Sunday, May 12, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


CBS anchor Scott Pelley said in a speech at Quinnipiac University that journalists are getting the big stories wrong over and over again. What’s worse is that he found out half way through the speech he was supposed to be talking at Queens College instead.

CBS anchor Scott Pelley said in a speech at Quinnipiac University that journalists are getting the big stories wrong over and over again. Which comes as no surprise to the three people who still watch CBS News.

CBS anchor Scott Pelley said in a speech at Quinnipiac University that journalists are getting the big stories wrong over and over again. Which Fox News took as a compliment since they don’t really have any journalists on their staff.

CBS anchor Scott Pelley said in a speech at Quinnipiac University that are getting the big stories wrong over and over again. Which the people at CNN were very mad about after they saw the report on MSNBC.

NBC has canceled Brian Williams’ pet project “Rock Center”. Apparently the show was pulled when the network found the audience thought they were watching “30 Rock”.

NBC has canceled Brian Williams’ pet project “Rock Center”. Apparently the network mistakenly thought it meant they were doing a show about pet rocks.

NBC has canceled Brian Williams’ pet project “Rock Center”. The show’s ratings are so bad that the network is thinking about bringing back “Joey” to replace it.

New NBC News President Deborah Turness says that “news is the best drama on television.” And that’s just with what is going on day to day with Matt Lauer’s status on “Today”.

Oregon smoke jumpers fighting a forest fire skydived into an illegal pot garden. That’s when they really put the “smoke” into smoke jumping.

A California woman has been sentenced to 63 days in jail for slapping a deputy in order to go to jail so she could quit smoking. Imagine how tough she is going to be around after they take her cigarettes away. 

A California woman has been sentenced to 63 days in jail for slapping a deputy in order to go to jail so she could quit smoking. Now she can instead use her cigarettes to buy extra toilet paper and prison tattoos.

A trauma surgeon says that Civil War General Stonewall Jackson likely died from pneumonia in 1863. And you thought your HMO took a long time in coming back with lab work.

A study says that driving with kids in the car is twelve times more dangerous than talking on a cell phone. mostly because the only way to communicate with kids in a car is by calling or texting them.

The IRS admits they were targeting conservative groups. Mostly because they know liberals never have any money.

An IRS spokesperson told a group of reporters “I’m not good at math.” Just wait until you come up $2 short in the amount of money you owe them.

A report says that temporary workers are approaching an all-time record. Mostly because in this economy everyone is a temporary worker.

Dennis Rodman says he is planning to return to North Korea to ask for the release of an American prisoner. Couldn’t we just make it a trade?

Senator Rand Paul says that President Obama is “helping anti-American globalists who are plotting against the Constitution.” No one even knew he was having meetings with the Supreme Court.

Fast food workers in Detroit are staging a walkout to protest low wages. The only problem in doing that in a city with Detroit’s economy is that it is just as easy to replace the workers with someone who will work for even less money.

A poll says that belief in an assassination conspiracy of JFK has slipped slightly. Mostly because Americans have moved on to other conspiracy theories like the fake Moon landing, the Roswell UFO and that global warming is a government hoax.

A pair of siblings in Florida are being charged with stealing a van full of Frito-Lay chips. How fat are we getting that people are willing to face hard time in order to get their fix of snack foods?

Experts say that the record CO2 levels in the atmosphere illustrates a “scary” trend. What’s really scary is that all the CO2 is apparently coming from all the soda cans we are opening in order to satisfy our need for sugar.

U.S. oil output is at its highest in 21 years, which a University of Michigan professor says is creating middle class prosperity. Which now gives the middle class just enough money to be able to afford to fill up their tanks since the oil companies have raised the price of gasoline so high.

The Postal Service announced a $1.9 Billion second quarter loss despite recent efficiency efforts. But that’s only because they are still mailing letters from 2007 which is before the changes took place.

