Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

29 year old Edward Snowden has admitted to being the leaker of the NSA phone surveillance policy. He is a high school dropout who has a GED. Doesn't "intelligence" suggest that the place is run by people who have an education?

A Pennsylvania woman says she has been drinking blood vampire style from willing donors for 30 years. The “willing donors” part is the only thing that keeps her from being charged with impersonating an IRS agent.

Three people have been found dead in the same North Carolina hotel room in the past two months. Although the people still said it was a better experience than staying in a Super 8 Motel.

The diabetes death rate is at an all time high in New York City. Apparently people there are serious when they say Mayor Bloomberg will get their Big Gulps when he pries them out of their cold, dead fingers.

The diabetes death rate is at an all time high in New York City. Forget gun control, it turns out more lives can be saved by disarming people from their Big Gulp.

A Saudi Prince who is ranked 26th on the Forbes list of billionaires is suing the magazine for not rating him higher. Even Donald Trump is saying “Get over yourself.”

A Saudi Prince who is ranked 26th on the Forbes list of billionaires is suing the magazine for not rating him higher. Apparently he is suing for just enough money to move him up to number 25.

A zoo in Israel is using acupuncture on a tiger for a chronic ear infection. They will know the tiger is cured when it can actually hear that there is someone in the cage and it eats the acupuncturist.

A zoo in Israel is using acupuncture on a tiger for a chronic ear infection. There hasn’t been anyone who has needled a Tiger this badly since Sergio Garcia.

The IRS is making its 10% tanning tax for health care reform permanent. Once again, the wealthy dodge the tax man by making sure their tan doesn’t come from a salon but from a beach on the French Riviera.

The military is reportedly testing a stealth motorcycle. A two wheeled vehicle that escapes detection. Which means our soldiers are basically going to be riding bikes into battle.

A study says that driving can be as stressful as skydiving. But only if you look in your rearview mirror and see Lindsay Lohan in the car behind you.

A study says that driving can be as stressful as skydiving. Mostly because when you are skydiving you don’t land at the office.

Some anti-obesity ads are coming under fire for digitally making the kids in the commercials fatter. Are they serious? Since when do we need to use special effects to make our kids look overweight?

Some anti-obesity ads are coming under fire for digitally making the kids in the commercials fatter. Hollywood is tough. You can’t even be a fat kid to get a role as a fat kid.

New Zealand tourism is reportedly up because of the Hobbit movie being shot there. Apparently it will add greatly to the three people who usually visit the country every year to look at sheep.

The man who invented GPS says that the future of transportation will be self driving cars. Mostly because so many people are crashing now trying to look at their GPS display to try to figure out where they are.

A report says that fewer than half of driver’s license applicants in New York City passed the road test. Mostly because fewer than half of all Formula One drivers would pass a road test in New York City.

A report says that fewer than half of driver’s license applicants in New York City passed the road test. There’s a word for people who fail their driving test in New York City. Cabbies.

Three years after the BP Gulf Oil Spill, active cleanup has ended in Mississippi, Alabama and Florida. In Louisiana the status of the cleanup is “What’s the difference?”

A study says that cars sold in Brazil are less safe than models sold in the U.S. and Europe. Mostly because they are driven by Brazilians during Carnival.

A study says that cars sold in Brazil are less safe than models sold in the U.S. and Europe. Which just means that Brazilians have a thing for Chryslers.

A California school is holding a toy gun buyback. After that, they will be conducting a free clinic for Cooties.

A California school is holding a toy gun buyback. Apparently they don’t want kids to come to school with toy guns thinking they have a chance against the kids who have real guns.

Kobe Bryant has settled with an auction house over a dispute he had with his mother who was trying to sell some of his possessions, including three rings. Apparently those were the rings he was going to give his wife for what he was going to do in July, August and September.

A report says that one fourth of New York City could be a flood zone by 2050. City officials knew things were getting bad when cabbies were trading in their cars for gondolas.

A report says that one fourth of New York City could be a flood zone by 2050. The good news is that it will be easy to change the signs from “subway” to “submarine”.

Some airports are using therapy dogs to take the stress out of flying. Apparently the dogs will hump people’s legs to take their mind off the real violations they are going through in the TSA security line.

A study says that three out of twenty instruments used in colonoscopies are not properly cleaned. Which isn’t really a problem unless the instruments are shared with a dentist in the same office.

A study says that three out of twenty instruments used in colonoscopies are not properly cleaned. The recommendation is to just make sure you aren’t scheduled for a procedure after Rosie O’Donnell.

A study says that one annual dental cleaning is enough for some people. Unless you live in Alabama where one a year is actually too many.

A 65 year old Seattle woman is attempting to live six months without eating any food. Or as supermodels call that, binging.

A study says that yoga may improve a person’s focus as well as the ability to remember new things. Like wondering why they started yoga when they can’t get themselves out of the Lotus position.

A study says that low blood sugar in adults with Type 2 Diabetes may increase the risk of dementia. Especially if their low blood sugar is a result of their forgetting they already took too much insulin.

A study says that schools will be less likely to sell unhealthy snacks if there are rules against it. However, the same study says that kids will get an education if they do all their school work.

A study says that 40% of designated drivers drink before they get behind the wheel. Mostly because they know they still come off as being sober when they are compared to the drunks who they are driving around.

“Piranha 3” star Cody Longo was arrested in California for DUI. Apparently he went out drinking after realizing the highlight of his acting career is “Piranha 3”.

Justin Bieber is being sued by a photographer who claims he was assaulted by Bieber’s bodyguard. What’s worse, after the assault Bieber started singing “I Will Always Love You.”

Rapper 2 Chainz was robbed at gunpoint in San Francisco hours before a concert. Or as that is known in the rap world, a dress rehearsal.

Miss Iowa, a one armed contestant will compete in the Miss America Pageant. She will be the one beauty contestant whose disability will be below the neck.

Cincinnati Bengals cornerback Pacman Jones was arrested for punching a woman while he claims he was protecting himself. It’s good to see that it is still only June and the Bengals’ players are already showing mid-season form.

Cleveland Indian closer Chris Perez is pleading not guilty to having marijuana delivered to his house addressed to his dog. Apparently it is the same defense that Barry Bonds tried when he said the steroids were for his falcon that used to be a parakeet.

Tiger Woods and Sergio Garcia shook hands on the practice tee at the U.S. Open. Sergio knew how to put Tiger on the defensive. Tiger is always nervous when someone comes up behind him carrying a 9 iron.

A report says that one third of adult Americans own a tablet. Larry King says he was the first American to own a tablet when he was able to get Moses to give him one.

A team of researchers is rebuilding the first web site. Apparently it was a tutorial on how to cut your own hair by Bill Gates.

Scientists have created recyclable solar cells from trees. Apparently the plan is to use the energy from the cells to bring down the temperature of the planet caused by all the deforestation.

A survey says that six in ten Americans see nothing wrong with mass government surveillance. Mostly because those are the six in ten who because of the economy no longer have a home, a phone or Internet connection.

The White House has postponed the annual congressional picnic. Apparently somehow the administration knew in advance that several key members of Congress had already made other plans that day, where they were going to be and when they would be returning.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Feel free to comment on the jokes and to pass the site along to your friends. Always nice to hear from my readers, especially when you are sending the love!

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