Friday, June 14, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Sarah Palin will be coming back to Fox News. Roger Ailes said he originally hired her because “she is hot and gets ratings.” Which means that any day now Sean Hannity will be replaced by Kim Kardashian.

The disapproval rating of Congress has dropped to an all time low of 90%. Political experts are shocked. Who are the 10% who still think they are doing a good job?

The disapproval rating of Congress has dropped to an all time low of 90%, while banks’ ratings have actually gone up 5%. Reaction from both institutions was the same. So what?

A California man accidentally sold his wife’s wedding ring at a garage sale for $10. The worst part is that she was still wearing it at the time.

HGTV is being criticized for suggesting people use an American flag as a tablecloth on July 4th. Rants included “No one has ever died for a tablecloth.” That is wrong. Our nation is leading the world in heart disease and diabetes. Tablecloths have killed more Americans than any war.

NewsCorp CEO Rupert Murdoch is reportedly divorcing his third wife. Apparently he just doesn’ t want to be outdone at anything by Rush Limbaugh.

Steven Spielberg is predicting an “implosion” in the film industry that could result in $25 ticket prices for some movies. In this economy there is no way anyone would pay $25 to see a movie. Unless you are a man and the film features Mila Kunis taking off her clothes.

A study says the smell of money is enough to cause corruption. Which isn’t entirely true as any banker will tell you. It’s the smell of a burning $100 bill being used to light a Cuban cigar.

Sesame Street has designed an online kit for kids who have a parent in prison. Which is great news for Lindsay Lohan in case she ever decides to start a family.

Sesame Street has designed an online kit for kids who have a parent in prison. The kit has many helpful tips, like when Oscar the Grouch shows how to hide pot inside a Barbie doll in order to sneak it into daddy on visiting day.

The L.A. Unified School District is paying off kids with cash, gifts and even cars for attending class. Remember the old days when the only reward you got for showing up every day was a piece of paper that said something about graduating?

The Inspector General says that 1,000 IRS employees misused government credit cards. Has anyone noticed the size of the national debt. Apparently to federal employees, the government is a credit card.

Wal-Mart has confirmed that the company is hiring more temporary workers. Of course, in this economy everyone is a temporary worker.

A man was arrested after he vandalized the portrait of Queen Elizabeth II’s portrait at Westminster Abbey. The sad part is that Prince Charles’ portrait was vandalized in 1986 and no one noticed until last month.
Los Angeles leads the nation in the amount of Medicare spending on end of life care. Mostly because no self respecting Angeleno wants to be put on display at their showing without a facelift and chin implant.
An Australian woman has given up on her quest to swim from Cuba to Florida. Apparently she became discouraged when she was passed on the way by a family of four doing the backstroke. 
Texas Governor Rick Perry has signed a law protecting people from legal action for wishing a “Merry Christmas.” It’s Texas. There is already a law on the books making it legal there to shoot anyone who wishes you a generic “Happy Holidays.”
Chrysler is recalling 30,000 Ram trucks for a faulty warning light. Apparently the warning light is supposed to come on telling people not to buy a Chrysler. 
Statistics show that O’Hare International Airport in Chicago is last among big airports for on time departures. No one even knew that it was being used as a hub by JetBlue.
Statistics show that O’Hare International Airport in Chicago is last among big airports for on time departures at 65%. The other 35% could be taken care of just by getting some faster bartenders in the pilots’ lounge.
Chase and Citigroup were among banks that were the victims of a $15 Million heist by hackers. To which customers who deal with constant overdraft and ATM fees are saying “So how does it feel?" 
American Airlines is going to reduce legroom in coach by squeezing in even more seats into their planes. Or as Southwest passengers are saying, “What’s legroom?”
Joan Jett is suing Hot Topic over the Blackheart trademark. To which most Hot Topic customers are saying “Who’s Joan Jett?" 
A new diet gaining popularity allows people to eat anything they want for five days and then fast for two. Which is basically binge and purge without having to stick your fingers down your throat.
A study says that babies may be able to show sympathy before their first birthday. Then most people pretty much lose it for good after they turn three.
An eyeball licking fetish is catching on in Japan with adolescents. Whatever happened to when pupils used to lick other pupils and not their pupils?
Scans show that breast milk is good for the brain. On the other hand, just seeing a breast is enough to get the male brain to stop working altogether. 
A study shows that dads who bond with their kids help keep their marriage strong. Mostly because their wives are too afraid to throw anything at them if the kids are always in the line of fire.
The CEO of the Tennis Channel went into an online rant after losing a court case, saying the court’s decision was “a travesty of justice, wholly wrong and unfair and just plain hard to believe.” Apparently he has hired John McEnroe to write all his insults.
Kate Middleton reportedly plans to have a hypnotherapy birth. Apparently hypnosis helps to relieve fear and anxiety. The fear and anxiety of having to go through all the applications to hire three or four nannies to actually raise your child. 
Kim Kardashian is reportedly moving in with her mother Kris Jenner with no plans yet to marry Kanye West. Apparently the wedding won’t be finalized until all the intimate details are taken care of, like lining up all the sponsors and signing the contract with the cable network that will carry it.
Lindsay Lohan has left the Betty Ford Center for a different rehab facility. Apparently she has opted for one that honors her frequent addict points. 
The University of Kentucky has offered a scholarship to a 13 year old 7th grader. Mostly because he qualifies for the college because he has already gone further in school than most other kids from Kentucky. 
The University of Kentucky has offered a scholarship to a 13 year old 7th grader. There is a word for a 13 year old in the 7th grade in Kentucky. “Overachiever.” 
A poll taken before the NSA scandal showed that 85% of Americans were already concerned about their personal information. Apparently people gave up on ever keeping anything secret once Facebook came around.
The Supreme Court says that companies can’t patent human genes. The hardest part was when the defendants had to call God to the stand for cross examination.
Apple is expected to come up with a phablet, or a big screen cellphone. Apparently they feel there just aren’t enough options to make users even more obnoxious with their cellphones than they already are.
The National Climatic Data Center says this spring in the U.S. was the coolest since 1996. The last time it was this cool, Al Gore wasn’t talking about global warming because he was still inventing the Internet. 
A study says that the leprosy genome is basically unchanged from the Middle Ages. The worst part is that neither has the treatment at HMOs which is to banish patients and make them wear a bell to alert others they are nearby.
A Fox News poll says that same sex marriage continues to divide the nation. Almost as much as Fox News.
That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Running a little late today because I am intermittently watching the U.S. Open. It’s every comedy writer’s dream to see a fourth round pairing of Tiger Woods and Sergio Garcia. We can only dream. In the meantime, you can make my dreams come true every time you send the love!

1 comment:

Rick said...

Jim, I liked your, I think, unintentional pun--
"The CEO of the Tennis Channel went into an online rant after losing a "court" case...
Very good, Tennis Channel CEO lost a COURT case. Thanks for all your incredibly good jokes. It makes my day.