Sunday, June 16, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Researchers say that the U.S. is producing primary care doctors at an “abysmally low rate.” Mostly because before you can have students who can make it through medical school you have to find some who were even able to graduate high school.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft says that Russian President Vladimir Putin stole one of his Super Bowl rings. Apparently Putin figured anyone who was gullible enough to sign Tim Tebow wouldn’t mind him “borrowing” his ring for awhile.

Detroit will stop making payments on $2.5 Billion in debt to avoid bankruptcy. Can you do that? When most people and businesses stop paying their bills, that is exactly how they wind up in bankruptcy.

Florida Senator Marco Rubio says that legalizing illegal immigrants would fund tighter border security. If all immigrants were legalized, why have borders in the first place?

Jeb Bush says that immigrants are a benefit because they are “more fertile”. People were stunned. No one even knew that Kevin Federline had come here from another country.

A lost Medieval city has been uncovered in Cambodia. It was the first city unearthed from the Middle Ages since Tehran.

A study says that the cause of menopause is because older men historically look for younger women at which point the reproductive systems of older women shut down. Which means the whole thing can be pretty much blamed on Corvettes.

Chicago has received 11,000 requests for help to get kids to school through safe passage routes. Education experts were shocked. There are 11,000 kids still in school in Chicago?

Chicago has received 11,000 requests for help to get kids to school through safe passage routes. The worst part is the safe routes are the ones that get them out of Chicago.

The Iran presidential election was won by a moderate. In Iran, a moderate is someone who has progressed to the 17th century.

Mexican elections which are set for July include citizens protesting by trying to nominate a cat, donkey, chicken and a dog for political office. Or as we call those candidates in the U.S., “overqualified.”

A report says that putting kids in prison before they are 19 reduces the chance they will graduate high school and increases the chances of them committing crimes later. If you are in a position to be sent to prison before 19, it’s probably a good bet a high school diploma and law abiding path were not a part of your future anyway.

A report says that putting kids in prison before they are 19 reduces the chance they will graduate high school and increases the chances of them committing crimes later. Of course, keeping them out of prison means they will skip out on high school and commit more crimes right now.

The right of ownership to the song “Happy Birthday To You” is being contested in court. Which means one of these days you might have to bail out your six year old after the birthday party they are at is busted for copyright infringement.

There is a surge reported in low interest ten year home loans. Apparently people are hoping that they will be able to pay for them by actually finding a job some time in the next ten years.

Car leasing has reached record levels, with a quarter of all new cars being leased. Apparently people would rather rent than own the car they will eventually be living in.

Two residential parking spaces in Boston were sold for $560,000. Apparently the new owners felt it was a bargain compared with the cost of feeding meters and paying parking tickets in Boston.

Two residential parking spaces in Boston were sold for $560,000. Why would anyone pay that much for a parking space when $560,000 could pretty much pay for lifetime limo service?

Sony has come out with a new waterproof tablet. And you thought your kids were in the shower too long before.

Sony has come out with a new waterproof tablet. Which means anyone buying one should ask themselves are they a little too hooked on technology to need a computer that they would even be using when they are near water in the first place?

A study says that men who are using Propecia for baldness tend to drink less. Probably because they have no reason to drink away their sorrow now that they have hair again.

A study says that air pollution can trigger heart arrhythmias. Especially if you are behind the diesel tour bus for Beyonce.

An analysis says the world’s population could reach 11 Billion by the year 2100. But that estimate could drop all the way to 9 Billion once Kevin Federline gets a vasectomy.

Some U.S. hospitals are looking to recruit wealthy Mexican patients who are looking for treatment. Ironically the ones who need the treatment most are the ones who have been injured trying to cross the border to get into the country.

Experts say that the Japanese fetish of licking others’ eyeballs could lead to blindness. Mostly from someone getting poked in the eye by someone who doesn’t want some freak licking their eyeballs.

Keith Richards says he doesn’t regret abusing drugs. Mostly because he doesn’t even remember doing it.

