Friday, May 10, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Economists say they have doubts that China’s economy will pass the U.S. this century. Mostly because of some bad investments by the country, like loaning the U.S. trillions of dollars they will never get back.

Eight people have been charged in a $45 Million ATM fraud scheme in New York City. It was the biggest ATM swindle since the transaction fees charged by the banks who own the ATMs.

Two passengers have reportedly fallen off a Carnival cruise ship in Australia. Apparently they actually jumped, figuring they had better odds of making it back to port safely if they swam.

Detroit’s emergency manager says that the city is in worse shape financially than originally thought. Apparently the manager had never actually been to Detroit before taking the job.

Detroit’s emergency manager says that the city is in worse shape financially than originally thought. That’s like the captain of the Titanic telling the passengers that the ship doesn’t seem to be going down all that fast, after all.

Wrigley has pulled its caffeinated gum off the shelves while the FDA reviews the product. Remember when the only concern you had about gum was whether the teacher would see you chewing it?

A poll says that 61% of college students want the government out of their lives. And it will be once they reach their 60s and pay off their government backed tuition loans.

A poll says that 61% of college students want the government out of their lives. The other 39% figure the government can be in their lives once they graduate and have to live off food stamps, unemployment and welfare.

A report says all the judges on “American Idol” will be fired at the end of the season. The producers need to find new judges in order to fill half the show with snarky comments, in fighting and self promotion.

A Nazi themed opera in Germany has been canceled after less than a week. Even the producers of the “Spider-Man” musical were asking what were they thinking?

A Nazi themed opera in Germany has been canceled after less than a week. The show’s producers were so out of touch that instead of a publicist, they had all their announcements go through a Minister of Propaganda.

A report says that U.S. traffic deaths have gone up for the first time since 2005. That’s what happens when you give Lindsay Lohan back her license.

A Montana man has been awarded $60,000 after being wrongfully diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. Apparently the doctors were fighting the award, saying he should just be happy to know he isn’t dying.

A Montana man has been awarded $60,000 after being wrongfully diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. Apparently the patient didn’t read the entire diagnosis which ended with “Kidding!”

The U.S. Department of Education is dropping the terms “mother” and “father” from its student aid forms. Apparently they got tired of people crossing out the terms and replacing them with “MILF” and “Baby Daddy”.

China is threatening to not buy any more scrap and recyclable goods from the U.S. Apparently they are happy selling us all their garbage and don’t need any coming back.

Youtube is launching pay to watch subscription channels. That means that people will now be able to pay good money for channels that exclusively show cats playing the piano and hamsters eating a cracker.

The Cubs may get to play as many as 46 night games at Wrigley Field next year under an agreement with the city. That way people who need to get home early can still leave by the third inning when the game is already in the tank.

The Cubs may get to play as many as 46 night games at Wrigley Field next year under an agreement with the city. That way when the Cubs get far enough behind they can just shut off the lights and have everyone go home.

Prescription drug spending in the U.S. has fallen for the first time in 55 years. Apparently now that marijuana is being legalized people are using it to either cure what they have or make them not care that they have it.

A study says that colleges are shifting money away from poor kids who need financial aid and giving it to wealthier students for merit scholarships. But then what college president wants to see the campus littered with bicycles instead of having a parking lot full of BMWs?

A Huggies app tells parents when their baby’s diaper is wet. The only problem is where you have to place your smartphone in order to get it to work right.

Stock ownership in the U.S. has dropped to a record low of 52%. Of course, the other 48% had to sell off all their other stocks to pay for their losses when they bought shares in Facebook.

Stock ownership in the U.S. has dropped to a record low of 52%. Which is about the same percentage of Americans who own a home, a car and still have a job.

McDonald’s has dropped their Angus burgers off the menu. Apparently regular McDonald’s customers just couldn’t get used to the taste of burgers that were actually made from beef.

AT&T is launching a prepaid cellphone service. Apparently they do a lot better in getting their money up front before people find out what their service is really like and want to drop them.

Scientists have discovered a protein that could turn hearts younger. Which is ironic since it is the protein in prime rib that made their hearts so much older in the first place.

A 14 year old researcher has found that the iPad 2 may interfere with heart devices. Especially when the user who has a pacemaker keeps getting furious from always losing at “Angry Birds”.

Experts say that pets may lower the risk of heart disease. Unless you have a pit bull and are always staying awake at night wondering if it is going to chew your face off.

The CDC says that one in eight Americans older than 60 report some memory loss. The other seven still remember the days when they had a house, a car and a 401K account.

A geneticist says that people who don’t exercise may skip the gym because of their genes. Apparently they were the ones who inherited the “fat” and “lazy” genes from their family genetic pool.

Bryan Forbes, the man who directed the movie “The Stepford Wives” has died at age 86. His movie inspired many men in their romantic choices, including Donald Trump, Larry King and Newt Gingrich.

Madonna will be honored as the top touring artist at the Billboard Awards. People love to see Madonna tours go through their city, because it’s always nice to see her pack up and leave town.

Kobe Bryant has told a court in a lawsuit that his mother didn’t have his permission to sell any of his possessions. Isn’t he taking his mom selling his baseball card collection a little too far?

Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder says the team will never change its name. Apparently he points out there was a sports franchise in Washington for years that had a much more offensive name. The Senators.

The Hollywood Park horse racing track will close after 75 years. Which is sad because now that horsemeat is legal in the U.S., bettors who lost the daily double in the afternoon could be chowing down on the slow horses that cost them their money by dinner time.

Scientists say that replacing old mice’s blood with the blood of younger mice reversed age related heart failure. The only problem with that is the amount of time it would take to get transfusions from the hundreds of mice it would take for just one person.

Scientists say that water on the Earth and the Moon came from the same source. Judging by the amount of water on the Moon, that source would have to be the L.A. River.

Scientists say that water on the Earth and the Moon came from the same source. To which students in Beverly Hills schools would say the answer to that would be “Perrier”.

U.S. lawmakers are pushing an apps privacy bill that would require consent from customers before companies could collect their personal information. Who do those companies think they are, Congress?

A poll says that 13% of Facebook users plan to say Happy Mother’s Day to their mother through Facebook. There is a word for those children. “Disinherited.”

President Obama is playing up the possible military uses for 3D printing. The best part is printing off a bomb and then just faxing it to the enemy.

The FCC says it hopes to improve the in-flight Wi-Fi experience. Mostly because the airlines have pretty much ruined every other flying experience, which would make it nice to have at least one good one.

The FCC says it hopes to improve the in-flight Wi-Fi experience. Apparently fliers are anxious for the ability to go online and complain to the airlines about the horrible flight they are on while still in the air.

The FCC says it hopes to improve the in-flight Wi-Fi experience.  Apparently there have been complaints ever since the Wright Brothers made the mistake of hooking up on their first flight with AOL.

Senator John McCain is pushing to end cable bundling, where people have to pay for channels they don’t watch. Apparently Congress is in favor of it since they don’t want anyone to see how little they do, and no one is going to pay for C-SPAN if they don’t have to.

Senator John McCain is pushing to end cable bundling, where people have to pay for channels they don’t watch. Apparently he feels anyone that wants the necessary channels will just go up on the roof and adjust the antenna like he still does.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just another week to go until the Great Strides Walk. I am asking you all to make a donation, any amount will be appreciated to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife Karen. Just click on the Great Strides icon. If you send the money, I’ll send the love!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Love your jokes Jim! Read them a couple times every week. Keep up the great work!