Friday, May 03, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A high school in Arizona has caused controversy by holding a “Redneck Day”. Or as they call that in Alabama, “Tuesday”.

A Connecticut man is being accused of stealing $10,000 worth of chicken wings from his work. Apparently he works for the military because he listed his supervisor as “The Colonel”.

A Connecticut man is being accused of stealing $10,000 worth of chicken wings from his work. His bail has been set intentionally high to prevent him from flying the coop.

Researchers say that physical examinations at home by using a smart phone may be possible in the future. Although they still haven’t figured out what to do with the phone after the prostate exam.

The government is considering banning a key ingredient from antibacterial soap. Which could affect as many as three people in Mississippi.

The government is considering banning a key ingredient from antibacterial soap. Of course, once the controversy starts they will just try to wash their hands of it.

Al Jazeera is opening a bureau in Detroit. Apparently they want to show their viewers in the Middle East that things could be worse.

A poll says that 29% of Americans believe an armed revolt against the government will be necessary in the next few years. The other 71% wouldn’t come out of their bunkers to take the survey.

A poll says that 29% of Americans believe an armed revolt against the government will be necessary in the next few years. Ironically, the ones who support armed rebellion the most are the same people who were able to get out of the draft during Vietnam.

Lindsay Lohan has upset prosecutors by checking into an unlicensed rehab center in California as part of her probation for drunk driving. This wouldn’t be an issue if Lohan was the one the state wouldn’t give a license to.

The American auto industry had its best performance in 20 years. Apparently it’s taken people that long just to get over the Chevy Chevette.

Pope Francis tweeted about unemployment resulting from corporate greed. The Catholic Church on the other hand, doesn’t fire its priests even after they cost the Church millions of dollars in legal settlements.

A study says the Internet boosts marriage rates. Mostly because of all the single people who are dating online after getting divorced because of what they were doing on the Internet.

A study says the Internet boosts marriage rates. Although many people who have met on Myspace need to wait a few years until their fiancee is old enough to get married.

The U.N. wants a moratorium on killer robots. Apparently someone was watching the Sci-Fi Channel when they thought they had it turned to CNN.

The U.S. says that Afghan troops are ready to defend their country. Which basically means we invaded their country to teach them how to fight against an invasion.

The IMF says the Afghan government is facing a cash crisis. Apparently their treasury went and blew the $37 they had saved for an emergency.

The IMF says the Afghan government is facing a cash crisis. To which the U.S. is telling them there’s no need to worry, we owe about ten times what their entire country is worth.

The Governor of Maryland has signed a repeal of the death penalty. Which has upset death row inmates who say the death penalty is a lot more appealing than serving out a life sentence in Maryland.

Warren Buffett says that women are the key to American prosperity. Mostly because as a business owner he knows he can get away with paying them a lot less than men.

A New York woman is suing a makeup company for false advertising. Apparently the woman figured something was wrong when she kept getting job offers from Barnum and Bailey.

A New York woman is suing a makeup company for false advertising. To which Steven Tyler is saying “Tell me about it.”

A New York woman is suing a makeup company for false advertising. What some people don’t realize is that even if the people of Newark all paint their homes, they are still living in Newark.

Google Chairman Eric Schmidt says that Youtube has already defeated TV. That’s not true. Network executives destroyed television long before Youtube came around.

Google Chairman Eric Schmidt says that Youtube has already defeated TV. After all, where else can you watch videos of cats playing the piano and hamsters eating a cracker any time you want?

The operator of Sears portrait studios has filed for bankruptcy. Mostly because who wants everyone to see that they shop at Sears?

A California initiative is mailing free condoms to teenagers. The only problem is by the time the Post Office actually delivers them, they will be using them like balloons to entertain their three children.

The CDC says that Americans get 13% of their calories from added sugar. The other 87% is fat, salt and food coloring.

A study says that allergies are rising in the U.S., particularly for children of the wealthy. Apparently, like their parents they become sick at the idea of being around poor people.

A study says that brain scans may reveal which children will become future psychopaths. Or they could just look to see which ones had their own show on The Disney Channel.

Researchers have found toxic metals that are potential cancer risks in several brands of lipstick and lip gloss. To which most women are saying “What’s the point of living with lips that are thin and pale?”

Researchers have found toxic metals that are potential cancer risks in several brands of lipstick and lip gloss. With his breakup with Julianne Hough and poor ratings for “American Idol”, this is more news Ryan Seacrest didn’t need to hear.

A study says that air pollution is being linked to heart disease. In fact, it’s so bad in L.A. that smokers are the healthiest people since their cigarette smoke helps keep the smog out of their lungs.

The CDC says that the suicide rate has gone up in the past decade in the U.S., mostly for middle age people. It is really putting the “Boom” back in Baby Boomer.

The CDC says that the suicide rate has gone up in the past decade in the U.S., mostly for middle age people. Apparently the highest risk is in rural areas where there is no cable access and the only available channel is NBC.

A poll says that American centenarians have no regrets. What are they supposed to say, that they wish they had died younger?

A poll says that American centenarians have no regrets. It would be hard to come up with something you would have done differently when you have made it past 100.

A formerly obese dachshund named Obie had surgery to remove excess skin. It’s nice to see there are 40 Million Americans without health insurance but we make sure our dogs can get the necessary cosmetic surgery they need.

Katy Perry’s preacher father calls her a “devil child” in his sermons. Does he realize the implication there?

Katy Perry’s preacher father calls her a “devil child” in his sermons. It’s just a good thing he didn’t have Lindsay Lohan for a daughter.

Joey Lawrence in an interview gave Justin Bieber advice on how to handle growing up in the spotlight. Apparently he had some really good suggestions for how to eventually disappear without a trace.

Joey Lawrence in an interview gave Justin Bieber advice on how to handle growing up in the spotlight. Unfortunately, he is about six months too late.

FHM magazine has chosen Mila Kunis as the Sexiest Woman in the World. She was also picked as the “perfect girlfriend”, which for FHM readers means anyone who would actually be willing to be their girlfriend.

A rare working Apple I computer will be up for auction later this month. In what could be an even bigger find, there will be an auction for a rare working model of a netbook.

A study says that today’s teenagers are more materialistic and less likely to work hard. The study was apparently done by everyone’s grandfather.

A study says that today’s teenagers are more materialistic and less likely to work hard. Why not? It worked out fine for the cast of “Jersey Shore”.

A study says that people who live in rich countries are happier than those who live in poor countries. Which explains why the number of people on antidepressants in the U.S. has gone up so much in the past few years.

A study says that people who live in rich countries are happier than those who live in poor countries. The study was done at the University of No Kidding.

A study says that driving with your pet in the car increases the risk of crashing. Especially when you ask your poodle to take the wheel while you send out a few texts.

Facebook says it may stop allowing videos of people being beheaded. Is that really an issue? Remember when the only thing you had to worry about on Facebook was being photographed either drunk or naked?

Facebook says it may stop allowing videos of people being beheaded. Isn’t this the same site that bans people for using a phony name?

Facebook says it may stop allowing videos of people being beheaded. Until then the Winklevoss twins are reportedly going into hiding.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Time is running out, the Great Strides Walk for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation is on May 18th. I am asking all of you to donate what you can in the memory of my wife, Karen. Just click on the Great Strides icon on the page and give whatever you can. If you send the money, I’ll send the love!

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