Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The Emergency Manager of Detroit says that city is insolvent. Which means it is in a lot better financial shape than anyone thought.

Statistics show that 27% of homes in Detroit are vacant. The people occupying the other 73% are still waiting for their lucky break to leave town.

FEMA conducted a massive drill at a Pennsylvania water park. Apparently it’s part of their strategy like with Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans to just tell people to keep treading water.

The commander of the International Space Station made a video of himself singing David Bowie’s “Space Oddity”. Apparently any song about “space” and “oddities” must be dedicated to stalker astronaut Lisa Nowak.

Fox has broken its silence over “American Idol”, saying “everything is on the table.” As opposed to the old days when Paula Abdul was a judge and she could always be found under the table.

The Kiefer Sutherland show “24” is returning to Fox. Apparently the plot is for Jack Bauer to use enhanced interrogation techniques to find out what Matt Lauer really had to do with the firing of Ann Curry over at “Today”.

Salaries of public college presidents have risen to an average of $400,000 a year. Apparently the schools want to show students that there actually are good paying jobs that a college degree will get.

The U.N. says that edible insects could solve world hunger. Apparently this means that Taco Bell could soon be going global.

France is considering a “culture tax” on smartphones. The only question is, what do smartphones have to do with culture?

France is considering a “culture tax” on smartphones. Although if the French really want to tax culture, there is plenty to be found on their socks and under their arms.

Plastic surgeons say that “revenge surgery” is becoming more common, where someone has plastic surgery to become better looking to make their ex jealous. Which is a lot better than the revenge surgery that was developed by Lorena Bobbitt.

A study says the U.S. stops half of the illegal border crossings from Mexico. The other half are going to eventually head back on their own when they realize they were doing better before they left home.

An author says that animal and human waste can help solve the energy crisis. So far the only human and animal waste in the energy business is the reasons the oil companies are giving us for the high gasoline prices.

Europe is considering dropping interest rates below zero on some bank deposits. In other words, those people who stuff their mattress with cash are actually making the smarter investment.

Europe is considering dropping interest rates below zero on some bank deposits. Between that and service and ATM transaction fees, you get the same feeling of flying with an airline without every having to leave town.

Retailers in the U.S. say they are counting on the service they provide to win over people who usually shop on the Internet. Which could work just as soon as one of those store employees get off their behind for once to actually offer some kind of service.

Retailers in the U.S. say they are counting on the service they provide to win over people who usually shop on the Internet. Although most people are just faking they are shopping online when their wife walks into the room while they are looking at Internet porn.

A poll says that nearly half of all American mothers say their kids are not prepared to get a job. Unfortunately, it’s hard to find a job when the only skills you have are being able to balance a plate of Doritos on your knee while not dropping the game controller while setting a high score on “Grand Theft Auto”.

A poll says that a third of all American mothers say their kids are not prepared to live on their own. It’s hard to find people who are willing to let you stay in their basement for free with full access to the refrigerator and TV.

A survey says that many Americans are misinformed about their credit scores. Of course, when your home has been foreclosed, you have no job and nothing in the bank who needs to have a credit score?

GM says a supercomputer will help them keep the number of auto recalls in check. Meanwhile, Chrysler is getting a supercomputer just to keep track of all the vehicles they have had to recall.

Several Silicon Valley giants have pledged $30 Million to bring the 50th Super Bowl to the Bay Area. Apparently it’s a charitable gesture to let the Raiders and their fans see what an actual Super Bowl looks like.

Researchers say the obsession with obesity is causing some underweight kids to be overlooked. Especially if they are standing in line at the doctor’s office behind one of the obese kids.

Researchers say the obsession with obesity is causing some underweight kids to be overlooked. That is bad news for the three children in this country who are actually thinner than normal.

Advocates are warning that some cancer patients will be paying higher drug costs under the new health care law. The drug companies are shocked and say they will fix the problem so that all patients will be paying equally higher prices.

A drug manufacturer has agreed to pay a $500 Million fine for selling impure drugs and lying to the government. Which is a severe penalty that will drop their profit margin on the drug down to only 250%.

A drug manufacturer has agreed to pay a $500 Million fine for selling impure drugs and lying to the government. Which means it’s OK to push drugs that can potentially kill people as long as you are selling it from a pill bottle and not a baggie.

A study says that a healthy lifestyle may offset the health hazards from job stress. Although most people would welcome the stress from a job as being much less stressful than always being unemployed.

Researchers say that sodium levels in packaged and restaurant food haven’t dropped in the last few years. The worst part is that the ones that have dropped their salt levels have just replaced it with sugar and fat.

Barbara Walters has announced her retirement from TV journalism. Media critics were shocked. There is journalism on TV?

Barbara Walters has announced her retirement from TV journalism after 37 years with ABC. People were amazed. How did she manage to make the announcement over all the other chatter on “The View”.

Seth Meyers has been announced to take over “Late Night” from Jimmy Fallon who will be moving to the “Tonight Show” in 2014. Apparently his role on “Saturday Night Live” will be taken over by Matt Lauer who will be replaced on “Today” by Jay Leno.

Savannah Guthrie announced her engagement on “Today”. Most TV experts were surprised. They were expecting first to hear about her separation from Matt Lauer.

The hair stylist who created Jennifer Aniston’s “Rachel” cut says he was high when he did it. She knew something was wrong when the man cutting her hair actually made a pass at her.

The hair stylist who created Jennifer Aniston’s “Rachel” cut says he was high when he did it. The good thing about cutting Jennifer Aniston’s hair while you are high is that it is like giving a Ferrari a bad paint job. No one is going to notice.

McDonald’s has dropped their Angus burger and replaced it with three quarter pounders that have bacon. Apparently they see an advantage to that as selling anything with bacon qualifies it as a breakfast food so they can sell it around the clock.

The Backstreet Boys are planning a 20th anniversary tour. Which is also the 19th anniversary of their voices changing.

The Backstreet Boys are planning a 20th anniversary tour. Things have changed a lot over the years. Instead of girls throwing their trainer bras on the stage their fans are now throwing their Depends undergarments.

James Gandofini’s “Criminal Justice” has been picked up as a limited seven part series by HBO. Or as a seven episode series is called over at NBC, a hit show.

Pop psychologist Joyce Brothers has died at age 85. She started her TV career on NBC. At least she had a longer and more successful life than the network.

Researchers say that 98% of DNA is “unnecessary junk”. Of course, that was after studying the DNA of Donald Trump, Ann Coulter and Charlie Sheen.

Intel is losing ground as the world’s top chip company. Apparently it is having trouble keeping up with Samsung and Qualcomm, but when it comes to making chips no one has a chance against Frito-Lay.

A survey says that U.S. residents oppose an online Internet sales tax, saying it will cause them to shop less online. Of course, the only thing men are really “shopping” for online are better porn sites that don’t charge anything in the first place.

Samsung says it is testing 5G speed for its phones. Which means people will be able to crash their cars nearly twenty times as fast by not being able to keep up with all their text messages at once.

A study says the federal government creates more low wage jobs than Wal-Mart and McDonald’s combined. What do you call a low wage government worker? Still overpaid.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Time is running out to donate to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation Great Strides Walk in the memory of my wife, Karen. Just click on the Great Strides icon and give whatever you can. If you send the money, I’ll send the love!

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