Thursday, May 30, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A study says that diet soda is just as harmful to teeth as meth and crack cocaine. Apparently that’s how diet soda works. You lose weight from not having any teeth left to chew solid food.

Newsweek magazine is being sold again. It was sold three years ago for $1. It’s like being given a used Chrysler. It sounds like a good deal at the time until you find out what it costs for gas and repairs.

New York City has launched a sex app for teens that gives directions to abortion clinics and how to get birth control. Before that information was only available to kids who had iPhones that came with the feature of “Siri’s slutty friend”.

Justin Bieber is being investigated for driving at high speeds around his neighborhood. Not only that, but apparently he has been seen by himself in the street at night on his Big Wheel.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has sold a drama about bodybuilding to Showtime called “Pump”. At first, the title made it sound like they were getting a documentary about Schwarzenegger and his domestic staff.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has sold a drama about bodybuilding to Showtime called “Pump”. With a title like that from Arnold Schwarzenegger, it would seem like it would be more likely for him to shop it to the Spice Channel.

Britain is planning an IPO to privatize Royal Mail, the country’s postal service which has been around since 1516. People in the U.S. are amazed. It took England’s postal service nearly 500 years to lose enough money before the government wanted to unload it on to someone else.

Hospitals around the country are pushing to have employees wash their hands more often. Usually the hand washing in hospitals doesn’t start until one of the doctors loses a patient.

Scientists at Cornell University are working on a robot that can predict a person’s actions. Which is pretty easy for robots working with Cornell students who can pretty much be expected to be sitting at home alone playing video games on Saturday night.

Scientists at Cornell University are working on a robot that can predict a person’s actions. Which for most people means the robot will pretty much be standing by the refrigerator door ready to open it at any given time.

A study says that 4 in 10 women with kids under 18 are the family’s primary breadwinner. The other 6 are the family’s only breadwinner.

The Kremlin owned network RT has hired Larry King for a political talk show. Apparently he was hired for his thorough knowledge of current events, especially the Bolshevik Revolution.

The Kremlin owned network RT has hired Larry King for a political talk show. Apparently they wanted someone who could talk firsthand about the evils of capitalism, like having to pay alimony to seven ex-wives.

Statistics say the rate of bilingual people who speak both French and English in Canada is declining. Mostly because the ones who want to communicate with Americans now need to also learn Spanish.

A study says that TV and movie characters smoke less than in the 1990s but still drink heavily. The heaviest drinking is done right around ratings time by characters on shows on NBC.

The EPA has cut the number of projected furlough days for its workers. The sequester is just a bandaid. If the government really wants to do away with the national debt, they should just lock members of Congress out of the Capitol for about six months.

New Jersey gas stations are being sued for selling aviation fuel as gasoline. People could tell it was airline fuel because after filling up, cars would sit at the station for three hours before finally going back out on the road.

A report says that dog bites cost insurance companies $489 Million last year. Which explains why homeowner policies are so cheap in neighborhoods where there is a Korean restaurant.

A report says the number of Harvard graduates taking Wall Street jobs is going back up. Although the competition for financial jobs is way up, with so many other college graduates getting first hand experience with high finance with their monthly college tuition loan payments.

A report says that 1.2 Billion people in the world have no access to electricity. No one even knew ComEd had that many customers.

The new health care rules say that companies can tie workers’ insurance premiums to the standards they meet on wellness. Which means that Obamacare will officially make health insurance available to as many as three people.

A study by the CBO says that the richest 20% of Americans will get half of the benefits of tax breaks. Mostly because the bottom 80% get about 1% of the country’s total income.

A study by the CBO says that the richest 20% of Americans will get half of the benefits of tax breaks. The other half they will keep offshore so they don’t pay any taxes at all.

A former Microsoft project manager is planning the first national marijuana company for medicinal pot. He will start the company just as soon as he finishes his project to put the finishing touches on Windows 95.

A former Microsoft project manager is planning the first national marijuana company for medicinal pot. He figures his mission won’t be finished until everyone in the U.S. is high enough to think Bill Gates’ barber is doing a great job.

A free program lets kids report bullying with a text message. Which they can send out as soon as they figure out how to get their cellphone back that the bully threw down the sewer.

Minneapolis/St. Paul has topped the American Fitness Index for the most fit city. In fact, they call it the “Twin Cities” because it takes two of their residents to equal the weight of one average person from another city.

An Afghan man has had a pencil removed from his head after 15 years. Apparently he kept complaining that his head felt like “No. 2”.

A study says the three most common in flight maladies are feeling woozy, wheezy or queasy. And that’s even after the airlines quit serving in flight meals.

A study says the three most common in flight maladies are feeling woozy, wheezy or queasy. No one even knew that many people were smoking pot before flying.

A study says the three most common in flight maladies are feeling woozy, wheezy or queasy. Which are mostly the people who were pulled aside for a TSA strip search.

A study says that most doctors are OK with medical marijuana. Now instead of saying “take two aspirin and call in the morning” they just say to “eat a couple of brownies and chill.”

A study says that one in 600 flights involves a medical emergency. Usually someone passing out from not eating while sitting on a JetBlue flight on a tarmac for three hours.

A study says that one in 600 flights involves a medical emergency. The other 599 are full of passengers who are just tired, frustrated and angry.

Katie Couric says that the “Today” show tried to get her back after she left. After Katie left Ann left, then the viewers left, and now they can’t get Matt to leave.

Katie Couric says that the “Today” show tried to get her back after she left. The ratings for the show are so bad now they have a new segment called “Why in the World Is Matt Still Here?”

Eric Roberts will star in the movie “The Human Centipede III”. Hollywood insiders were surprised. There was a “Human Centipede” one and two?

Courtney Cox has finalized her divorce from David Arquette. Which is going to be rough for him since the only credit listed on his resume is “married to Courtney Cox.”

George Michael has left a hospital after suffering head injuries in a car accident where he was a passenger. Which meant London newspapers had to come up with a headline which didn’t involve him getting hurt while driving or in a public restroom.

Jack Nicklaus says that the dispute between Tiger Woods and Sergio Garcia is “stupid”. Tiger needs to watch out. He could really get hurt by making someone mad enough who actually knows how to swing a 9 iron.

Golfer Adam Scott has hired a lawyer over the USGA’s ruling on anchored putters. Now with golfers having legal counsel along with psychologists and swing coaches, they barely have enough room left in their entourage for the guy who carries the clubs.

An NCAA athlete was punished for using university water to wash their car. How else are they supposed to keep the new Jaguar the alumni association gave them clean?

A study says that one in ten job applicants age 16-34 have been rejected because of a post they made on social media. The other nine were rejected because there weren’t any jobs available anyway.

A study says that one in ten job applicants age 16-34 have been rejected because of a post they made on social media. Mostly the post they were making in the middle of their job interview.

NASDAQ has been fined $10 Million for “poor systems and decision making” in regards to the failed Facebook IPO. The only poorer decision anyone made over the IPO was actually buying some of the stock.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for reading the jokes. Feel free to comment or send me an e-mail any time. Pick any way you like to get in touch, just make sure you do it to send the love!


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