Sunday, June 23, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A computer glitch at Southwest Airlines caused 250 flights to be grounded for three hours on Friday. Or as JetBlue calls that, Friday.

A doctor in Maine used Google glass while performing surgery. Not to help with the procedure, so he could work while snapping pictures of the hot operating room nurses.

Jet manufacturers are trying to offset jet lag by lowering the simulated elevation in a pressurized cabin from 8,000 feet to 6,000 feet. It also helps to fly United Airlines which arrives so late so passengers still feel like they are in their original time zone.

Designers are testing a Blue Tooth glove phone. Which gives people who use AT&T the opportunity to give the carrier the middle finger right back.

Paula Deen has been cut from the Food Network for using racial slurs. Apparently the final straw was when she showed up wearing a white hood as her toque.

Tests of car safety restraints for dogs showed a 100% failure rate. Apparently the dogs don’t like to use the restraints since it makes it so much more difficult to text while in the car.

Mt. Fuji in Japan was presented with UNESCO World Heritage status. What, did they just notice that it is there? They are finally giving recognition to a geological feature that hasn’t changed in the past billion years.

Exploding sidewalks in London have injured five people in the past year. Sidewalks in the U.S. are much safer. Especially since the 1960s when Americans completely quit walking.

Several life insurance companies have agreed to a settlement of $763 Million for billing policy holders for life insurance after they were dead. The insurance companies say it was their clients’ own fault for not seeing the “zombie clause” that made them wait until the post apocalyptic world to make sure they weren’t reanimated back to life.

Porsche is selling a toy pedal car that sells for $900. As with the real Porsches, they are too expensive so older kids who can’t really enjoy the car’s full performance are the only ones who can afford them.

Porsche is selling a toy pedal car that sells for $900. Porsche should consider putting pedals in their 911 models as well since after paying the $90,000 price tag owners don’t have enough money left over to fill the tank.

Coca-Cola has been awarded the title of “Most Effective Brand in the World”. Just ask any of their long time customers who still drink the product even though they weigh 300 pounds and have no teeth left.

An Iowa man is being questioned after selling a 100 year old coffin that had a skeleton inside. Apparently his answer is “What did you expect to find in an old coffin?”

An Iowa man is being questioned after selling a 100 year old coffin that had a skeleton inside. Apparently he was selling it as an “eternal duplex.”

An Iowa man is being questioned after selling a 100 year old coffin that had a skeleton inside. His reason for the bones being still inside was “The original owner isn’t done with it yet.”

A poll says that investor optimism in the U.S. soared before the recent market downturn. Which could also pretty much have been said back in 1929 and 2008.

Friday was Take Your Dog to Work Day. Researchers say that having dogs in a work environment makes for better teamwork, morale and lower stress. Except when the person in the next cubicle over decides to bring in their pit bull.

Friday was Take Your Dog to Work Day. Researchers say that having dogs in a work environment makes for better teamwork, morale and lower stress. Except when the people bringing in their dogs work in a doctor’s office, restaurant or hotels.

Friday was Take Your Dog to Work Day. Researchers say that having dogs in a work environment makes for better teamwork, morale and lower stress. Except for postal carriers who end up being chased on the business as well as residential routes.

Google says it will drop brain teaser interview questions, saying they are a waste of time. Especially when job applicants at Google answer difficult questions with “Let me Google that.”

Former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling had 10 years dropped from his 24 year prison sentence. Apparently his lawyers finally found an appeals court judge who wasn’t heavily invested in Enron.

Former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling had 10 years dropped from his 24 year prison sentence. Apparently he was claiming lawyer malpractice. How else would a very wealthy public figure ever be sent to jail?

U.S. Trade Representative Michael Frona says that the Chinese economic slowdown may make the country adopt reforms backed by the U.S. Which is ironic in that the Chinese economy is tanking because of all the money we owe them and can’t pay back.

European Union leaders have failed to agree on who pays when banks fail. Banks are saying they should let the same people who always pay for bank failures cover the expense. U.S. taxpayers.

The FAA is moving toward easing restrictions of passengers using electronic devices during takeoffs and landings. Especially people flying JetBlue who would like to have something to do during their the three hours they are stuck on the plane while “taking off”.

The FAA is moving toward easing restrictions of passengers using electronic devices during takeoffs and landings. Apparently fliers want to be able to use their cellphones to record the crash that takes place from the electronic interference from their cellphone.

