Thursday, June 13, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A nun who held the world’s record for being cloistered 86 years has died in Spain at age 105. Her last words were “Can I talk now?”

A New Jersey man is suing his doctor after a botched procedure left him with an erection that lasted 8 months. Apparently it became such a problem his standard greeting to people became “Yes, I am happy to see you.”

National Intelligence Director James Clapper says he gave Congress the “least untruthful” answer when denying there was widespread data collection on Americans. As opposed to being the “least unfalse” or “somewhat vaguely accurate” which were apparently his other choices.

National Intelligence Director James Clapper says he gave Congress the “least untruthful” answer when denying there was widespread data collection on Americans. But apparently it didn’t matter anyway since he had his fingers crossed behind his back.

National Intelligence Director James Clapper says he gave Congress the “least untruthful” answer when denying there was widespread data collection on Americans. Which no one could complain about since it is more than you will ever get from most members of Congress.

Mick Jagger says that ballet helps keep him fit. Who knew that when Jack Flash was jumpin’ it was a grand jete?

Mick Jagger says that ballet helps keep him fit. So while Jagger was working on his vertical leap, Keith Richards considered it a success to just stay vertical.

A Pennsylvania woman who mysteriously disappeared for 11 years is being sentenced to jail for a year. Which made her finally remember why she left.

A report says that U.S. intelligence is so big that even packers and craters are getting top secret clearance. Which makes sense now to anyone who has had more than a few boxes turn up missing once the moving company was through.

A New Mexico man was sentenced to 6 months in jail for tattooing his three year old nephew. The worst part is he gave him a tramp stamp.

A New Mexico man was sentenced to 6 months in jail for tattooing his three year old nephew. When that kid is 30 he will regret having that full chest ink of Barney.

A study links chemicals in food packaging with obesity. How fat are we getting that we can’t even wait to get our food unwrapped before eating it?

Iraq oil production is expected to be up 29% in 2014. Which means when they sell all that oil to us at inflated prices they will have lost a few battles but will have won the war.

A survey says the biggest work distraction is noisy colleagues. Apparently the survey was taken on the set of “Celebrity Apprentice”.

A survey says the biggest work distraction is noisy colleagues. Although in this economy, people are just happy to have colleagues so they don’t have to do all the work themselves.

Google says it has nothing to hide concerning government spying. What they are hiding is how much spying they are doing with all Internet users on their own.

A survey of the nation’s CEOs says that they are optimistic about hiring more workers in the next six months. Of course, the people the CEOs will be hiring are mostly chefs, chauffeurs and nannies.

Admissions officials at top business schools say they are accepting alternate application essays including tweets. Which means that when you see your kid aimlessly texting on their cellphone, they may actually be acquiring the skills they need to get their MBA.

Dodge is recalling 13,000 cars that are stalling in cold weather. Which means in the middle of summer those same cars will be recalled for stalling in hot weather.

GM is targeting a pretax profit margin of 10% by the middle of the decade. Which means they will have a post tax profit margin of 10% since no corporations have paid taxes in years.

The NSA Chief says that their phone surveillance program has thwarted “dozens” of attacks in the U.S. and other countries. Although the only phone surveillance that has really ever cut down on attacks is when someone took Naomi Campbell’s cellphone away from her.

Inflation is reportedly at a 53 year low. As is employment, savings and disposable income.

Yahoo will start offering inactive e-mail accounts to new users. Inactive accounts meaning pretty much anything ending with “@yahoo.com”.

A sleepy banker in Germany kept their finger on a button and accidentally transferred 222,222,222 Euros to a personal account. No one even knew the finance minister in Greece had gotten a new job.

A sleepy banker in Germany kept their finger on a button and accidentally transferred 222,222,222 Euros to a personal account. To which Bernard Madoff says “Why didn’t I think of that excuse?”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell defended the nickname of the Washington Redskins to Congress, saying that it was really meant to represent “strength, courage, pride and respect.” He says if anyone should be mad at how a team besmirches their good name it is Bengal tigers.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell defended the nickname of the Washington Redskins to Congress, saying that it was really meant to represent “strength, courage, pride and respect.” He says sports already polices itself with nicknames, getting rid of the most insulting team name in history. The Washington Senators.

A study by AAA says that voice to text devices are more distracting than cellphones. Mostly because it frees up drivers hands while they are texting so they can eat lunch and put on their makeup.

Facebook is adding twitter like hashtags so people can follow conversations. Which will be great for people over 40 when they finally figure out how to use their twitter accounts.

The British are set to regulate e-cigarettes and other nicotine products as medicines by 2016. Which hopefully by then they will have another product to get people off being hooked on patches and e-cigarettes.

The world’s oldest man has died in Japan at 116 from natural causes. What did they expect was going to kill him, a motorcycle or hang gliding accident?

A study says that Restless Leg Syndrome is being tied to early death. Especially when you keep kicking your spouse all night under the covers.

A study says that cross country skiers are at higher risk of having irregular heartbeats. Then from there it just goes downhill.

CBS News has won seven Edward R. Murrow Awards. That works out to one award for every person who still watches CBS News programming.

Kanye West in an interview compared himself to Michael Jordan and Steve Jobs. Most people agree. Jordan and Jobs couldn’t sing, either.

A lawsuit claims that a group seeking to raise money to look for Amelia Earhart’s plane actually found it back in 2010. Apparently the suit claims the money could have been used to find all those missing JetBlue flights.

ESPN says it will stop broadcasting in 3D at the end of the year. Apparently seeing Chris Berman coming out of the TV set was just scaring too many children and old ladies.

A California woman says she found a razor blade in a Burger King Whopper. Unlike the Wendy’s chili lady, at least this whopper is about a Whopper.

An 1891 $1,000 Silver Certificate has been auctioned for $2.6 Million. Mostly because a thousand dollars in 1891 could buy about $5 Million worth of stuff today.

Security experts say that a kill switch that renders cellphones unworkable may be the way to stop the rash of phone thefts. Or people could get the same results by just signing up with AT&T.

A study by Nickelodeon says that men mature at 43, compared with women who mature at age 32. Which is pretty much proven by the fact that a survey about men’s maturity had to be done by Nickelodeon.

Japanese baseball officials admit they “juiced” the balls to increase offense. Here in the U.S., players were doing the same thing but only cutting out the middle man and juicing themselves.

Japanese baseball officials admit they “juiced” the balls to increase offense. They even have a guy from BALCO who will testify he injected the baseballs himself.

A study says that taking a walk after a meal may be enough to control diabetes. At least as long as the walk doesn’t end up at Baskin-Robbins, Dairy Queen or Krispy Kreme.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! If you made it this far I must commend your intestinal fortitude. Just remember that all I ask is for you to send the love, even though all it does is encourage me to continue!

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