Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A report says that off duty police officers were collecting DNA samples at roadblocks in Alabama. No one knows why they were even doing it as all the DNA in Alabama is the same.

A New Jersey bill would require drivers who were involved in accidents to hand over their cellphones to police without a warrant to check to see if they were using their phone when they crashed. The best way to tell is when they have to peel their phone off their face to hand it over.

A New Jersey bill would require drivers who were involved in accidents to hand over their cellphones to police without a warrant to check to see if they were using their phone when they crashed. The only other explanations are usually driving drunk and putting on spray tan while behind the wheel.

NASA has video of tornadoes on the Sun. Apparently even the Sun is experiencing global warming.

Germany is reportedly outraged at the U.S. spying by the NSA. Germans prefer to gather information on their people the old fashioned way. Depending on neighbors to report on each other to authorities.

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is proposing a $20 Billion plan to build walls, bulkheads and levees to protect the city from climate change and storms. And more than anything else to keep out people from New Jersey.

A report says that Wall Street CEOs are hiring "sober minders" to keep them away from alcohol and drugs. Apparently their families, the board of directors and shareholders are too busy to see what kind of job they are actually doing for the company.

Walgreens has paid an $80 Million fine for allowing painkillers to make it to the black market. Which is OK with them since they sold the drugs in the first place for $200 Million.

Walgreens has paid an $80 Million fine for allowing painkillers to make it to the black market. Apparently the company was tired of watching the drug dealers get all the profits.

A study says the world was a less peaceful place in 2013. The question is, less peaceful than what? Venus? Neptune?

A survey says that more than half of all U.S. university presidents believe a four year degree is worth less than it was five years ago. What’s worse, most students that started college five years ago are half way to their four year degree.

A survey says that more than half of all U.S. university presidents believe a four year degree is worth less than it was five years ago. Mostly because five years ago it cost half of what it does now.

A survey says that more than half of all U.S. university presidents believe a four year degree is worth less than it was five years ago. Even a subprime loan on a house in Nevada five years ago is looking like a better investment.

A survey says that one fourth of all college students feel unprepared for the working world. Which is no problem because even after they graduate they probably have four or five years before they can actually find a job.

Marlboro maker Altria is planning on selling an e-cigarette. Not to say that is going to make the brand a little less macho, but the Marlboro Man is trading in his horse for a Rascal.

Home prices in southern California are up 25% over the past year. They aren’t really worth any more. But since no one can afford to buy a home there anyway, jacking up the price makes the homeowner feel wealthier.

New technology by an educational company makes it able to predict a student’s final grade in a class and even their percentage. For instance, at UNLV it starts everyone at 60% and works its way down from there.

Google says it wants to release secret data requests from the government. People were shocked. Since when does the government make a request for secret data?

A study says that housing discrimination still exists, but is more subtle. Although in this market housing discrimination isn’t based on race, just on who has the most cash up front.

An analysis says that car repair costs in California are among the highest in the nation. Mostly because people there won’t accept a loaner car that is anything less than a Mercedes or BMW.

An analysis says that car repair costs in California are among the highest in the nation. Getting your car repaired is a status symbol there. It means you could afford the cost of the car, the gas, insurance and driving in the same neighborhood as Lindsay Lohan.

Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer is auctioning a lunch meeting for charity. The winner will probably be a Yahoo employee who wants to have lunch at their home like they used to before Mayer dropped the telecommuting program.

A report says that banks are raking in profits from high overdraft fees. Banks dispute the charges, saying they aren’t any higher than their excessive ATM fees, monthly service fees and minimum balance fees.

A growing number of doctors are doing away with insurance covered patients and taking cash only for office visits. The only problem is that people with insurance have no cash left over and people who don’t have insurance are without it because they don’t have any cash in the first place.

A genetics test may tell how often people need to go to the dentist. If the cheek swab comes back coated with mold, blood and three day old food, the person should probably see their dentist sooner than later. 

A genetics test may tell how often people need to go to the dentist. If the test shows your genetic pool is from Alabama, you probably have no reason to ever waste your time having a dentist look for any teeth to clean.

A study says that frequently heading a soccer ball may leave lasting brain damage. The good news is if you are hit in the head enough, you may actually be able to appreciate watching a three hour game that ends in a 0-0 tie.

A study at Michigan State University says that 95% of people wash their hands incorrectly. The other 5% are the ones who made it into the University of Michigan.

A study at Michigan State University says that 95% of people wash their hands incorrectly. Experts are shocked. 95% of people wash their hands?

A study at Michigan State University says that 95% of people wash their hands incorrectly. The other 5% are the people in Michigan who still have a job and need to look clean for work.

A study says that seniors with hearing loss are at an increased risk for injury, hospitalization, and depression. To which most seniors are saying “What?”

A study says that seniors with hearing loss are at an increased risk for injury, hospitalization, and depression. Of course, seniors who can hear just fine are also at an increased risk for injury, hospitalization and depression.

A study says that heavier pregnant women tend to deliver prematurely. Mostly because their body was having enough trouble with them being fat and not having another person to constantly carry around.

A study says that sleep apnea may increase the risk of sudden cardiac death. That news will help those people sleep a little easier at night.

A study says that the children of working moms fare just as well as those of their stay at home counterparts. Mostly because the stay at home mom they used in the study was Britney Spears.

Judges in the court case over New York City’s ban on sodas are asking why the limit was set at 16 ounces. Apparently the city wanted to start by eliminating containers that were large enough to attract a small child to jump into on a hot day.

Judges in the court case over New York City’s ban on sodas are asking why the limit was set at 16 ounces. Apparently the city wanted to limit the size to the amount of soda that would only rot up to three teeth per drink.

Warner Brothers has dropped a proposed sequel to “Dumb and Dumber”. Apparently the studio feels that people who want to watch two hopelessly stupid people who constantly fight will just tune in to C-SPAN.

Ringo Starr will write a children’s book based on his song “Octopus’ Garden”. Kids’ grandparents can tell them they used to listen to the Beatles sing the song on a record. They can then explain who Ringo Starr is, who the Beatles were and what a record was.

Ringo Starr will write a children’s book based on his song “Octopus’ Garden”. The 72 year old Starr thought better of writing a book based on another of his hits, “You’re 16, You’re Beautiful and You’re Mine.”

Alfonso Ribeiro is set to host “Spell-Mageddon” on ABC Family. You would think a show that is essentially a spelling bee would possibly use a real word for the title.

Layoffs and cutbacks are planned at PBS’ NewsHour. Things are getting so tight at PBS that to boost ratings they are now going to have Jim Lehrer co-anchor the newscast with Barney.

An Argentine soccer play was red carded for kicking a medical cart driver during a game. Just think how much trouble he would have gotten into if he had used his hands.

Mark Zuckerberg presided over the first Facebook stockholder meeting since the failed IPO. Who would have thought that the people who invested into fake farmland would be better off than the people who bought Facebook stock?

A poll says that Americans say that NSA leaks don’t damage national security. We’re concerned with people not taking bottles of shampoo on airplanes and let the Boston Marathon bombers slip right through the cracks. What national security?

A report says that people 80 and older are more likely to have economic woes than other seniors. Mostly because those kids who are 79 and younger are taking all the good jobs.

A report says that people 80 and older are more likely to have economic woes than other seniors. It should be easy for them. The people who were around in 1929 have already been through this once before.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! San Antonio really handed it to the Heat last night. LeBron James went 7 for 21 from the field. Even the ghost of Davy Crockett came back to thank the Heat for making their loss at the Alamo look a little less one sided. In the meantime, you can always be a winner by remembering to send the love!

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