in math, science and English.

A school district in New Jersey is proposing random alcohol and drug tests for all high school students. The kids say that’s fine as long as the tests take place before they leave to catch Happy Hour.

New York Police Commissioner Ray Kelly says that Nik Wallenda will not be allowed a permit to tightrope walk from the Empire State Building across to the Chrysler Building. Wallenda says he isn’t doing it as a stunt. It’s just the fastest way get their faster by avoiding downtown traffic.

Doctors in South Korea say that “digital dementia” is on the increase, where people rely on technology to remember even everyday details like phone numbers. To which kids who now communicate with Facebook, Twitter and texts are saying “What’s a phone number?”

Doctors in South Korea say that “digital dementia” is on the increase, where people rely on technology to remember even everyday details like phone numbers. Although if it weren’t for technology like GPS, people would not be able to get where they are going while giving the attention necessary to send out all their texts while driving.

The tallest and fastest roller coaster in the world, Full Throttle has opened in Los Angeles. It will give L.A. residents who regularly travel the 405 Freeway the thrill of traveling at speeds faster than 7 mph.

The tallest and fastest roller coaster in the world, Full Throttle has opened in Los Angeles. It gives people who lost all their money in the economic crash the chance to still feel what it is like to be invested in the stock market.

The tallest and fastest roller coaster in the world, Full Throttle has opened in Los Angeles. Apparently it is for the people who weren’t able to experience being in the housing market in L.A. in the past six years.

$1.2 Million in cash disappeared from a jetliner at JFK. And that was just the money collected for baggage, drink and headphone fees.

A geologist in Canada tasted water that has sat undisturbed for 2.6 Billion years. The only water that has been untouched for a longer period of time is a bottle of Perrier in a convenience store in Texas.

A study says that U.S. leads the world in spending on education. We would do a lot better by giving up on trying to get our kids to actually learn anything and instead just give them the money and wish them luck.

An amusement park in Mexico offers a fake border crossing attraction. Apparently the people are willing to pay to see what it’s like to sneak into a country that actually patrols their borders.

The FDA has begun regulating tobacco products and has actually rejected four proposals. Who ever thought we would see the day when cigarettes were harder to sell than marijuana?

Radford University misspelled “Virginia” on about a thousand graduates’ diplomas. What’s worse is that several of the diplomas went to students who majored in Inglush.

Radford University misspelled “Virginia” on about a thousand graduates’ diplomas. What’s even worse is that “Virginia” was also misspelled on several diplomas of students graduating from the University of Alabama.

A report says that IRS credit cards were used for porn, wine and romance novels. Or as IRS accountants calls that, “date night”.

A study says that PTSD is linked to heart disease as well as other illnesses. Of course, most patients develop post traumatic stress disorder after getting the bills from their cardiologist and other doctors.

Chris Brown has been charged with hit and run in Los Angeles. People had no idea he had even started dating again.

A Michigan farmer who was caught with 8,000 pot plants has been given probation. Apparently his crop gave enough people the munchies that all the other farmers were finally able to make a profit just growing food.

A Michigan farmer who was caught with 8,000 pot plants has been given probation. Police suspected something was going on when they noticed his scarecrow’s were all equipped with AK-47s.

A study says that Stanford MBA grads are choosing personal development over higher paying positions. Which is their way of saying they spent $180,000 for a degree that got them a job at a flower shop.

A report says the number of auto loans that are past due is rising, mostly because of subprime borrowers. Well, it’s good to see we learned a lot from the housing market meltdown.

Los Angeles has become the largest city to ban plastic bags at stores. Apparently L.A. city leaders want to keep plastic where it belongs. In women’s breasts.

Carnival Cruise Lines CEO Micky Arison has stepped down but will remain as the company chairman. Apparently Carnival is seeing how much trouble it can cause having people perform two jobs at once. Like head chef and captain.

L.A. cabbies rallied against ride share apps that are cutting into their business. People were surprised. Who takes a cab in L.A.?

L.A. cabbies rallied against ride share apps that are cutting into their business. Cabs in L.A. are necessary for people who drop their car off at the repair shop and need a ride to the deli next door.

A study says that breast feeding may help children achieve higher social status. While women have always known that breast enhancement helps them achieve a higher social status.

A U.S. panel is urging all Baby Boomers to get a blood test for Hepatitis C. Apparently it’s easier than trying to actually find all the people who have ever dated Pamela Anderson.

A study says that people who hate tobacco companies are five times more likely to quit smoking. Which doesn’t explain why so many people are still driving cars they need to fill with gasoline.

A study says that pedestrians are more likely to be injured while talking on their cellphones. However, it’s just as likely to be injured while sitting and talking on a cellphone, especially when you are at a theater, in a restaurant or driving your car.

A study says that suggesting that kids lose weight may increase their unhealthy eating. The best way is for parents to get fat and tell their kids that if they keep eating they will end up just like their folks.

A Monaco woman developed heart problems after drinking only soda for 16 years. The worst part is she kept claiming her cardiologist was a Dr. Pepper.

A study says that the way dogs bond with humans is close to how a baby bonds with their parent. Which is just more bad news for the kids of Michael Vick.

“Full House” cast member Jodi Sweetin has separated from her third husband. Apparently her married life has been a royal flush.

Michael Jackson reportedly told people days before his death that “God keeps talking to me.” To which Donald Trump explains that means he probably just had “The Apprentice” on the TV in the background.

Broadway marquees will dim their lights in honor of late actor James Gandolfini. After which the entire cast of “Spider-Man Turn Off The Dark” will be thrown into the East River.

Justin Bieber has been banned from a Las Vegas sky diving arena for reportedly not paying and rude behavior. Apparently he wanted to experience the sky diving simulation to get an idea what it will be like in six months when his career goes into free fall.

Mike Tyson is bringing his one man show to HBO. Which is the first time he has been in a one man show on HBO since the network carried his fight with Buster Douglas.

Brain game site Lumosity has chosen Ithaca, New York as the smartest city in America. Apparently the people there are smart because they can somehow make a living wage while living in Ithaca.

Intel is exploring brain scanning to make driving safer. Apparently when the brain scan goes blank, they can tell the person driving is busy sending text messages.

Black Sabbath has topped the Billboard 200 chart for the first time ever with their new album. The band can’t wait for another six months until Ozzy Osbourne comes back down from whatever he is on to tell him.

The Ford F-150 truck has been named “Most American Made Vehicle”. Apparently the truck comes with a bumper sticker that was actually printed in the U.S.

The Ford F-150 truck has been named “Most American Made Vehicle”. Which means it costs three times what it’s worth, is already obsolete and comes with a courtesy tow from the car lot to the owner’s home.

A report says that medical bills are the biggest cause of personal bankruptcy. Not just for patients. Also for the doctors who go broke because no one can pay their bills.


Former Cubs pitcher Kerry Wood found a body in Belmont Harbor while paddle boarding. It was the first time he had heard the phrase "dead in the water" since arriving every year to Spring Training.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Don’t forget to tell your friends about the blog. Why should you be the only ones left scratching your heads trying to figure out these jokes? In the meantime, always feel free to keep sending the love!

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