Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Supreme Court has ruled against an Arizona law requiring ID to register to vote. Mostly because having to wait for every senior in line to find their driver’s license could turn elections into a three day event.

A passenger disrupted a Newark bound flight saying he poisoned others on the flight. If he wanted to poison the other people on the plane, all he needed to do was let them get a whiff of Newark air once they landed.

Sesame Street has introduced its first Muppet character that has a parent in jail. Although they aren’t including the time the Cookie Monster’s dad was incarcerated for armed robbery at a Mrs. Field’s.

The Immigration Bill in Congress weighs a reported 24 pounds. Which means the bill itself would have trouble slipping through the border fence.

An aide to Florida Senator Marco Rubio says there are Americans who “can’t cut it” in the work force. Mostly people who are trying to find a job in Florida that pays more than minimum wage.

A TSA agent at LAX reportedly told a 15 year old girl they thought wasn’t properly dressed to “cover herself”. The worst part is that it was right after they put her through the airport’s nude body scanner.

Barclay’s says that the U.S. is being beaten by other countries in creating millionaire entrepreneurs. Which means we are now even outsourcing our future tycoons.

Barclay’s says that the U.S. is being beaten by other countries in creating millionaire entrepreneurs. Of course, the only people who are able to become entrepreneurs are people who are already millionaires and have lots of time and money to start businesses.

NSA leaker Edward Snowden says that Google and Facebook are “misleading” their users about how much information they were giving to the government. Which is no big deal since all Facebook users are too busy trying to mislead everyone else about how happy and successful they are.

A study says that home birthing may be safer than giving birth in a hospital. And that’s just from the parents going into shock when they see that their insurance company is refusing to pay any of their hospital bills.

Scientists have invented a robot that can run like a cat. The only problem is that after it chases a ball of yarn for five minutes it just lays there without moving for the next nine hours.

The U.S. and Cuban post offices will hold talks to try to restart direct mail service between the two countries for the first time in more than half a century. The Cubans just want to get rid of all the mail we accidentally sent them that they have been holding in storage for 50 years.

The U.S. and Cuban post offices will hold talks to try to restart direct mail service between the two countries for the first time in more than half a century. Postal officials are excited about the possibility of bringing back the Raft Express.

The amount spent on the average wedding has gone up more than 5% in the past year to $28,000. Mostly because it’s not like couples have any more money than in savings or 401K accounts to lose when they eventually get divorced.

GM is recalling 194,000 SUVs because of the fear of fires. Although it is nowhere near the threat of fire with a vehicle as with car owners who want to torch their Chryslers after they’ve been sitting in the shop for months at a time.

A Russian tycoon is seeking human immortality and people with artificial brains by 2045. The only problem is who wants immortality when they have to spend it living in Russia?

A Russian tycoon is seeking human immortality and people with artificial brains by 2045. Apparently it is for people who want to live to see the day that the U.S. gets out of debt.

A Russian tycoon is seeking human immortality and people with artificial brains by 2045. His plan includes setting up a dinner date with Larry King and Miss America.

A report says the U.S. education system is slipping in world rankings. The first clue was the report was written in pencil and had misspelled “education” and “rankings”.

A study says that more companies are allowing employees to buy, sell and “donate” vacation time. Mostly because when people take vacation days they end up sitting around depressed that they don’t have any money to actually go anywhere.

A Gallup survey says that 7 out of 10 workers have “checked out” or hate their jobs. The survey says as many as 50 Million Americans are just “going through the motions” at work. Five of those are whoever is in the starting lineup for the Clippers.

A Gallup survey says that 7 out of 10 workers have “checked out” or hate their jobs. The other three have managed to qualify for unemployment, disability or welfare.

Ford is bringing back radio volume and tuning knobs. Apparently they want to return to the days where people were only distracted by changing radio stations instead of texting, making calls or watching a DVD while driving.

Ford is bringing back radio volume and tuning knobs. What’s next, antennas, cigarette lighters and curb finders?

Ford is bringing back radio volume and tuning knobs. What’s even worse is that the radios also feature an 8 track tape player.

A survey says that 75% of college professors plan to wait until after age 65 to retire. The professors who say they will wait the longest to retire are the ones at Notre Dame who want to see their school win another national football championship.

