Thursday, May 02, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A New York City realty company is offering employees a raise if they get a tattoo of the company’s logo. The only problem is that who is going to buy real estate with someone who has a tattoo?

A New York City realty company is offering employees a raise if they get a tattoo of the company’s logo. People working for Mike Tyson are just praying he doesn’t get the same idea.

A New York City realty company is offering employees a raise if they get a tattoo of the company’s logo. Apparently it’s too much to ask them to wear a jacket with a company patch.

A report says that infants with flat head syndrome are up 600% since 1992. Also up significantly is the number of incidents in Congress of “fat head syndrome”.

A poll says President Obama enjoys more support from the wealthy than the lower and middle classes. Mostly because the lower and middle classes realize his policies will never let them have a chance at becoming wealthy.

Researchers say that Jamestown colonists resorted to cannibalism to stay alive. In fact, the colony apparently was named in honor of James who was fat enough to feed the other colonists all through the winter.

Researchers say that Jamestown colonists resorted to cannibalism to stay alive. Apparently writings were discovered where the children in the colony kept complaining “Aunt Mary for dinner again? We just had her last night.”

A study says the secret of longer life lies in a region of the brain that controls aging. Unfortunately, it’s the part of the brain that tells men to go ahead and grow a pony because they think it makes them look younger.

A study says that watching porn has a small effect on a person’s sexual behavior. Actually there was really no study. It was just a paper written quickly by a researcher who was caught watching porn by his wife.

A study says that watching porn has a small effect on a person’s sexual behavior. Mostly because if a person has someone else to behave with sexually, they wouldn’t be watching porn in the first place.

The University of Virginia has banned backpacks at their graduation ceremonies. Unfortunately, most college graduates need their backpack because it holds everything they own.

The University of Virginia has banned backpacks at their graduation ceremonies. They shouldn’t be too concerned. College graduates don’t have enough money left over to buy any materials needed to build a bomb.

New technology allows college professors to track whether their students are reading their textbooks. Don’t we already have that technology? It’s called a test.

Scientists have created a screen that tracks shoppers eye movements to see what they are watching. Which for men is usually all the women walking around in the store.

President Obama is working hard to calm fears about his health care law. And that’s just with the Republican Members of Congress.

Former Vice President Al Gore says that Congress is swayed by money and not by the voters. Which was pretty much proven when he didn’t get the votes to become President and instead made $500 Million by selling Current TV.

Virginia’s first statewide virtual school is likely to close down. Which will make for the state’s first class of virtual dropouts.

A report says that half of the L.A. Times’ staff would quit if the paper is bought by the Koch brothers. Of course, if the Koch brothers buy the Times, the other half of the staff would be immediately fired.

Kodak is planning to exit bankruptcy. The company is changing, feeling that getting out of photography is the only way to do away with their negative image.

Congress wants to eliminate surveys that help calculate the nation’s unemployment rate. Apparently they feel it would be a lot easier and less time consuming to just keep track of the few people who actually still have a job.

Electric car manufacturer Coda is filing for bankruptcy.Apparently the only thing holding a charge was the company credit card.

Frontier Airlines will start charging some customers for carry on items and drinks. Apparently the prices will be based on asking the fliers “How much you got?”

J.C. Penney is trying to woo back customers with an apology. Apparently they are saying they are sorry to all the kids who have been picked on through the years for wearing clothes to school from J.C. Penney.

The CDC says that younger men are the biggest consumers of added sugar. And all that consuming is what makes them get continually bigger.

A study says that female smokers have a higher colon cancer risk. Where are they putting that cigarette? And you thought it was bad when kissing a smoker was like licking an ashtray. 

A study says that female smokers have a higher colon cancer risk. Apparently those are the ones who take it too literally when someone tells them to blow it out their rear end.

A study says that a genetic mutation is associated with migraine headaches. To which most women will tell you the genetic mutation that causes their migraines is their husband.

A study says that depression is associated with dementia. Which is great news for the depressed people who get Alzheimer’s Disease are able to forget what is making them so sad.

A study says that kids who use rides at local malls have a higher risk of injury. Although using mall rides is still better for kids’ well being than eating at the mall’s food court.

A New York City public elementary school has become the first school in the country to adopt an all vegetarian menu. Which has made the McDonald’s across the street the most valuable property in the city.

A study says that video game playing may help aging brains stay in shape. Ironically, video game playing is what is also making young brains into mush.

A study says that Medicaid expansion improves not only physical well being but the patients’ mental health. Mostly because the people aren’t suffering from anxiety as they wait for all their medical bills to arrive.

Emergency Room visits from sleeping pills are up 220% in recent years. Especially from when men are caught sneaking home late by their wife after taking an Ambien and falling asleep at their girlfriend’s house.

Tara Reid says that Lindsay Lohan is a mean drunk. As opposed to Tara Reid who is just a drunk.

Keith Richards says he doesn’t like digital music, that he would rather listen to LPs and tapes. The only problem is that he is getting a bit old and it is just getting too hard sometimes to crank up the Victrola.

Kelsey Grammer will play a villain in an upcoming “Transformer” movie. He got the part through typecasting. Every few years he transforms himself from married to divorced and back again.

A report says that 58% of Americans see a connection between extreme weather events and climate change. The other 42% are still trying to figure out why the world didn’t explode with the Mayan Calendar ending in 2012.

IBM scientists have made the world’s smallest movie, down to a molecular level. Apparently they got the request after people complained that the latest Adam Sandler movie was still big enough for them to see.

A poll says that almost half of all Americans say the sequester will hurt the economy. The other half is asking at this point if it is even possible to do any more damage to the economy.

A poll says that 59% of Americans are unhappy with the Senate’s vote on gun control. Meanwhile the Senators consider it a success they were able to have a vote where 100% of the people aren’t unhappy.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I really enjoy your reading and using my jokes. If you would like to show a little bit of appreciation back, feel free to make a donation to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen. Just click on the Great Strides icon on the page and give what you can. If you send the money, I’ll send the love!

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