Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A man was arrested at a Toby Keith concert in New Jersey for waving a Confederate flag and shouting racial slurs. Apparently he was confused and thought his tickets were  for a taping of the Paula Deen show.

A man who was threatening to jump off a bridge in South Carolina was talked down with a pizza. Apparently he decided he still wanted to kill himself, just not as quickly.

A poll says that 76% of Americans are living paycheck to paycheck. The other 24% are asking “What’s a paycheck?”

The Girl Scouts are facing a $347 Million pension deficit. Which means today’s Brownies can expect to be selling cookies door-to-door until they qualify for Social Security.

The Girl Scouts are facing a $347 Million pension deficit. Apparently that will be the end of the merit badge they give out for Accounting Skills.

Pediatricians are on a new mission to fight homophobia. Although with patients that young, they would probably be doing a lot more good to figure out what to do about the fear of getting a shot.

Several dresses once owned by Monica Lewinsky are going to be auctioned off. It’s now sure how much they will be selling for, but the winning bids will not include the cost of any necessary stain removal.

Pat Buchanan says the Hispanic influx from the immigration bill could break the U.S. into “two countries”. Although he didn’t say if it would put people in the “two countries” we already have between the rich and poor, Christians and non-Christians or liberals and conservatives.

A man was shot to death outside an Atlanta shoe store for reportedly trying to rob people waiting to buy LeBron James sneakers. At $180 a pair, someone apparently figured getting robbed once was enough.

A daily “smart pill” can remember a person’s passwords and transmit personal data to devices as it passes through the body. Apparently any prescriptions to the pill will be paid for in full by the NSA.

Tightrope walker Nik Wallenda, who just successfully crossed a river gorge in Arizona says his next death defying stunt will take place in New York City. Apparently he will try to take a cab to make an ATM withdrawal in the Bronx at 3 AM.

A Georgia mom says her daughter was kicked off her school football team, with administration citing boys and the Bible. Apparently it’s all right there in the Book of Tebow.

A report says that the summer suit is making a comeback for 2014 at shows in Milan. You know that global warming is a reality when it’s finally even become a fashion statement.

A study at the university of Pittsburgh came up with ideas on how to battle pain and depression for seniors. Apparently the study was done in Pittsburgh because of all the seniors who have dealt with pain and depression for decades. Also known as Pirates fans.

The Obama Administration has opened a toll free hotline to answer people’s questions about the new health care policy. Which means that there is finally a place that can explain the plan to all the members of Congress who voted for it.

Men’s Wearhouse founder George Zimmer has quit the company’s board. Apparently the final straw was when members of the board started pushing for Casual Friday.

An expert testifying at the trial over Michael Jackson’s death says the singer may have endured 60 consecutive sleepless nights. Or as Charlie Sheen calls that, “Cocaine July” and “Amphetamine August”.

An expert testifying at the trial over Michael Jackson’s death says the singer may have endured 60 consecutive sleepless nights. To put it in perspective, the expert says it would be the same as a straight boy spending two months at the Neverland Ranch.

A study says that people are the most tired on Monday. Apparently the study was based on just looking at the people you work with.

A study says that people are the most tired on Monday. Mostly depending on how long Sunday’s sermon lasted.

A study says that third hand smoke can damage human cells. But not as much as blowing second hand smoke into the face of a militant non-smoker.

An opera singer at the University of the Pacific has lost 167 pounds. The only problem is that their current production has no ending.

A study says that chronic cannabis users may suffer from brain inflammation that leads to problems with coordination and learning. They’re just finding this out?

A study says that chronic cannabis users may suffer from brain inflammation that leads to problems with coordination and learning. What’s next, a study that finds alcohol makes you tipsy?

A study says that eating two meals a day may be better for weight loss than grazing through the day. The real problem comes when people make it just one meal that lasts from when they get up to when they go to bed.

Robby Krieger says with the passing of Ray Manzarek, the Doors are done rocking. After 50 years, their rocking is pretty much confined anymore to their chairs.

300 artifacts from the Rolling Stones are currently on display at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. That’s not all the artifacts currently on exhibit. Keith Richards’ body is currently on loan at the Harvard Medical School.

Paula Deen has been dropped as a spokesperson for Smithfield Foods. Apparently they had no idea that when she was talking about being a slave to the kitchen, she meant having slaves in the kitchen.

Amy Winehouse’s brother says she died from bulimia and not alcohol. Apparently she just drank to kill the taste of all the vomit.

Rafael Nadal lost in the first round at Wimbledon. Working just one day out of the year in England while making millions of dollars makes him eligible to be an honorary member of the Royal Family.

University of Florida basketball recruit Chris Walker is reportedly still battling academic issues. Coaches at other colleges were shocked. Why is a student athlete having to do anything academic?

The National Zoo in Washington, D.C. used Twitter to find a missing red panda. Apparently they would have used Facebook but the red panda wasn’t logged into his account at the time.

California regulators are testing to see if the Bitcoin is legal tender in the state. Apparently they aren’t sure if there can be any other monetary system in place other than the official state currency, the Peso.

The Voynich Manuscript, an indecipherable book has gone through a computer analysis that says the writings, while making absolutely no sense do contain a message. Sort of like any of the “Star Trek” novels.

A study says that bison may shrink in size due to global warming. It will be considered critical when they become small enough for Paris Hilton to carry one around in her purse.

A study says that having bigger electronic devices can actually affect a person’s behavior, especially their level of assertiveness. Who knew that an iPad would become the tech geek’s version of the SUV?

AT&T says it has sold out of all their Facebook phones. What do you call a phone designed by Facebook and operated through AT&T? A paperweight.

Disney and Sony are testing home rentals of in-theater movies. For people who like the movie theater experience, the companies will send someone to come to your house and talk on their cellphone through the film and sell you a bucket of popcorn and a soft drink for $25.

Disney and Sony are testing home rentals of in-theater movies. Apparently the got the idea after trying to distribute Steven Seagal movies.

A poll says that half of all Americans support publicly financed federal election campaigns. Which would be ironic in that we would now be wasting all that money to elect public officials who are just going to put us further in debt.

A poll says that half of all Americans support publicly financed federal election campaigns. The other half says to just let the three or four billionaires paying for them now continue to pick up the cost.

A poll says that half of all Americans support publicly financed federal election campaigns. The other half don’t care since they don’t read or watch any news, don’t have a job and never vote anyway.

A report says that extremist groups are flocking to Twitter. Which includes all the nut cases who actually follow the postings of Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga and Britney Spears.

A report says that most lightning fatalities occur during leisure activities, with fishing at the top of the list. Especially for people who get a one-two punch who are struck right when they hook an electric eel.

A study says that math challenged people are more likely to end up in foreclosure. Math challenged meaning anyone who actually thought they were getting a good deal when they signed up for a subprime loan.

A study says that math challenged people are more likely to end up in foreclosure. How bad do you have to be at math to not understand that the amount on the mortgage statement is what you write on the check every month?

A study says that math challenged people are more likely to end up in foreclosure. Apparently those are the people who don’t understand that five bedrooms plus insurance and property taxes plus a minimum wage job adds up to minus one house.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The NHL season has ended with Chicago winning the Stanley Cup. So congratulations to the two people who actually care. The only thing I care about right now is making sure you all put in at least some kind of effort to send the love!

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