Thursday, May 23, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A report says that Chinese investment in the U.S. is at an all-time high. You know it’s getting a little too high when someone stops you on the street and asks if you have change for a yuan.

A study says that a low calorie diet protects brain cells. How fat are we getting when even our brain cells don’t have enough space to survive?

A study says that a low calorie diet protects brain cells. Which explains why fast food restaurants now have displays in the drive-thru lines which total up the cost of your meal for you.

Disgraced congressman Anthony Weiner announced his candidacy for New York City Mayor on a video posted on Youtube. Apparently his consultants convinced him it wouldn’t be a good idea to do it through Twitter.

Scientists say that Neanderthal mothers breast fed their babies for seven months, the same average as modern mothers. Not only that, but Neanderthal kids had about the same level of brain development as modern children thanks to video games.

A report says that two year colleges are getting a smaller share of government spending. Of course, thanks to the declining test scores along with an increasing use of video games, most two year colleges have turned into four year colleges.

Pig farms in Washington State are experimenting with feeding pigs using the left over product from legalized marijuana farm crops. Which gives a whole new meaning to the term “pot roast”.

Pig farms in Washington State are experimenting with feeding pigs using the left over product from legalized marijuana farm crops. Which for stoners having marijuana already inside the food is called "one stop shopping."

Commerce Department nominee Penny Pritzker understated her wealth by $80 Million. Which is a strange coincidence to have someone named “Penny” who has no idea what one is.

Commerce Department nominee Penny Pritzker understated her wealth by $80 Million. That should make it easy to get along with the businesses she will oversee like Apple who somehow forgot to pay taxes on $45 Billion they have stashed overseas.

The Auto Club of Southern California is cutting its car insurance rates. Which is great news for all the people who are paying insurance premiums on cars they can’t afford to drive with $4 a gallon gasoline.

A convenience store cashier in Missouri sold herself a winning $1 Million Powerball ticket. Which means she can now afford a lifestyle that will let her work at a convenience store in California.

A pizza delivery program has made the world’s largest pizza delivery, sending 30,000 pizzas to soldiers in Afghanistan. What’s worse is that the pizzas had a guarantee of being free if the war didn’t end in under ten years.

A pizza delivery program has made the world’s largest pizza delivery, sending 30,000 pizzas to soldiers in Afghanistan. Of course, that record will fall any day now that marijuana has been legalized in Washington and Colorado.

New Jersey officials are wrapping up “Operation Swill” which cracked down on bars serving cheap substitute liquor. The name was confusing to some people who thought it meant lunch time for Governor Chris Christie.

An election to fluoridate water in Portland, Oregon fell by a 20% margin with voters. The vote was followed by an invitation for Portland to become sister city to Macon, Georgia.

Ford and Chrysler are planning to skip their traditional two week summer shutdown to ramp up production. Chrysler needs to keep up with the demand for cars to replace the 2011 models that have already worn out.

The cicada index is good news for Wall Street investors. When the insects’ life cycle comes around every 17 years, the market goes up an average of 21%. The insects were supposed to come out last year but decided to keep their average up by holding off until after the Facebook IPO.

Microsoft says it will hire several thousand workers for operations in China. Which means the Gates Foundation will now have even more money to start soup kitchens for all the unemployed people in the U.S.

U.S. chemical safety laws will get their first overhaul in 37 years. Which could be bad news for anyone who has a lot of recipes that depend on Velveeta.

Sergio Garcia was criticized for saying he would get together with Tiger Woods and feed him fried chicken. To which Fuzzy Zoeller said to Sergio “Tag, you’re it!”

Sergio Garcia was criticized for saying he would get together with Tiger Woods and feed him fried chicken. He wasn’t being racist, he knows the only way he will ever beat Woods is to get his fingers so full of grease he won’t be able to hold onto the club.

Sales of previously owned homes are at a three year high. Thanks to the people who bought those homes with subprime mortgages four years ago.

Twitter has added verification features for more security for their users. The only thing that can’t be verified is anything that someone posts on Twitter.

Twitter has added verification features for more security for their users. To which Anthony Weiner is asking if there is a feature to stop people from making career ending tweets.

Tesla Motors has paid back its federal loan of $465 Million nine years early. To which Wall Street banks are saying “You’re supposed to pay those back?”

Jennifer Lopez is opening a string of cellphone stores with Verizon products. Security experts are worried about the potential of the business to encourage cellphone bombs, like when someone uses their smartphone to download “Gigli”.

A study says that antidepressants may help some heart patients. At least when they get the bill from their cardiologist.

Scientists have identified a compound that may block cocaine addiction. Apparently it is a clothespin strategically placed on the nose.

A study says that people who have migraines along with depression have smaller brains. Apparently they get depressed from having migraines from having to think so much harder from having a small brain.

A study says that people who have migraines along with depression have smaller brains. Which explains why sales of Tylenol and Prozac are up so high in Texas.

Reality TV star Jesse James lost part of his finger in a shop accident. Apparently it happened while he was trying to pry off his wedding ring before his girlfriend came over.

Sharon Osbourne has written a children’s book. What’s even better is that she had it translated into infant gibberish by having Ozzy read it aloud.

Vince Vaughn’s new movie “Delivery Man” is about a man who has fathered 500 children. The working title was “The Shawn Kemp Story.”

O.J. Simpson’s former girlfriend Christine Prody says she believes he committed the murders he was accused of. It took her nearly 20 years to figure that out? Apparently O.J. was actually dating the one person too dumb to be on his jury.

NASA will fund the world’s first 3D food printer. The only problem is that the first few tests of the printer had reviews that said the food was “flavorful and fresh, with just a proper hint of toner.”

NASA will fund the world’s first 3D food printer. Which makes it so easy when someone is ready to order and they say “I’ll have what he’s having.”

NASA will fund the world’s first 3D food printer. Which sounds convenient, but who wants to eat something that came from the same place as the menu?

A report says that amphibians are dying off at an alarming rate. Which means when someone says they hear a frog croaking, they are really hearing a frog croaking.

Wal-Mart will start sending automated shopping lists to mobile apps based on people’s buying habits. Which will all consist of a shotgun, flannel shirts and a twelve gallon jar of pickles.

The median pay of CEOs in the U.S. went up 6.5% to $9.7 Million last year. They earn the money as they know more about how their business operates than anyone else. Until they are called to testify before Congress.

New IRS Chief Daniel Werfel says the agency needs to repair its public trust. The only question is, when has anyone ever trusted the IRS?

Eric Garcetti has been elected the new Mayor of Los Angeles. Only 19.2% of voters cast ballots. Apparently Dodger fans aren’t the only ones who show up in the third inning and leave by the sixth.

A former Miss American may take on Mitch McConnell for a run at Kentucky Senator. The only thing voters are really worried about is if it comes down to a swimsuit competition.

A study says that a house with a dog has more bacteria than those without dogs. Which is no big deal because the same thing can be said about homes with men.

A new engagement ring lights up when the person’s fiancee is nearby. Now men are wondering if someone can make a ring that sets off a siren when their wife is coming home.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This weekend is Memorial Day Weekend, when summer unofficially starts. In Syracuse, NY summer doesn’t start until July 4th. Which is coincidentally the same day it ends. Hope you all have big plans for the holiday weekend. Just save at least a little time to send the love!

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