Keith Richards says he doesn’t regret abusing drugs, saying he looked upon his body as a laboratory. Apparently he was talking about a meth lab.

Keith Richards says he doesn’t regret abusing drugs. The only problem is he never thought he would live to be this age and actually see the long term effects.

Kate Moss will pose nude to commemorate the 60th anniversary of Playboy magazine. The reason they chose the 39 year old model is because any women younger than that have no idea what Playboy magazine is.

Kate Middleton christened a cruise ship in England a month before her baby is due. Brits were shocked to see someone from the Royal Family doing such demanding physical work so close to the due date.

Kate Middleton christened a cruise ship in England a month before her baby is due. It wasn’t a Carnival cruise ship. If it was, afterwards she would have had to christen the salvage ship that would be trying to refloat it after it sinks.

Kate Middleton christened a cruise ship in England a month before her baby is due. Since she is pregnant and can’t drink, she gets christening duty since the other Royals can’t stand the thought of spilling any Champagne.

Kim Kardashian gave birth prematurely to a baby girl. Apparently she induced labor so she could get an early start at exploiting the baby by selling its pictures and working on developing a new reality show for the infant.

Facebook is set to announce a mysterious new product next week. Investors are hoping it might be a new type of stock that doesn’t lose all their money.

The word “tweet” was added to the Oxford English Dictionary. Although just about any bird can tell you that tweet is already in the dictionary.

The word “tweet” was added to the Oxford English Dictionary. The dictionary broke its rules as usually a word must be in use for ten years before being entered. Apparently lexicographers felt they needed to put it in before another fad makes it obsolete in the next few months.

A study found that Snowflake the famous albino gorilla was born that way because of inbreeding. Apparently the theory of white births being connected to inbreeding comes from genetic testing in Alabama.

Last week was the 50th anniversary of the space flight of Valentina Tereshkova, the first woman in space. That flight paved the way for other women to go into orbit, most notably Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Amanda Bynes.

Herman Cain says the U.S. is headed towards socialism and communism. Which may not be all that bad since capitalism is what got us $16 Trillion in debt.

Herman Cain says the U.S. is headed towards socialism and communism. Although the argument against that statement is the democracy still in place that allowed the people to vote a crackpot like him out of office.

More than half of all Senators skipped out on a surveillance briefing by the NSA so they could head home early for Father’s Day. Even NBA players are saying there isn’t that much stuff you have to get done on Father’s Day.

Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus says moving the national convention up would improve the party’s chances of winning elections. Move it up earlier? For most candidates, the convention started the day after the 2012 election.

Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus says moving the national convention up would improve the party’s chances of winning elections. To go any earlier  would mean starting the 2020 primaries next week.

Google is reportedly launching Internet beaming balloons to provide online access around the world. Apparently they got the idea from AOL which is still using pigeons to deliver its e-mails.

New technology will allow atomic clocks to become even more accurate. Apparently they need them to be more precise to stay within a billion or so dollars on the national debt clock.

A Wendy’s in Canada will drop the nine patty T. Rex burger they have been selling for years. Apparently it got its name because anyone who ate it soon after became extinct.

Oil baron Harold Hamm’s divorce could result in the largest settlement in history, costing him billions of dollars. Which means everyone knows who to blame when the case is settled and gasoline prices go up to $7 a gallon.

A former L.A. Kings executive says that Los Angeles is not a hockey town. With no NFL team, the Dodgers, Angels, Clippers and Lakers it is just pretty much not a sports town anymore.

The Carnival Triumph has set sail again after being left adrift at sea last February. Not to say it isn’t seaworthy, but even Cuban refugees are saying they would rather book their trip to Florida on a raft.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! What a great weekend. Father’s Day, the U.S. Open, the NHL and NBA finals. All those events are booked this weekend because it is the one time no one will make dad feel guilty for parking himself in front of the TV all weekend. Happy Father’s Day to all dads out there. It’s the perfect time to make sure you send the love!

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