Thursday, May 09, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Texas Senator Ted Cruz is seeking to ban illegal immigrants from obtaining U.S. citizenship. Which is a pretty interesting solution from a Hispanic man who was born in Canada.

CNN’s Piers Morgan will be the executive producer of a tabloid journalism drama on Starz. Or people could just instead watch CNN.

Nordstrom’s department store will start using people’s smartphones to track their movement through their stores. Which means that customers who turn off their phones in the store are not only being courteous, they are also probably shoplifting.

Nordstrom’s department store will start using people’s smartphones to track their movement through their stores. Which after seeing Nordstrom’s prices usually involves heading right back to the exit.

New York City has unveiled teen sex apps to help kids find where to get birth control and STD screening. That means kids can now use their smartphones to hook up with someone and also deal with the consequences afterwards.

A Reader’s Digest poll has picked Tom Hanks as the most trusted person in the country. People were shocked. Reader’s Digest is still in business?

A Reader’s Digest poll says that people trust TV judges more than they do the Supreme Court. Of course, sometimes it’s hard to make a choice since there are only nine Supreme Court Justices.

A Reader’s Digest poll says that people trust TV judges more than they do the Supreme Court. Apparently people will put their trust more into someone who is beholden to the Nielsen numbers rather than to the U.S. Constitution.

A new app measures smartphone users’ level of happiness. Apparently all it does is check to see who their wireless provider is and gives a depression rating to anyone who uses AT&T.

The U.S. Air Force has stripped 17 officers from the authority to launch nuclear missiles. The question is, do we really need 17 people who have the ability to launch nuclear missiles?

The U.S. Air Force has stripped 17 officers from the authority to launch nuclear missiles. Apparently they were disciplined after playing a drinking game that got us that close to a nuclear attack on Canada.

A 105 year old Texas woman says the secret to her long life is eating bacon. Of course, in Texas bacon is pretty much considered a garnish.

A fan at Wrigley Field died from choking on a hot dog. There hasn’t been that much choking at Wrigley since the Steve Bartman game.

A study says that antibiotics could cure up to 40% of chronic back pain patients. Mostly the ones who get an STD from going to the wrong kind of massage parlor for treatment.

A trend is for more married couples to live separately. Especially where the home has been foreclosed and he likes living in a tent but she prefers the car.

Dennis Rodman says he will ask North Korean leader Kim Jong Un to ask to “Do me a solid” and release an American prisoner. Which means we know know who to put in charge of diplomacy if there is ever an invasion of Earth by space aliens.

The government of Pakistan says energy shortages are prompting a ban on air conditioning during the summer months. Which means if Osama bin Laden was still alive and in Pakistan he would still feel cooler than where he is now.

A French man was killed by a shark on his honeymoon. Which is ironic that he was eaten by a shark at the beginning of his marriage while most men aren’t devoured by the sharks until their marriage is ending.

Syria is blaming a 20 hour shutdown of their Internet on “technical problems.” The technical problem being they are Syria.

Syria is blaming a 20 hour shutdown of their Internet on “technical problems.” Although they say they wish someone had warned them before they signed on with AOL.

A French man has pleaded guilty to fraud in gaining access to a plane’s cockpit at a Philadelphia airport. Apparently he thought if he impersonated a pilot he could get in on all the free drinks served during Happy Hour.

Disney is dropping a bid to trademark the term “Dia de Los Muertos” or “Day of the Dead.” Otherwise known as the day they released “John Carter”.

Dean Jeffries, the man who created the Monkeemobile has died at age 80. The car belongs in a museum. Not because it was on TV, but because it is a Pontiac that is still roadworthy.

A study says that college is a bad bet for some people. Mostly those who can’t get a full scholarship.

A study says that college is a bad bet for some people. Those people are called “recent graduates”.

A study says that the shorter a person’s first name, the more money they make. Apparently the study involved P. Diddy, J.K. Rowling and T. Boone Pickens.

Ferrari says it will limit car sales to keep its image of exclusivity. Which shouldn’t be a problem as most people can’t even come up with a down payment for a gear shift knob.

Ferrari says it will limit car sales to keep its image of exclusivity. If Ferrari is so concerned about their image, they should have probably thought twice about selling one to Justin Bieber to get photographed in every other day.

Coca-Cola says it will stop marketing its products to kids under 12. Apparently they will wait until all their customers’ baby teeth are gone before they start working on rotting away what’s left.

Coca-Cola says it will stop marketing its products to kids under 12. Apparently they got in trouble for promoting a Coke bottle that comes with a nipple attached.

A study has tied high blood pressure in teenagers to higher classroom achievement. Mostly because those are the kids who actually do their homework because they are too fat and out of shape to go outside and play.

Wrigley says it will take its caffeinated gum off the market. Apparently they are worried about threats of legislation on gum control. (Boo!)

Wrigley says it will take its caffeinated gum off the market. How out of shape are we that we need an energy boost just to chew a stick of gum?

A study in Scotland says that sunshine may lower blood pressure and boost heart health. Apparently the study was done on the one day in the year in Scotland where there is actually any sunshine.

A study in Scotland says that sunshine may lower blood pressure and boost heart health. A study on the effects of sunshine in Scotland should be followed by a study about the effects of snow in Florida.

A study says that teens who ordered food at both McDonald’s and Subway ate too many calories. And that was even before they found out there was a Krispy Kreme next door.

A study says that fish oil supplements may not prevent heart trouble as was thought. Especially when the oil from the fish is actual oil from the BP Gulf Spill.

A Deputy Medical Examiner in Los Angeles says that Michael Jackson should have lived a normal life span. Which is the first time that “Michael Jackson” and “normal” have ever been used together in the same sentence.

Justin Bieber is facing charges of battery on a neighbor. The accusation could result in public humiliation, indignity and embarrassment. Not for Bieber, for the neighbor who admits he was beaten up by Bieber.

Lindsay Lohan says she isn’t bisexual anymore. Apparently her fellow inmates may have a few thoughts on that the next time she has to serve some time in jail.

Lindsay Lohan says she isn’t bisexual anymore. Apparently she is just bi-coastal, wears bifocals and is still bi-polar.

Vijay Singh is suing the PGA Tour for subjecting him to “public humiliation and ridicule” over an investigation into his use of deer antler spray. It could have been worse. They could have kept pairing him with John Daly.

Vijay Singh is suing the PGA Tour for subjecting him to “public humiliation and ridicule” over an investigation into his use of deer antler spray. If he didn’t want to be ridiculed and humiliated he shouldn’t go around sneaking up on deer and sniffing their antlers.

A legally blind pole vaulter in Arizona has qualified for the state championship, jumping more than seven feet. Although her seeing eye dog has a bit of a sore throat as she forgot to drop the leash while vaulting.

China is accusing the U.S. of being the “real hacking empire.” Just wait until they see us playing golf.

China is accusing the U.S. of being the “real hacking empire.” Apparently they are just mad that they can’t beat our best players at “Angry Birds”.

3D printed guns could be outlawed in California. How about first outlawing the practice of theaters charging $12 to see a 3D movie?

3D printed guns could be outlawed in California. Apparently lawmakers are trying to crack down on the largest gun manufacturers. Smith & Wesson, Glock and Xerox.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope you think the jokes are funny. What isn’t funny is Cystic Fibrosis. I am hoping you will find it within your hearts to donate what you can to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen. Just click on the Great Strides icon and any amount will be appreciated. If you send the money, I’ll send the love!

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