Friday, June 21, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that Democrats are starting an Obama to Hillary Clinton transition for the face of the party. Not for the 2016 election, but for who will be the one to lead the way to endorse the candidate for the 2024 election after Hillary’s two terms are over.

Media reporter Howard Kurtz has quit CNN and moved over to Fox News. There goes his credibility. That’s like the Food Channel hiring Ronald McDonald as their nutritional consultant.

Media reporter Howard Kurtz has quit CNN and moved over to Fox News. Analyzing what other news stations are doing wrong while working at CNN is like the Miami Marlins hitting coach offering Miguel Cabrera some batting lessons.

Media reporter Howard Kurtz has quit CNN and moved over to Fox News. The hard part  will be avoiding the conflict of interest he never had at CNN knowing there was never actually an audience.

Singapore’s air pollution has hit all-time high levels. Apparently these foreign countries didn’t realize when they got all our outsourced jobs, they also got our outsourced air.

Celebrity chef Paula Deen has admitted in a court case to making racial comments. Suspicions were raised when Sergio Garcia hired her to cater his dinner with Tiger Woods.

Scientists say that human organs could be grown inside animals within the year. Why not use animals? We already move like a sloth, eat like a pig and hibernate like a bear.

House Speaker John Boehner says that bipartisan immigration reform is the only way anything will pass. Which means it’s pretty much time to move onto the next item on the agenda.

House Speaker John Boehner says that bipartisan immigration reform is the only way anything will pass. Which means it will take old, rich white men from both sides of the aisles to decide what to do with all them foreigners.

A Google expert says that we will be uploading our entire minds into computers by 2045 and that our bodies will be replaced by machines in 90 years. Who knew those people riding around on a Rascal while playing Words With Friends were so far ahead of their time?

New Jersey has banned trash talking while playing high school sports. Mostly because out of state schools have such an advantage while talking trash about New Jersey.

A study says that 70% of Americans are taking prescription drugs. The other 30% would but just don’t have health insurance that covers medications.

A study says that 70% of Americans are taking prescription drugs. The other 30% are the ones who have managed to still hold on to their job, house and family through the recession.

Ford is reportedly testing a self driving car. Don’t we already have that? When you see someone texting while putting up makeup and eating lunch while driving, that car is pretty much going where it wants.

A poll says that nearly 40% of Americans are caregivers to someone with serious health issues. The other 60% are the ones with the serious health issues.

A professor at the University of Arizona is comparing climate change to slavery. That won’t really be proven until oil company executives show up at stockholder meetings wearing white hoods.

A new law in Colorado makes it illegal to receive firearms training online. Which is really only being requested by Youtube viewers who want to shoot their computer if they see one more video of a cat playing a piano.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel says the Internet is “uncharted territory.” Most men agree with her. No matter how long you search online, there are always new porn sites that are yet to be discovered.

Earth saw its third warmest May on record in 2013. Only 2010 and 2012 were warmer. That came as no surprise. It was a warm spring. People knew it was going to be hot when the Easter Bunny delivered hard boiled eggs.

Floods have closed the Catholic pilgrimage site of Lourdes. How ironic would that be to end up drowning on the way to get some holy water?

The Dow fell 354 points on Thursday. Or as Facebook stockholders were saying, “So how does it feel now?”

United Airlines is raising its fees as much as $200 for canceling or changing some flights. Most passengers say it is worth the money, especially if they are able to change their flight to another airline.

A report says that one in nine bridges in the U.S. is structurally deficient. Especially the ones leading into New York and New Jersey that are still standing.

A survey says that 60% of Americans have a pet peeve with someone living nearby. Just ask the people in Mexico.

A survey says that 60% of Americans have a pet peeve with someone living nearby. The other 40% don’t have any neighbors within five miles who haven’t had their homes foreclosed.

Feds are opening an investigation into faulty warning lights on 200,000 Suzuki vehicles. The main part of their investigation is finding out why 200,000 people ended up buying a Suzuki.

The GAO says a U.S. Airways and American Airlines merger would cut competition. Which would be fine since the only competition left between airlines is who can cram more people onto each flight and charge the most for a bottle of water.

Feds seized fourteen 7-11 stores in New York and Virginia for using undocumented workers. Otherwise known as the official 7-11 business model.

Feds seized fourteen 7-11 stores in New York and Virginia for using undocumented workers. People were shocked. They could close down the entire chain if they would ever look into convenience store price gouging.

Twitter executive Nicole Wong has joined the White House as the chief technology officer. People are hoping it means all of President Obama’s speeches will now be cut down to 140 characters.

Maryland researchers say that they can make long lasting batteries out of wood. Which is great news for trees that will finally be able to zap any dogs that even try to get any closer than ten feet.

Condoms have been approved to be handed out at schools in Massachusetts. Remember when needing a rubber at school meant it was either raining or you needed to erase something?

A study says that employees with a window office sleep longer at night. Mostly because the only people who get window offices are executives who don’t actually ever do anything that requires them to show up at work.

Dr. Keith Ablow says that obesity and alcoholism are not diseases. But then, psychiatrists who have their own TV shows aren’t real doctors.

The UK department store Debenhams says it will not retouch the bodies of lingerie models. Of course, their bodies don’t really need to be retouched. That’s why they are lingerie models.

Kid Rock is comparing Justin Bieber to Vanilla Ice. To which all of Justin Bieber’s fans are saying “Who is Vanilla Ice?”

Kid Rock is comparing Justin Bieber to Vanilla Ice. Even M.C. Hammer is saying that is a low blow.

The Miami heat won their second straight NBA Championship. But Chris Bosh called out fans who left early in the 6th game when Miami was losing. The fans just figured it was OK since all the Heat players left after the third quarter of the game three blowout.

The Miami heat won their second straight NBA Championship. Miami still has to prove itself as an NBA town. There was no rioting after the Game 7 win and there are still more guns in a South Beach bar than in the home team’s locker room.

Patriot tight end Aaron Hernandez is being sued for shooting a friend in the face. If a jury decides against him he could be fined and forced to serve two terms as Vice President.

Joe Torre’s daughter caught a baby that fell from a second floor fire escape in Brooklyn. Major League Baseball will issue a statement congratulating her just as soon as she is tested for PEDs.

A Minnesota man has been sentenced to jail for cheating in a fishing competition. Apparently he almost got away with it until someone looked it up and discovered that marlins aren’t indigenous to the Great Lakes.

Best Buy is recalling more than 5,000 replacement batteries for MacBook Pros because of a danger of catching fire. To which all Dell owners are asking if they can buy some of those batteries to use in their computers.

British inventors are claiming to have made the first flying bicycle. Apparently the technology is being bought by Southwest Airlines which is already installing pedals under the passenger seats of all their planes.

Researchers say that Internet traffic in Australia will grow five fold by 2016. Especially if they find a way to serve beer online before then.

Researchers say that Internet traffic in Australia will grow five fold by 2016. Which means that Australian men still haven’t found out about online porn yet.

Ross stores have been fined for selling defective kids’ clothing. It turns out they aren’t defective, they are just regular sized which means our kids can’t fit into them.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Heat won the NBA Championship last night. Yes, I don’t care either. What I do care about is that it is now officially summer, and what better way to start the new season than by remembering to send the love!

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