Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Some school curriculum in Texas was dropped after some parents complained it was “anti-American.” Of course, in Texas anything is considered anti-American if it isn’t about Texas.

Cuba has lifted its ban against some large energy eating appliances like air conditioners and microwaves. To which Cubans are saying “What are air conditioners and microwaves?”

Senate investigators say that Apple avoided paying taxes on $44 Billion by keeping it overseas. Now it’s getting to the point where corporations are even outsourcing their cash.

CBS won the 2012-2013 broadcast season with viewers age 18-49, beating Fox’s eight year hold on the title. Entertainment experts were shocked. CBS has viewers younger than 80?

China is probing rice that was found to be tainted with the chemical cadmium. Investigators want to know how cadmium ended up in rice instead of where it was supposed to end up, in baby formula, dry wall and children’s toys.

China is probing rice that was found to be tainted with the chemical cadmium. Apparently the manufacturer says the company was concerned about people being able to meet the minimum daily requirement for heavy metals.

Apple CEO Tim Cook denies that the company is avoiding taxes. He says their offshore business interests are more to avoid paying anyone a decent salary.

The latest version of the “Psychiatric Bible” addresses grief, binge eating and drinking. Which means being a college student is now officially classified as a mental disorder.

The Vatican is denying that Pope Francis performed an exorcism on a man in St. Peter’s Square. Official say if the Pope really wanted to perform an exorcism he would arrange an audience with Donald Trump.

NFL owners have picked San Francisco to host the 50th Super Bowl. The only question is will the fans be able to handle an entire half time show by the Village People?

NFL owners have picked San Francisco to host the 50th Super Bowl. Or as Raiders fans are saying, “So close, and yet so far.”

President Obama says that journalists should not be prosecuted for soliciting information. Apparently they should be more like Fox News and just make everything up.

A poll says that 60% of Americans say that Congress is focused on things that are not important to them. Many people were shocked at the results. Congress is focused?

Three former Ford executives are charged in connection with Argentine torture cases in the 1970s. Apparently they actually forced the victims to drive around in Ford Pintos.

A poll says that more Americans say the economy is getting better than those who say it is getting worse. Mostly because everyone is just assuming there is no way it could ever get any worse.

A 91 year old Ohio man has raised enough money to buy back his home and keep from being evicted by his own daughter. People were shocked at the behavior of the man’s daughter. Who does she think she is, a bank?

A poll says that pensions are the top income source for most wealthy retirees. The only other source of income from people who were actually able to retire is inheritance or lottery.

A study says that election officials are biased against Latino voters. Mostly because people who run polling locations aren’t used to seeing anyone vote who isn’t white and over 80.

Carnival Cruise Lines stock has fallen the most in 16 months. Now investors can enjoy the same sinking feeling usually reserved for their passengers.

New Pay Pal services that can be used while shopping and dining may make wallets obsolete for some people. Now the only way to weasel out of paying a restaurant tab is to conveniently forget your cellphone.

New Pay Pal services that can be used while shopping and dining may make wallets obsolete for some people. Although some people are concerned about what they will do without the ability to talk or text for the thirty seconds it takes to pay a bill.

Apple CEO Tim Cook defended his company’s tax practices to Senators. Apparently the Senators were frustrated in wishing there was just some way they could actually acquire the power to change the tax code and make companies pay their fair share.

ESPN has announced they are laying off several hundred employees. Apparently they are dropping much of their secondary sports programming in order to just have camera crews follow around Tiger Woods and Sergio Garcia to listen to them sniping at each other.

ESPN has announced they are laying off several hundred employees that could result in less programming. Which is bad news for people who have become addicted to archery, horseshoe pitching and bodybuilding competitions.

A study says that Emergency Rooms account for half of all hospital admissions. And vice versa.

A study says that Emergency Rooms account for half of all hospital admissions. The other half are from people who still think they can make their own “Jackass” movies.

A new app helps people who are preparing for a colonoscopy. Users are advised to not install the app on a phone they expect to keep around much longer after they are done.

A study says that painkillers do not cause asthma in some people as was previously thought. If you are finding your air passages clogged after taking painkillers you might just want to try not jamming so many into your mouth at once.

A study says that health literature is too complex for most patients to grasp. Which makes sense since the instructions for baby aspirin are too complex for most patients to grasp.

A study says that health literature is too complex for most patients to grasp. Mostly because these are the same people who can’t figure out how to even open their pill bottles in the first place.

A study says that health literature is too complex for most patients to grasp. Which is why doctors are always courteous and make sure when they send out their bills, the amount the patient has to pay is always very clearly labeled.

A study says that schoolmates of suicide victims are at a higher risk themselves. Which means when their mother asks “If Johnny jumps off a bridge, would you follow?” the answer might be yes.

Researchers say that depression can cause diabetics to suffer severe severe sugar lows. Unless their depression causes them to eat an entire gallon of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.

The CDC says that most Americans still make unhealthy choices. Apparently the study was based on pretty much just looking at most Americans.

The CDC says that most Americans still make unhealthy choices. Which is usually the “yes” when asked if they want fries with their order.

A study says that removing tonsils can help children who have sleep apnea. How fat are we getting that we have to start removing body parts in order to make it so people can breathe when they are asleep?

A report says that Botox procedures are up 8% in 20-somethings. Apparently it’s for college graduates who realize they are hopelessly in debt but still want to look like they are happy about something.

Brad Pitt says he worries about “drug damage” he may have caused himself during his years with Jennifer Aniston. The first sign of severe drug damage is leaving Jennifer Aniston.

A study says that teens are cooling to Facebook and getting more involved with Twitter and Instagram. Mostly because they know it will take years before their parents ever figure out what a hashtag is.

U.S. utilities say they are under constant cyberattacks. Which is just what utility officials call it when their customers decide to complain about the lousy service they are getting through e-mails.

A new theory says that humans may have hunted and eaten Neanderthals. Which explains why you never see Sylvester Stallone out at any public functions any more.

A survey says that most Americans do not like their Internet provider. Especially men who couldn’t get the porn site they were looking at off their monitor before their wife walked in on them.

A survey says that most Americans do not like their Internet provider. No one had any idea that many people were still using AOL.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks to all my loyal readers who stay with me through bad jokes and worse jokes. Tell your friends about the site so I can reach my eventual goal of 7 Billion daily readers. Too ambitious? How about 7? In any event, keep reading and don’t forget to send the love!

1 comment:

Sam said...

Great stuff as always, Jim! I've been reading these a couple times a week for years!