Sunday, May 05, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The price of beef has hit a record high. Which means even the bull market has become a bull market.

The price of beef has hit a record high. It has gone up so much, the Dow is being treated for high cholesterol.

The price of beef has hit a record high. Fortunately that won’t affect any of the prices over at Taco Bell.

Three middle school students in Florida were arrested for planning to cause “chaos” at their school. Have you ever been to a middle school? Causing chaos is the definition of attending middle school.

French people are upset that vultures ate the remains of a French tourist who fell off a cliff in the Pyrenees. Not to say the French are snobby, but they are complaining the vultures were drinking white wine when the occasion clearly called for a red.

The U.S. is reporting a record low number of tornadoes in a one year period. The number dropped so much, Tornado Alley has been officially changed to a cul-de-sac.

The FDA is calling a surge of caffeinated foods “disturbing”. Apparently people are getting so fat, they are buying food with weight loss ingredients already added.

The FDA is calling a surge of caffeinated foods “disturbing”. How fat are we getting that we have to have something in the food to keep us from nodding off after a big meal?

A high school track team in Texas was disqualified for “excessive celebration”. That is one penalty that will never be called on the Cleveland Browns.

A new medical test looks at people’s fingers to determine if they could have a heart attack up to seven years in advance. Apparently the people most at risk are the ones whose fingers are holding several pieces of fried chicken.

The CDC says that 80% of Americans don’t exercise enough. The other 20% couldn't even get off the couch to take part in the survey.

New Zealand has released a list of baby names that have been rejected. Included on the list is “Lucifer”. Apparently that was the name chosen by people who didn’t want to go too far over the edge and name their child “Trump”.

A Seattle school gave students the day off because of a rare sunny day. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a bad decision as they lost three of the kids who went outside from spontaneous combustion. 

The California wildfire grew to cover 43 square miles over the weekend. Firefighting crews were having trouble fighting the blaze as California fires will only respond to being put out with Perrier.

Technical problems are raising concerns over giving online standardized tests at schools. The biggest technology problem with those tests is when the students can’t get a signal on their smartphone to cheat and actually get some answers right.

NRA spokesman Wayne LaPierre says his group “will never surrender our guns.” Unless, of course they have them forcibly removed by the NRA for being more than three days late with their membership dues payment.

A pit bull is being credited with saving a New York woman from her burning home. Unfortunately, the house was burning in the first place because firemen were too afraid to go into a house with a pit bull.

A city in Iraq has been named the “Arab Capital of Tourism.” Which is about as big a deal as being picked as the French capital of friendliness and hygiene.

A city in Iraq has been named the “Arab Capital of Tourism.” Apparently it will appeal to people who weren’t able to get reservations in advance for a Somalia Pirate cruise and plundering excursion.

Los Angeles has been named the city with the worst traffic congestion in the U.S., with the 405 Freeway averaging speeds of 14 mph. Which means by comparison, the O.J. Simpson White Bronco chase is now being reclassified as a high speed pursuit.

A report says that law enforcement officials around the country are looking for ways to curb cell phone theft. Except where other people actually encourage it, like in movie theaters, restaurants and health fitness clubs. 

A report says that law enforcement officials around the country are looking for ways to curb cell phone theft. It’s getting so bad, people are carrying around two cell phones just so they can have one to call and report the theft of their other one.

President Obama gave a speech where he said immigration is the key to prosperity. Especially for businesses who want to have the benefits of paying low wages without the expense of outsourcing their operations to another country.

President Obama gave a speech where he said immigration is the key to prosperity. For instance, it helps the auto industry when smugglers have to buy more cars with larger trunks to sneak more people in across the border.

Author Harper Lee is suing to get the rights back to her book, “To Kill A Mockingbird”. The book used to be considered a classic, but now the tale of southern prejudice and racism is pretty much classified as contemporary reading.

Author Harper Lee is suing to get the rights back to her book, “To Kill A Mockingbird”. The book used to be considered a classic, but is now being urged to be banned by PETA.

The proposed Google glass will allow wearers to take pictures by winking. Unfortunately, there’s a problem with the memory card getting filled up in just a few minutes by anyone wearing the glasses who has an eye tick.

New Wal-Mart ads are depicting the store as an “American success story.” It’s heartwarming and patriotic to see you can still make it big in America by hiring undocumented workers and selling goods made in China.

Apple will be giving a $10,000 gift card to the person who buys the 50 Billionth app on iTunes. People are trying to time when the big event will happen so they can have a chance at winning. For only $3.99, you can buy the app for that.

A study says that smoking and being overweight decreases brain function in even younger adults. Which is fine, because if you overeat and smoke enough, it’s not like you’re going to be around long enough to develop Alzheimer's Disease anyway.

A study says that exercise cuts the risk of kidney stones in women. Which is good news for men, who won’t get in trouble for telling a woman to work out to avoid kidney stones like they would for telling them to work out because their behind is too big.

A report says that rat meat was found being sold as lamb in China. Apparently the first clue that a restaurant is serving rat meat instead of lamb is when the leg of lamb you order is two inches long.

A report says that rat meat was found being sold as lamb in China. To which a Taco Bell spokesperson says that rat meat doesn’t even taste like lamb. It actually tastes more like a chicken chalupa.

Studies say that correct posture can make a person feel more reassured and confident. The studies were done by the University of Listen to Your Mother.

A study says that toothbrushes are not as full of germs as previously thought. In fact, In England they seem as though they have just come out of the wrapper and haven’t been used at all.

Al Pacino has reportedly dropped out of the animated feature “Despicable Me 2” because of creative differences. The question is, how can you actually have an artistic conflict with a cartoon?

Sharpshooting artist Tom Knapp has died at age 62. Anti-gun activists immediately were finally able to pry his gun from his cold, dead hands. 

“China Syndrome” writer Mike Gray has died at age 77. He will be buried in a grave that will be dug 200 miles deep.

Mountain Dew has dropped Lil Wayne for some offensive lyrics in one of his songs. Who would have ever thought a rapper might have a mind to put some offensive lyrics in a song?

Mountain Dew has dropped Lil Wayne for some offensive lyrics in one of his songs. Although in truth, the only thing Mountain Dew drinkers ever get offended about is remarks about people who have no teeth.

Charlie Sheen’s kids were taken from the custody of his ex-wife Brooke Mueller. How bad is it when you are considered an unfit parent when compared to Charlie Sheen?

Mike Piazza is performing in a ballet in Miami. He says the difference is that with baseball the only time you will hear the term “tutu” is when you ask the umpire for the count.

Bitcoin ATMs will soon be dispensing the coins. Apparently the Bitcoins will be used to buy products on the Internet, and when the whole system crashes will still be useable as Chuck E. Cheese game tokens.

MIT scientists say they envision a future where talking cars will plan out the driver’s day in advance. Which pretty much will make for a world where no one really needs to graduate from MIT.

Researchers in Israel say that social networks can make people tend towards psychosis and delirium. Apparently the researchers have been following Donald Trump’s Twitter account.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Less than two weeks until the Great Strides Walk for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. I would appreciate all my great readers making a donation, whatever you can spare in the memory of my wife, Karen. Just click on the Great Strides icon on the page and give what you can. If you send the money, I’ll send the love!

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