Wednesday, May 08, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he underwent secret weight loss surgery. Apparently it hasn’t worked all that well or it wouldn’t really be a secret.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he underwent secret weight loss surgery. Apparently it shows that the Republican diet plan doesn’t work. Trim the excess fat through less pork.

The European Commission is going to criminalize all seeds and plants that aren’t registered with the government. Which will be pretty easy to implement in Ireland where they can’t grow anything but potatoes and four leaf clovers.

A poll says that Jimmy Carter is the most trusted politician in the country. Mostly because he hasn’t held public office since 1981.

A poll says that Jimmy Carter is the most trusted politician in the country. All the rest pretty much tied for last.

A study says that antidepressants are linked with an increased risk of developing a deadly superbug infection. That news ought to help them with their depression.

The CIA reportedly pressured the writer of “Zero Dark Thirty” to block torture scenes from the movie. They said if they wanted to depict to the audience what torture is really like, they should just include some scenes from an Adam Sandler movie.

The National Institutes of Health has awarded $400,000 in grant money to develop underwear that detects cigarette smoke. When you need to have underwear to find out if people are smoking, it’s time to show them they are doing it all wrong.

Warren Buffett gave career advice online, telling people to find a job they are passionate about. Of course, that’s easy for him to say as who wouldn’t be passionate about being the world’s richest man?

A study says that distracted driving deaths are underreported. Apparently one sign that has been overlooked is when the person’s cellphone is completely implanted in their face.

The first completely operable 3-D printed gun has been created. The hardest part is having to wear those 3-D movie glasses in order to see what you are shooting at.

A report says that Iran is the worst country for religious freedom. Which is hard to believe since they have such a great track record on everything else.

Regal movie theaters are making it possible for deaf people to watch movies with special glasses that show closed captioning. Although even people who can hear say that Adam Sandler movies are much more enjoyable with the sound off.

A study says that higher levels of homeownership can actually kill jobs. Apparently the homeless are the key to our economic future by creating jobs at soup kitchens, shelters and free clinics.

The U.S. is forecasting lower gasoline prices for the summer. Which means about the same to most people as hearing the price is going down for caviar, diamonds and homes on the French Riviera.

A survey says the jobs outlook is better for new college graduates. Which is great news for those who have gotten their undergraduate degrees in broom pushing, cash registry operations and Slurpee mixology.

Scientists in New Mexico have been using a secret Internet for the past two years. What that means is that the scientists are the only ones in New Mexico who actually know there is an Internet.

The CEO of Blackrock says the government should mandate retirement savings. To which most people are saying, “Right away. We’ll get on that right after we finish paying off the house, dig out of credit card debt and pay for the kids’ college.”

The government says that more than 1,200 people were swindled by a company promising to get them out of credit card debt. It was the worst report of fraud concerning credit debt other than of course, the credit card companies.

A survey says that most Americans say they won’t be able to retire until they are in their 70s or 80s. Or as other Americans call them, “the upper class.”

GM is planning to open a Cadillac factory in China. Which will answer the question of “whatever happened to our economy?” that people will be asking when they put on their Nikes and drive their Cadillac to do some shopping at Wal-Mart.

Vacuum maker Oreck Corporation has filed for bankruptcy. That is the one business where it actually pays to be the one that sucks.

Vacuum maker Oreck Corporation has filed for bankruptcy. Apparently people just don’t need vacuum cleaners to tidy up the tents and cars they are now living in.

The Dow has closed above 15,000 for the first time in history. Which is really great news for people who completely depleted their 401K account in order to save their house which is now worth half what they paid for it.

A study says that sleep problems are linked to an increase risk of prostate cancer. Mostly from being tired from getting up to pee thirty times a night when your prostate is the size of a bowling ball.

A study says that sleep problems are linked to an increase risk of prostate cancer. Mostly from nightmares of your doctor coming at you with a bucket of lubricant while putting on his latex gloves.

A study says that fast food menus today are not much healthier than they were in the past. The same could be said about air pollution, but you don’t see people going around holding their breath.

A poll says that poor health is tied to big losses in productivity for all jobs. The worst part is that when fast food workers are sick and can’t go to work, it’s actually healthier than when they can show up and eat on the job.

Treasury Secretary Jacob Lew has developed a new signature that will be displayed on U.S. currency to replace his usual autograph which is full of loops. Apparently government officials thought his old signature looked like a series of zeroes which would hit a little too close to home with the recent value of the dollar.

Treasury Secretary Jacob Lew has developed a new signature that will be displayed on U.S. currency to replace his usual autograph which is full of loops. In order to restore faith in the value of the dollar, his new signature says “Bill Gates”.

A Nazi themed opera has opened in Germany. The show isn’t over until the mustached man gives a stiff armed salute and sings.

A Nazi themed opera has opened in Germany. The hardest part was getting the dancers to be able to perform the choreography which was done entirely with goose steps.

Tom Cruise has signed on to do another “Mission Impossible” movie. Or as critics call it, the idea of Cruise giving a believable performance.

Former “Teen Mom” star Farrah Abraham’s sex tape crushed the number for record number of views of a sex tape by the old record holder Kim Kardashian. That gives a whole new meaning to the term “box office”.

The ABBA museum has opened in Stockholm, Sweden. Young people will be able to look at all the group’s hit records and ask “What are records?”

Lindsay Lohan has been ordered confined at the Betty Ford Clinic for 90 days. If nothing else, it will give the other people at the clinic a reason to get through their rehab as fast as possible.

Justin Bieber was fined for speeding in Dubai. Apparently his excuse was that his car seat was too tight to let him reach the brake pedal.

A new store called Destination XL has opened for short and stout men. It’s for men whose usual shopping destination is the buffet line.

An expert has testified that Michael Jackson’s doctor is unqualified in many areas. In fact, the only thing he did correctly was pronounce Jackson dead.

Chris Brown’s private jet made an emergency landing in Burbank. Apparently he wanted to show everyone on the ground how you can still be a complete jerk and get to ride around in a private jet.

Special effects pioneer Ray Harryhausen has died at age 92. Apparently he was so good, everyone who knew him swore he was only 35.

Tiger Woods says he wouldn’t have called in a rules violation if he was watching golf on TV at home. Unless it had something to do with the length of the drink cart girl’s skirt being too long.

Hospitals lose an estimated $8.3 Billion a year using old technology. Apparently they need to learn the more modern ways of getting leeches to do bloodletting faster and more efficiently.

78,000 people have reportedly applied to be chosen to go live on Mars forever. Interestingly enough, every one of the applications came with a return address from Cleveland.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Still a few days before the Great Strides Walk for Cystic Fibrosis, so feel free to click on the Great Strides icon on the page and give what you can in the memory of my wife Karen. If you send the money, I’ll send the love!

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