Friday, May 24, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The Memorial Day Weekend is here. That is when we take time to pay tribute to all the people who have died in traffic over past Memorial Day Weekends.

A report says that outgoing L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is leaving office broke and looking for work. In other words he truly is one politician who can relate to the people he represents.

A report says that outgoing L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is leaving office broke and looking for work. No one even knew he was one of the investors who bought the Dodgers.

A Queens, New York man was reportedly kidnapped and held for a month while being tortured. Apparently his abductors made him sit in their box seats and watch several Mets games.

Fox says its reality office show "Does Someone Have To Go?" is not evil. They said they were already beaten to the punch with an evil reality office show with "Celebrity Apprentice".

A Pennsylvania couple are being accused of stabbing each other during an argument about which contestant they liked on "American Idol". That's what happens when the singers are flat and the knives are sharp.

A U.N. investigator is seeking a moratorium on "killer robots". Either that or he needs to stop watching late night showings of "The Terminator".

Some employers are offering "skinny" coverage that cover very little to avoid being fined 
under Obamacare. Although if more of their employees were actually skinny, they wouldn't need as much health insurance in the first place.

Pope Francis I says that atheists can be good. Apparently he can understand being a non-believer way more than someone who is a Belieber.

Pope Francis I says that atheists can be good. After all, atheist are just people who have turned in their Rosary beads in favor of Mardi Gras beads.

Hurricane forecasters are warning there could be as many as six major hurricanes this season. If the forecasters were really concerned about disasters, they would forget the storms and tell us when BP is starting to drill nearby.

A study says that cockroaches have evolved to avoid sweetened poison. In other words, the one place that is roach free is a Krispy Kreme shop.

An investigation in New Jersey says that a bar was selling caramel colored rubbing alcohol as Scotch. Otherwise known as Scotch.

An investigation in New Jersey says that a bar was selling caramel colored rubbing alcohol as Scotch. Or as they call that in New Jersey, “the good stuff”.

An investigation in New Jersey says that a bar was selling caramel colored rubbing alcohol as Scotch. Apparently the bar never got the word that Prohibition has ended.

A poll says that three out of four Americans plan to work past retirement age. The good news is that they will live a long life as retirement age for most people is now 87.

A poll says that three out of four Americans plan to work past retirement age. The only trick is finding a job that will let them work past 50.

McDonald’s is giving the Cleveland kidnapping hero free food for a year. If McDonald’s really wanted justice served in this case, they would feed the kidnapper for a year.

McDonald’s is giving the Cleveland kidnapping hero free food for a year. Not only that, but at the end of the year they will also pay for his embalming.

California unveiled insurance costs under the Obama Health Care Plan. A typical 25 year old will be able to pay less than $200 a month for a bare bones plan. Which means the coverage will ensure that after a year all that will be left are the person’s bare bones.

A commodities trader is suing BP, Royal Dutch Shell and other oil companies for secretly fixing prices. The oil companies were shocked at the charges. There was nothing secret about it.

A commodities trader is suing BP, Royal Dutch Shell and other oil companies for secretly fixing prices. Otherwise known as “Tuesday”.

Snapple co-founder Leonard Marsh has died at age 80. His remains will be “stuffed as best they can into the Earth.”

AT&T is adding a 61 cent a month administrative fee to all wireless users’ bills. Apparently it is to pay for the extra administrators needed to handle all the complaints from customers about never having any cell service.

An 87 year old Illinois woman has lost her civil suit against Donald Trump. She would have had a lot more luck with a jury by claiming an insanity defense for buying anything from Donald Trump.

An 87 year old Illinois woman has lost her civil suit against Donald Trump. The case proves that justice is blind. Although not quite as blind as Trump’s hair stylist.

A professor at the New School in New York City offered a workshop in writing a suicide letter. Apparently it was to prepare students for when they got their tuition bill.

A professor at the New School in New York City offered a workshop in writing a suicide letter. The course was filled up almost immediately when word about the course got out to campus Mets fans.

The CDC says that the teen birth rate has dropped in most states. Which means that signups for this year’s cast of “Teen Mom” has already been closed.

A study says that too few kids are using available fast food calorie information in making their choices. Mostly because if they did, they wouldn’t be eating at fast food restaurants.

A study says that most fungi are found on people’s feet. The way to tell when a person needs to do something about foot fungus is when they actually start harvesting the mushroom crop growing between their toes.

A report says that physical education should be made a “core” course at schools. Mostly because most kids’ core is pretty much surrounded by several layers of fat.

A study says that frequent heartburn raises the risk of throat cancer by 80%. Which is just more bad news for Los Angeles Clippers fans.

A study says that frequent heartburn raises the risk of throat cancer by 80%. What’s worse is that most heartburn is the result of getting the bill from your throat doctor.

A study says that people with high IQs have the ability to recognize and filter out useless information faster than other people. Which means they wouldn’t have even read the study in the first place.

Surgeons in Florida have removed a four pound hairball from the stomach of a 400 pound tiger. It was the largest cause of irritation for any tiger since Sergio Garcia.

The Boy Scouts of America have voted to end the ban on admitting gay scouts. If they didn’t want gay scouts, they shouldn’t have had traditions that include khaki uniforms, kerchiefs, and sashes.

“The X Factor” is reportedly considering a reunion of “American Idol” judges Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson. These talent shows are so much about the judges that the next move will be to get rid of the contestants.

A Rolling Stones exhibit is opening in Cleveland. Archaeologists were excited about seeing some of the relics, mostly the Rolling Stones themselves.

Authorities suspect that rapper Tim Dog may have faked his own death. If a rapper really wanted to be dead, why not just wait a few days?

Model Katherine Webb says she is on a 1,120 calorie a day diet. Otherwise known as fasting.

Model Katherine Webb says she is on a 1,120 calorie a day diet. Apparently she was shocked to see a picture of herself where all her ribs were not visible.

Model Katherine Webb says she is on a 1,120 calorie a day diet. Or as other models call 1,120 calories a day, “pigging out.”

Mary J. Blige is facing $3.4 Million in federal tax liens in New Jersey. How do celebrities get millions of dollars in debt to the IRS? Let’s see what happens when you try to short them ten cents on your federal return next year.

Jimmy Connors says he bet $1 Million on himself against Martina Navratilova in their 1992 Battle of the Sexes. At least he thinks he did. He told his bookie to put the money on the man with the funny haircut.

A working model Apple I computer will be auctioned in Germany for an expected $400,000. Of course, as with all Apple products that means the real price will be jacked up to $550,000.

A rare working model Apple I computer will be auctioned in Germany for an expected $400,000. Also up for bid will be an even rarer working model of a Dell laptop.

Ashton Kutcher says that Facebook is the new religion. Apparently he came to that conclusion when he saw Mark Zuckerberg riding around in his own Popemobile.

Ashton Kutcher says that Facebook is the new religion. If anyone knows about the power of a higher being, it is the person who still has an acting career following “Dude, Where’s My Car?”

Scientists say they have figured out the strain of potato blight that caused the Irish potato famine in the mid 19th century. Ironically, the famine killed a million people which is nothing compared to all the people who are dying now from being able to eat all the French fries they want.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is the Memorial Day Weekend, when summer unofficially begins, pools are open and the Dodgers are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. That’s OK, there are still the Lakers and Raiders and...oh, never mind. Hope you all have a safe weekend. I will be posting again on Tuesday. Take some time to remember our soldiers and if you have a few seconds left after that, make sure to always send the love!

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