Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The federal government has posted 27,000 job openings during the sequester. If it really wants to fix the economy, they need to just hire replacements for the 535 people in Congress who created this whole mess.

Nike is cutting its ties with Lance Armstrong’s Livestrong. How bad is it when the company that stuck by Tiger Woods and Michael Vick says you don’t measure up to their standards?

A report says that eyelid lift surgery for Medicare patients is costing the government millions of dollars. Apparently their eyelids are’t really droopy, the seniors are just keeping them closed so they can’t see the totals on their medical bills.

Cuba is preparing to open public Internet salons across the island. Cubans were excited at the news. “What’s the Internet?”

Cuba is preparing to open public Internet salons across the island. Cubans will now have the chance to log on to any of the five approved government web sites that are available at any time.

A report says that 20% of all of the actions Congress takes is naming Post Office branches. Apparently they are in a hurry to name all the offices before their lack of action forces all those offices to shut down.

The Vatican says that 100,000 Christians are killed for their faith each year. Which almost equals the number of Catholics who are molested for their faith every year.

A North Carolina couple went to Hawaii so their baby could be born in a dolphin assisted birth. How bad is your HMO when it specifies that instead of doctors, births are to be overseen by performing aquatic mammals?

A North Carolina couple went to Hawaii so their baby could be born in a dolphin assisted birth. Apparently their health insurance plan only covers birth cost coverage of three buckets of fish.

The Secret Service has busted a $6 Billion money laundering scheme. Ironically, the Secret Service is part of the Treasury Department which keeps printing worthless money without anyone saying a word.

The Secret Service has busted a $6 Billion money laundering scheme. That will teach them for trying to launder money without first registering as a bank.

The cruise ship industry has adopted a passengers’ bill of rights. Which means conservatives will take that to mean they can take all the guns they want when they go on a cruise.

The cruise ship industry has adopted a passengers’ bill of rights. To which Carnival says once they get out twelve miles into international waters, they have the right to become a floating Guantanamo Bay.

The federal government is objecting to American Airlines’ $20 Million proposed severance package for their CEO. The airline says not to worry, they will pay for it with the new $50 restroom fee for passengers on all American flights.

A study says that countries with the highest wealth inequality have the biggest tax cuts for the rich. Who says the U.S. still doesn’t lead the world in economic innovation?

LeBron James is seeking several student interns to work on his website. Applicants must be enrolled in college, available ten hours a week and know how to spell 
H-O-R-S-E.

LeBron James is seeking several student interns to work on his website. Applicants must be enrolled in college, available ten hours a week and not flop on the ground when he runs into them.

A study says that sales of tablets will top those of laptops this year. Apparently it has come down to people only buying electronic equipment if they can take a picture with it.

UC Santa Cruz is offering a Master’s degree in playable media. Students can take the courses in person or online from their parents’ basement.

UC Santa Cruz is offering a Master’s degree in playable media. Now it is becoming a little more apparent where they came up with the school’s nickname, the banana slugs.

A study says that the U.S. is the only advanced economy without required vacation and holiday pay. Of course, in this economy most everyone is considered to be on permanent holiday or vacation anyway.

A study says that the U.S. is the only advanced economy without required vacation and holiday pay. Most people who still have jobs in the U.S. only ask for one holiday off anyway. Cinco de Mayo.

News Corp, the parent company of Fox News Channel is promising relentless cuts at all its newspapers. The first thing that will be cut are all those unnecessary and annoying fact checkers.

Americans are more hopeful about the economy now than they have been at any time in the past five years. Which means the entire country now knows what it feels like to be a Cubs fan.

A study says that more than a dozen kids have been sickened by medicinal marijuana in Colorado after getting into their grandparents’ stash. Remember when the greatest fear of going to grandma’s was getting a sloppy kiss and ribbon candy?

A study says that genes play a big role in how long babies sleep at night. Until now it was thought to be an inverse ratio as to how badly their parents need some sleep.

The world’s last man born in the 19th century has turned 116 in Japan. His only complaint is that he is lonely sometimes since he has always liked dating older women.

The world’s last man born in the 19th century has turned 116 in Japan. When you reach his age, older women aren’t known as “cougars”. At that point they are pretty much saber tooth tigers.

A study says that wrinkles make people’s faces look sad and mad. Of course you would be sad and mad, too if your face were full of wrinkles.

A study says that wrinkles make people’s faces look sad and mad. Of course, people without wrinkles look happy because the Botox treatments have paralyzed their face into a perpetual smile.

A study says that patients who delegate medical decisions to their doctors have shorter hospital stays and spend less money. Mostly because their doctors know exactly when their patients are about to run out of medical insurance before they send them home.

Rick Springfield is set to publish his first novel, “Magnificent Vibrations”. Not to say the rocker is getting old, but the only magnificent vibrations he gets any more come from his Craftmatic adjustable bed.

Hansen is coming out with their own brand of beer called Mmmhops. So now we know what to expect from Justin Bieber when 2030 rolls around.

A Japanese man won’t have to pay the entire $54,000 bill his 16 year old son ran up at a bar with his credit card. The son says he has learned his lesson, not to go out on any more dates with Lindsay Lohan.

People are claiming a billboard for a Penney’s teapot looks like Hitler. It was thought to just be a coincidence until another ad for a billboard for a toaster had an eerie resemblance to Mussolini.

Members of Congress are urging the Washington Redskins to change their name. If they are going to endorse blatant racism they should become the Alabama Redskins.

Scientists have captured the first photo of the inside of a hydrogen atom. The worst part is that it was caught doing a fish face for a Facebook post.

Researchers say the Antarctic ecosystem is 33.6 Million years old. Which means all the species there are now old enough to start thinking about moving to Florida.

A survey says that Americans spend an average of 58 minutes a day on their smartphones. Apparently the other 23 hours and two minutes are spend on their iPod, iPad and desktop.

A survey says that Americans spend an average of 58 minutes a day on their smartphones. Of course, that doesn’t include the time they are on their smartphone in the bathroom, at work or while driving.

New York’s highest court will decide who can tap into Starbucks tip jars. The real question is who has enough money left over for a tip after shelling out for a large mocha latte?

Donald Trump is reportedly spending $1 Million researching a 2016 run for president. Apparently by sending that much money, the research company will come back with a softer answer as to why not to run other than “Because everyone hates you.”

The ratings for the IRS have fallen to 60% unfavorable since the recent scandal involving the administration. Or as Congress calls 60% disapproval ratings, “a pipe dream.”

The U.S. has been chosen as the 6th happiest place on Earth out of 36 countries. Apparently the rankings were based on the longest distance from the Middle East.

Courtney Love told Amanda Bynes she needs to “pull it together.” If that isn’t the very definition of “scared straight” than who knows what it is?

Courtney Love told Amanda Bynes she needs to “pull it together.” Even Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton never did anything bad enough to get that sort of intervention.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for continuing to read my jokes. Just make sure you tell your friends to check out the blog as well. Help me with my goal of getting 7 Billion readers a day. As opposed to 7. Well, you have to start somewhere. At least remember to take some time to send the love!

1 comment:

Sam said...

Another good set, Jim!