A former Microsoft manager says he wants to create the “Starbucks of pot”. If he wanted to be like Starbucks and sell an overpriced product to people looking to be wired out of their minds he would drop the pot and start trying to legalize cocaine.

Scientists say they are getting close to growing transplantable organs. Unfortunately, the only organ that most people can make grow on their own is their stomach.

A California man’s vision improved after he watched a 3D movie. The sad part is that he went into shock after he was able to see just how much it cost him to see a 3D movie.

An Australian woman who was injured in a car crash recovered to find she had developed a French accent. Which just means the accident left her with only about half a functioning brain.

The Mayo Clinic says that teenagers with chronic pain shouldn’t use medical marijuana. Apparently if they are hurting enough, they need to go out and buy the really potent stuff from their friends.

The Mayo Clinic says that teenagers with chronic pain shouldn’t use medical marijuana. How ironic is it that someone who is chronic shouldn’t be using chronic?

A New Zealand man survived a 15 story fall after trying to get into his locked apartment by climbing along a balcony. That is one of those cases where everyone would have been served better if he had just landed on his head.

A jury in Delaware has acquitted a urologist being sued by a man who claims he was responsible for his eight month long erection. A book is being written about the court case called “12 Angry & Jealous Men.”

A jury in Delaware has acquitted a urologist being sued by a man who claims he was responsible for his eight month long erection. The plaintiff was not happy. He was looking for a large cash award as well as a stiff sentence.

A jury in Delaware has acquitted a urologist being sued by a man who claims he was responsible for his eight month long erection. The worst part was when the bailiff kept laughing every time he told the courtroom to please rise.

A Boston children’s hospital is starting the world’s first hand transplant program for children. At the same time it is also starting a preventative program teaching children that they should only give their pet pit bull a cookie by tossing it.

Miss Utah fumbled a question about equal pay for women at the Miss USA pageant. Apparently she got confused and started talking about how a woman should be given the same allowance her husband gives to his seven other wives.

A study says that sibling bullying can be just as harmful to a child’s mental health as bullying from another child. Who knows what Emilio Estevez must have done all those years to his younger brother Charlie Sheen?

A study says that eating red meat is associated with a higher risk of developing diabetes. Especially when each meal includes red meat in the salad, entree and dessert.

Paris Jackson says that Justin Bieber is a bad role model. How bad is it when the daughter of an accused child molester and drug addict is telling you to clean up your act?

Honey Boo Boo is coming out with her own line of merchandise. Wal-Mart customers can find them over in the luxury brand aisle.

Former NBA player Walter McCarty is selling his 1996 University of Kentucky National Championship ring. Apparently he got nervous about keeping it around when he found out Vladimir Putin wanted to try it on.

A sewer backup in the Oakland Coliseum forced teams to vacate the clubhouse. It would have been fixed sooner, but at first everyone thought the stench was just left over from last year’s Raiders.

The world’s final telegram was sent from India last week. Apparently it said “Better give the guy delivering this a tip that will last him awhile.”

The world’s final telegram was sent from India last week. Apparently it arrived in the U.S. saying “Well, here’s another job you don’t have anymore.”

Washington State University has created a sperm bank for honeybees. The hardest part was finding any bee porn magazines to use for collecting donations.

Washington State University has created a sperm bank for honeybees. If there are any people who will be kept away from human sperm banks it will be the scientists who created the bee sperm bank.

China can now claim the world’s most powerful computer, which can process at 33 petaflops per second. Apparently that much power is needed to keep up with figuring out how much the U.S. is in debt to China.

China can now claim the world’s most powerful computer, which can process at 33 petaflops per second. The computer has so much more power than anything in the U.S. that even Watson has been asking for a prescription for Viagra.

A study has linked a certain gene with the need for deodorant. Apparently the gene is pretty much found only in people with lineage going back to France.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! My blog has officially hit the 200,000 mark in views. Which is sad that I have as many hits over a period of years that a cat playing the piano gets on Youtube gets in five minutes. Oh, well. At least I am on target for advancing to my goal of 7 Billion views a day. Just keep telling everyone you know and have them tell ten people every day and pass it along. In the meantime, I will be happy just to have you continue to send the love!

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