Sunday, June 02, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Weather Channel meteorologist Mike Bettes was injured while chasing tornadoes in Oklahoma. It was the worst injury ever for a meteorologist other than bruising from a lightsaber at a Star Wars convention.

A study says that sports pundits are more popular if they are confident rather than accurate. Of course, it’s easy to be both and just say the Cubs, Browns and Clippers are going to lose.

A study says that sports pundits are more popular if they are confident rather than accurate. Of course, people become sports pundits to try to gain some of the popularity they could never get by actually playing any sports themselves.

A study says that sports pundits are more popular if they are confident rather than accurate was inspired by stock analyst Jim Cramer. With Cramer’s record, if he were a sports pundit he would be predicting that Tiger Woods and Sergio Garcia were going to go on a pleasure cruise together in the off season.

Philip Seymour Hoffman has gone into rehab for heroin abuse. Apparently even heroin makes him seem more upbeat than most of the characters he plays.

Lou Reed is reportedly recovering after a liver transplant. Doctors rated his old liver somewhere between “Love Canal” and “Three Mile Island”.

Lou Reed is reportedly recovering after a liver transplant. Not to say that drugs took a toll on his health, but police say his old liver had a street value of $22 Million.

A study says that one in thirteen humans have flexible ape-like feet. Apparently it is the next stage of evolution so that people will be able to text with their feet while still keeping their hands on the wheel.

“Good Morning America” won the May ratings book for the first time in 18 years. It has gotten so bad over at “Today” that they are running a new segment called “Where in the world are...our viewers?”

“Good Morning America” won the May ratings book for the first time in 18 years. It is getting so worrisome over at “Today” that Matt Lauer’s hair would be turning gray if he had any left.

A report says that Tim Tebow feels his NFL career may be over. NFL fans were shocked. Tebow had a career?

A report says that Tim Tebow feels his NFL career may be over. Apparently once the Cleveland Browns take a pass on signing you even arena football isn’t an option.

A report says that Tim Tebow feels his NFL career may be over. At least he can actually find a real use for his Heisman trophy as a paperweight.

A report says that the wealth of most Americans is down 55% since the recession began. The good news is that means that anyone who had a subprime mortgage when the recession began is now actually up 45%.

New York City is offering a used full size morgue cooler for sale on eBay. Apparently they don’t need as much cooler space because Mayor Bloomberg’s soda ban has made for much sleeker and more easily storable corpses.

The U.S. is warning Americans against visiting the Pyramids in Egypt because of security concerns. Apparently it’s the most danger Americans have been subjected to by Pyramids since Bernard Madoff.

The U.S. is warning Americans against visiting the Pyramids in Egypt because of security concerns. Instead of telling us which parts of the Middle East are dangerous, how about making a much shorter list and saying which places are actually safe?

A woman was arrested at a Philadelphia airport with $140,000 worth of cocaine hidden in three pairs of shoes. Apparently authorities were tipped off when they saw the brand of the shoes were “Nose Candies”.

A woman was arrested at a Philadelphia airport with $140,000 worth of cocaine hidden in three pairs of shoes. Apparently authorities became suspicious when they saw a woman traveling with only three pairs of shoes.

Oscar Pistorius’ uncle says the double amputee sprinter is a “broken man.” Even O.J. Simpson says “Dude, that is the lamest murder defense I have ever heard.”

A federal judge says that Google must comply with the FBI’s warrantless demands for customer data. Can’t the feds just find what they are looking for like everyone else by googling it?

A federal judge says that Google must comply with the FBI’s warrantless demands for customer data. The question is, what is Google doing with all that information the federal government can’t even get in the first place?

The Los Angeles River has been opened for public recreation for the first time in 80 years. People can hardly wait to use the river bed for such traditional aquatic activities as jogging, bicycling and skateboarding.

Jean Stapleton, TV’s Edith Bunker has died at age 90. She was married to the most bigoted man on television. At least before Bill O’Reilly came along.