A Brooklyn man is suing his former employer at a framing store for firing him because of his weight. The employer is claiming that it is another case of where an employee is using their work experience to frame him.

A Brooklyn man is suing his former employer at a framing store for firing him because of his weight. Apparently it had nothing to do with his ability with picture frames. It was that he couldn’t fit in through the store’s door frame.

A report says that California is creating jobs faster than the labor market is growing. Mostly since Congress can’t pass an immigration bill and there are all kinds of openings for fruit pickers, dishwashers and lawn work.

A report says that California is creating jobs faster than the labor market is growing. Mostly jobs at moving companies which are being used to help people who can’t find work move to states where there are jobs.

Apple CEO Tim Cook’s bonus is now tied to the performance of Apple stock. Or as Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg calls that, a fast way to go broke.

A study says that men with no sperm are at a higher risk for cancer. Which means that Kevin Federline is going to live forever.

A study says that quicker infant growth is tied to a higher IQ in later years. If that’s true we should be a nation of geniuses from the cradle all the way to the grave.

A study says that quicker infant growth is tied to a higher IQ in later years. If that’s true shouldn’t all the football players be making it into college on academic scholarships?

The European Union wants tougher warnings on tobacco products. Right now the warnings say that tobacco can kill you. How much worse does it get than that?

The European Union wants tougher warnings on tobacco products. Right now the warnings say that tobacco can kill you. How can they discourage people any more, by saying it makes you ugly and impotent, too?

A Bronx hospital is offering a cuddling service for preemie babies. It’s going over so well some women are asking if they can get house calls for the service after they have sex.
 

A Bronx hospital is offering a cuddling service for preemie babies. The good part is that being in the Bronx it also helps shield the babies from any stray bullets flying through the maternity ward.

Amanda Bynes says she has her breast implants removed and is getting another nose job. Apparently she is seeing her career moving into another direction. As a Michael Jackson impersonator.

Amanda Bynes says she has her breast implants removed and is getting another nose job. Pretty soon when she is asked for a profile shot she will have to say there isn’t one.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their daughter North West. Even Bruce Willis, Demi Moore and Gwyneth Paltrow called to ask if they were really sure about that choice.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their daughter North West. The worst part is that rumors of his cheating could mean their marriage is heading South.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their daughter North West. That’s what happens when you play with the GPS app in the delivery room.

New Jersey flags will fly at half staff in honor of actor James Gandolfini who passed away last week. His body will then be given a traditional New Jersey burial, being dumped in the Hudson River.

Poison frontman Bret Michaels received bumps and bruises in a bus crash in Mississippi. Which is really about the best results anyone riding a bus through Mississippi can hope for.

The Royal Family is asking for no gifts from the public for William and Kate’s baby which is due to arrive next month. Mostly because the people of the UK will be shelling out the money to buy the kid whatever it wants for the rest of its life.

Chris Brown is appealing a fine for monster murals on his L.A. home. Neighbors complained the murals were scaring children. Although not as much as Chris Brown was scaring everyone else.

Martha Stewart says she knows how to roll a joint. Apparently first you take some larkspur petal paper and fill it with a combination of big bud, super skunk and easy rider with just a hint of saffron for just a hint of bitterness. Roll tightly enough for a good solid pack and add decorative ribbons for an attractive way to secure both ends.

“Storage Wars” star Brandi Passante was awarded $750 in a lawsuit over what she claims is a phony sex tape of her. People are just praying this isn’t a trend for reality shows and if it is, that it doesn’t make it to the casts of “Duck Dynasty” and “Honey Boo Boo”.

Chinese women are wearing hairy leg stockings to scare away men. If they are wearing a pants suit they just get the same results by speaking with a French accent.

Facebook is admitting to a massive data breach on its site. Or as everyone calls the massive data breach, Facebook.

This week saw the biggest Full Moon of 2013. At least that’s what some guy holding up a ruler to the sky was saying.

An Apple I computer is expected to be auctioned for as much as $500,000 this week. The model was built in 1976 by Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs, and is believed to be the last computer assembled by someone who spoke English.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is officially summer, which means that as a Dodger fan I can relax as any day my team will be mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. If you can’t deliver a good closer to make my life easier, you can always just send the love!

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