Twitter is seen as being valued at $10 Billion. Which is enough zeroes so that it barely fits on just one tweet of 140 characters.

Russell Stover candy workers are filing a suit to be paid for overtime. Not only are the candy workers putting in overtime, so are the people working to produce insulin to treat all the people who got diabetes from eating so much candy.

The rate of Americans moving across state lines has dropped by half in the past two decades. Mostly because people figure when you are living in your car or a tent how much better is it going to be in another state?

A report says investors are borrowing against their stock portfolios at a higher rate than they were before the recession. Mostly because the ones who had a stock portfolio before the recession don’t have anything left to borrow against.

Chrysler is recalling 470,000 SUVs for gearshift problems. Auto industry experts were shocked. They find it hard to believe there are 470,000 Chryslers that have engines that start so that people know there is a problem with the transmission.

A study says that air pollution can increase the risk of children developing diabetes. Apparently the pollution makes their lungs work even harder to inhale all the junk they are eating which makes them diabetic in the first place.

A study says that obesity may be a factor in an increase in sleep apnea cases. You know that you are getting a bit too fat when you are snacking so much at night that you snore because the food is lodging in your airway.

Studies in Alabama and Kansas show that testosterone supplements may hurt male fertility. Have you ever been to Alabama or Kansas? Those states have a lot of problems but fertility doesn’t seem to be one of them.

A study says rising temperatures in summer increase health risks for people, especially seniors. People don’t really get sick from the heat, they just like to go to the hospital because they all have air conditioning.

A salmonella outbreak in a Las Vegas restaurant sickened 200 people. Although the salmonella was still healthier than anything found in a Las Vegas casino buffet.

A study has found the reason that people snack at night on sweet, starchy and salty foods. Mostly because they figure why change from what they ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

A study has found increasing arsenic levels in chicken. Apparently chickens are committing suicide rather than be captured and taken prisoner by the Colonel.

Adult Swim is planning a cartoon featuring Mike Tyson. Apparently he will be teamed up with SpongeBob Squarepants since sponges don’t have any ears that can be bitten off.

O.J. Simpson is headed back to court in hopes of getting a new trial. He is blaming his lawyers for his conviction. Apparently they weren’t able like in his first trial to put together a jury made of the twelve dumbest people on the planet.

Former “Teen Mom” star Farrah Abraham says her sex tape is not porn. Apparently that means her acting skills aren’t quite up to the level of Linda Lovelace, Jenna Jameson and Tracy Lords.

Lindsay Lohan is threatening to quit rehab after she was denied the drug adderall. Isn’t that a pretty good sign that rehab is the right place for her to be?

Sergio Garcia says that Tiger Woods distracted him during a shot at the Players Championship. If you want to see Tiger get distracted, just have a blonde start following him around the golf course with a 9 iron.

Twitter encouraged its users to stop tweeting and call their mom on Mother’s Day. Although Twitter is so much better because most people can’t go more than 140 characters with their mother before starting an argument.

A writer has gone back online after giving up the Internet for a year. He says it was almost unbearable going for a whole year without going on Youtube to watch cats playing the piano and hamsters eating a cracker.

A writer has gone back online after giving up the Internet for a year. He says the worst part was actually having to pay for magazines for an entire year to get any porn.

A report says that smartphones are driving up violent crime across the U.S. Especially when men’s wives see they are getting sexted by other women.

A study says that 21% of fliers leave their cellphones on during flights. Mostly just so they can have their phone cameras ready to take pictures when other passengers go into an booze fueled meltdown during the flight.

Astronauts took an unplanned spacewalk to fix a leaky pump on the ISS. Apparently the sequester didn’t leave NASA with enough money in its budget to pay for a weekend call to a plumber.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! We are getting close to the Great Strides Walk. Time is running out to send in a donation. Just click on the Great Strides icon to make a contribution in the memory of my wife Karen and I will be more than grateful. If you send the money, I’ll send the love!

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