A ban on smoking in most public places took place this week in Russia. The only problem is finding something to do with the other hand while they are drinking.

Detroit is bringing back the hit local show from the ‘70s, “Bowling For Dollars”. It’s the only time anyone in the city every used the word “strike” that wasn’t referring to the UAW.

Nutritional labels may soon be placed on alcoholic beverages. Most of the labels will say “You want nutrition? Check the mixer.”

Nutritional labels may soon be placed on alcoholic beverages. Which is good because it will finally allow skid row winos to see exactly what vitamins, minerals and calories they are consuming with their vintage of choice.

Major League Baseball attendance is down nearly 3% in 2013. The only way attendance could actually drop in Miami is if the homeless people living in Marlins Park were to leave the stadium before the games start.

A poll of young adults says that having 21st century skills is linked to work success. Which apparently means looking for recipes on Pinterest, sending out endless tweets, and posting hundreds of pictures on Facebook every day.

A study says that Generation Xers are faring poorly in the recession. Which is probably why they call it a recession.

A study says that Generation Xers are faring poorly in the recession. The only question is how can anyone tell?

Disney has increased admission prices to its theme parks to $92 a day. Apparently spending nearly $100 to stand in extreme heat with huge crowds waiting to take scary rides is still a bargain compared to booking a trip to Mexico City.

A sequel to the 1982 film “Blade Runner” is in the works, with Harrison Ford set to reprise his role as a cop hunting down human clones. Thirty years later, it turns out the only person with completely recycled DNA is Cher.

A study says that narcissistic men with an unrealistically positive self image and a feeling of entitlement find it easier to attract mates. Which explains how Donald Trump has managed to make it to wife number three.

A study says that narcissistic men with an unrealistically positive self image and a feeling of entitlement find it easier to attract mates. There’s a word for men like that. Men.

A veterinarian journal says that more people are using medical marijuana on their pets. Which really means that people just think it’s funny to watch their cat stumble around after getting stoned.

A veterinarian journal says that more people are using medical marijuana on their pets. Does anyone need to use marijuana on dogs? They eat everything in sight, chase a  Frisbee around and then pass out the rest of the day. They are born stoned.

Starbucks is banning smoking within 25 feet of their store premises. Is that really necessary? After paying for a double mocha latte and a croissant, who has enough money left for cigarettes?

A survey says that 76% of doctors approve of medical marijuana. The other 24% feel that smoking and eating brownies are what got most of their patients needing a doctor in the first place.

The FDA says that allergy medications may make people too drowsy to drive. Which means they are recommending the dosages be increased until people are too drowsy to text while they are driving.

A California woman won $1 Million on “Wheel of Fortune”. Which means for anyone winning $1 Million in California, the show should be called “Wheel of Being Able to Get Your Home Out of Foreclosure”.

Jim Carrey is set to publish a children’s book. For any child able to make it all the way through an entire book written by Jim Carrey, the last page is a tear out prescription for a year’s supply of Ritalin.

87 year old Dick van Dyke is blaming dental implants on his unexplained head pain. Although most people would blame any unexplained head pain probably on being 87.

Martin Sheen will serve a mentor at a camp in New Mexico. Is that really a good idea to have as a mentor the man who raised Charlie Sheen?

Tiger Woods shot a 44 for 9 holes, his worst ever as a pro at the Memorial Golf Tournament. Tiger was actually hoping that Sergio Garcia would bring him some fried chicken just so he could say he had a birdie.

An Oxford University researcher says that in time, deep seated extreme beliefs may be treated as a mental illness. Which will happen sooner than later for anyone who listens to a speech by Michelle Bachmann.

International scientists are spending $10 Million to create cows that don’t burp. Apparently they decided on the new strategy after spending $5 Million brought absolutely no success in teaching cows how to say “Excuse me.”

The U.S. and China are set to hold talks about cyberspying. At least that’s the word so far from hackers on both sides.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Remember to spread the word about my blog. Hopefully a good word. In the meantime, feel free to keep sending the love!