Tuesday, May 07, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A food stamp program has been started for pets of low income families. Although the bad part is the program will only pay for “Kibbles” and not “Bits”.

A food stamp program has been started for pets of low income families. To qualify, families must be only able to afford to buy enough “9 Lives” to keep their cat going through life number 5.

Former Senator Jim DeMint says that immigration reform would be blocked if people read the bill. Political experts were confused. Members of Congress can read?

The FDA wants to put cancer warning signs on tanning beds. Especially at tanning salons that allow people to smoke while they are getting their fake bake.

NASA says that setting foot on Mars is human destiny. Mostly because it was also human destiny to destroy Earth to the point we would have to look to live on another planet.

President Obama gave a graduation speech where he told students to reject voices that warn about government tyranny. He then said they could all have their backpacks back after he was done speaking.

President Obama gave a graduation speech where he told students to reject voices that warn about government tyranny. He said the real tyranny comes from selling their future for a diploma that will barely get them a minimum wage job.

The California Supreme Court ruled that cities may ban marijuana dispensaries through zoning. Mostly by putting them in areas that aren’t zoned for pizzerias, donut shops or convenience stores.

The California Supreme Court ruled that cities may ban marijuana dispensaries through zoning. Mostly by putting them in areas where their customers have to walk or drive more than two minutes to get there.

Pfizer says it will start selling Viagra to customers online. Which will give a whole new meaning to your computer’s hard drive. 

Police in China have seized tons of fake beef that really contained fox, mink and rats. Or as Taco Bell calls that, “close enough”.

Police in China have seized tons of fake beef that really contained fox, mink and rats. How bad is it to be caught making fake meat in a country where dogs and cats have to be careful about walking too close to the kitchen?

Donald Trump plans to open a golf course in Dubai. Although in the Middle East, Trump goes by his Arabic name, “Allah”.

Former Energy Secretary Bill Richardson says that Senator Ted Cruz is not a “real Hispanic”. Which is an interesting charge from someone whose last name is “Richardson”.

Former Energy Secretary Bill Richardson says that Senator Ted Cruz is not a “real Hispanic”. Apparently Richardson never saw the need to exploit his Hispanic heritage by changing his name to “Hijo de Ricardo”.

A restaurant worker in Australia stopped a robbery by throwing a bucket of chili on the robber. If that didn’t work she would have just hit him with a Vegemite sandwich.

The mortician who embalmed Boston Marathon bombing suspect Tamerlan Tsarnev wants help from the White House on what to do with the body. Apparently he is worried about being stiffed with the stiff.

The FDA is warning women about the risk of taking a medicine for migraine headaches while they are pregnant. Of course, headaches are what prevent most women from getting pregnant in the first place.

A survey says that 73% of parents say they have a positive relationship with their adult children. Mostly because the parents think it’s nice to have the kids around while they are living in the basement until they can actually find a job.

A survey says that 73% of parents say they have a positive relationship with their adult children. The children of the other 27% realize their entire inheritance went to pay for their college education.

Wal-Mart has topped the list of the Fortune 500 rankings. The company got back to the top by making several spending cuts. For instance, Walton family members now only light up their cigars with $50 bills.

Wal-Mart has topped the list of the Fortune 500 rankings. The company got back to the top by making several spending cuts. For instance, instead of health insurance for any employees, sick workers now receive a get well card with flowers sent to the mortuary.

A report says that gambling in U.S. casinos went up 4.8%. Apparently people are taking their unemployment checks and trying to parlay them up to a livable wage.

A report says that gambling in U.S. casinos went up 4.8%. Apparently there is almost as much gambling in casinos as their is with banks in the derivatives market.

U.S. colleges are offering average tuition discounts of 45% in order to entice more students to enroll. Mostly because the jobs they can get now with a college degree now only pay 45% of what they used to.

U.S. colleges are offering average tuition discounts of 45% in order to entice more students to enroll. Which means the students will now only have to spend half their life paying off the loans with their minimum wage jobs.

The SEC is suing Harrisburg, Pennsylvania for fraud for misleading people on their financial condition. Apparently people should have become suspicious when the city started writing off Three Mile Island as an excursion to China.

Buffalo Bills defensive end Mario Williams is suing his ex-fiancee for the $785,000 engagement ring he gave her. Apparently he figures now that he is playing for the Bills, that is the only ring he is ever going to have a chance at winning.

A study says that people with health insurance saw their medical costs slow from 2009-2011. Mostly because the insurance companies find it a waste of their resources to worry about the three people who still actually have health care policies.

Meals on Wheels spending cuts are being called a developing crisis. The only bigger crisis involving meals on wheels is the health of people who are in the drive-thru line at McDonald’s.

Dr. Oz is warning companies to stop using his name with their products. He might be taking it a bit too far. He is now asking for royalties from the HBO show “Oz” and a piece of DVD sales of “The Wizard of Oz”.

A UK woman says her breasts grew after she was hypnotized. Which she can now use to put every man she walks by into a hypnotic trance.

A study says that health concerns top the list of retirement worries in the U.S. Mostly because the majority of Americans are worried about what their health will be like when they can finally afford to retire at 90.

Scientists say they have discovered a potential cure for gray hair. It’s called a vasectomy.

A study says that most pediatricians don’t follow ADHD guidelines when treating preschoolers. Mostly because the way to identify a preschooler with ADHD is if they are a preschooler.

A study says that most high school football players would play after receiving a concussion. How else are they going to get a scholarship to college which they can’t get through academics since they already have so many concussions?

A study says that 90% of parents admit to multitasking while they are behind the wheel. Remember when parents’ only multitasking when driving was when your dad threatened to smack you one if you didn’t sit down?

A study says that most men with Erectile Dysfunction don’t seek treatment. Apparently it’s all about the cost. The cost of dating, the cost of divorce and the cost of child support.

The CDC says that most added sugars in the American diet don’t come from soft drinks but from food. How fat are we getting when people are asking for sugar packets with their order of cheeseburgers?

San Francisco is suing Monster energy for marketing their highly caffeinated beverages to children. It is the considered the worst marketing of an unhealthful product in the monster genre since Frankenberry cereal.

A study says that grocery shopping while hungry is not a good idea. Sort of like it not being a good idea to go clothes shopping when you are naked.

A study says that grocery shopping while hungry is not a good idea. Although it is still better for you than going to McDonald’s when you are hungry.

A book claims that Fox News did not shut off Geraldo Rivera’s microphone when he was taking a stance the network didn’t like. Although right after it happened the network’s ratings doubled.

Lindsay Lohan says she lives her life without regrets. Apparently she also lives it without a conscience, common sense or shame.

Margaret Groening, the model for Marge Simpson has died at 94. Which explains where they came up with the idea of giving the character blue hair.

Dodger Stadium will be the site of an NHL match up between the Kings and Ducks. It’s for people who want to go to the ballpark and actually for once get to see some hits.

Tim Tebow has topped the list of Forbes Most Influential Athletes. Which is about like the NFL players picking the most influential businessman as Bernie Madoff.

Tim Tebow has topped the list of Forbes Most Influential Athletes. What’s next, Justin Bieber as Most Influential Musician?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I want to thank all the generous people who have donated to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen. If you like the jokes and would like to make me happy, just click on the Great Strides icon on the page and give what you can. If you send the money, I’ll send the love!

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