Wednesday, May 01, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A study says that Detroit is home to the three most dangerous neighborhoods in the U.S. Mostly because all of the criminals had to consolidate their work to the neighborhoods where there were still enough people left to assault and rob.

Spain’s El Celler de Can Roca has been picked as the best restaurant in the world. Of course, the way to tell if a restaurant is truly great is if they have outrageously high prices, rude, snooty waiters and portions so small you have to go out for dinner right after having dinner.

Spain’s El Celler de Can Roca has been picked as the best restaurant in the world. The restaurant is so exclusive that their kids’ menu has a wine list because by the time you can actually get a reservation, your child is old enough to drink.

NASA says they are planning a manned mission to Mars in the next two decades. Not really. The agency’s director is just looking for a way to keep his job until he can retire in 20 more years.

A worker at a meat plant in Oregon was killed after falling into a meat grinder. Apparently he couldn’t even be saved with Hamburger Helper.

A worker at a meat plant in Oregon was killed after falling into a meat grinder. His remains will be cremated at medium-high heat until evenly browned.

The French Prime Minister is urging officials to use French and not English words. Apparently there is just something about speaking French that makes you sound more arrogant and condescending than any other language.

A California woman was arrested at a Starbucks in San Jose for trying to sneak in poisoned orange juice. Who drinks orange juice at Starbucks? You still have to pay the outrageously high price but without the obnoxious barista ignoring you it just isn’t the same experience.

A report says that more couples are signing relationship contracts that detail how often they will have sex. The only problem is getting romantic with the legal team always present in the bedroom.

A report says that more couples are signing relationship contracts that detail how often they will have sex. The only catch is to make sure the contract specifically points out that it is supposed to be with each other.

A study says that living in the U.S. raises the risk of having allergies. Although they have yet to find an American child who seems to be allergic to sugar, fat or salt.

A study says that pizza can cut the risk of cancer. Which means the IRS could lose a fortune if people can start writing off their Pizza Hut bill as a medical expense.

A study says that pizza can cut the risk of cancer. Apparently no one even knew that Chuck E. Cheese got his start as a medical lab rat.

A study says that pizza can cut the risk of cancer. Now if we could just find a way that doughnuts could make for healthier hearts we will live forever.

A study says that pizza can cut the risk of cancer. Which means that the Domino’s  people can now legally put lights and sirens on their delivery cars.

The Pirate Party has gained three seats in Iceland’s Parliament. The only problem is every time they are recognized they have to start off their speeches with “Arrrgh!”

The Pirate Party has gained three seats in Iceland’s Parliament. Their idea of universal health care is a free eye patch and peg leg for everyone.

Bill Clinton says that an immigration bill should get 70 votes in the Senate. Is he serious? Apparently someone must have told him there are now 150 Senators.

Several Sherpa guides got into a fistfight with some climbers at the 24,500 foot level on Mt. Everest. Apparently the climbers made the mistake of asking what was the quickest way down.

An Ohio school teacher saved a student by donating a kidney for a transplant. It’s nice to hear that there are organ donations from teachers to students that aren’t taking place only in the bedroom.

Mitt Romney advised college graduates to get married in their 20s. Many of them do. Then they get remarried in their 30s, 40s and 50s.

Mitt Romney advised college graduates to get married in their 20s and have a family. Apparently the idea is to get your kids a job with Nike over in China to help pay off all your college tuition loans before you retire.

A survey says that federal workers say that government innovation is slipping. That’s not true. Members of Congress are government workers and they are always finding new ways around the campaign finance laws.

Lots on the Moon are selling for $19.99 per acre. It’s quiet and exclusive. The only problem is the nearest 7-11 store is 240,000 miles down the street.

Lots on the Moon are selling for $19.99 per acre. The best part is that it is pretty difficult for the bank to get up there when they need to post a foreclosure sign.

Data says that only 30% of American workers are engaged in their job. What’s worse is they don’t even get the ring back when their boss ends the engagement.

The first legal online poker game is set to launch in Nevada. It will only be accessible by Nevada residents. How lazy are you when you can’t even get off the couch to walk down the street to the nearest casino to play real poker?

U.S. homeownership is at 65%, the lowest percentage since 1995. Apparently that was back when people were figuring on striking it rich by instead of buying a home, putting all their money into pets.com stock.

A poll says that 6 in 10 Americans say they would rather pay more money to buy goods made in the U.S. The other four are saying “There are goods made in the U.S.?”

A poll says that 6 in 10 Americans say they would rather pay more money to buy goods made in the U.S. Mostly because it would create a place where they could maybe look for work.

A study says that megabanks may soon disappear. Mostly because all that is left after the economic crash are micro depositors.

A poll says that more than 40% of college graduates are underemployed. Of course, “underemployed” is a college graduate’s way of saying “working at 7-11”.

A poll says that more than 40% of college graduates are underemployed. Which is code for working at a video game store and living in your parents’ basement.

The CEO of GM says the next Chevy Volt will be profitable. As long as they can find someone willing to pay $154,000 to own one.

A survey says that doctors’ incomes are going up, with orthopedic surgeons making the highest salaries. Apparently with a population as fat as we are, there is always a market for people who are blowing out their hips, knees and ankles.

A professor in Canada is asking if eating boogers can boost the immune system. If nothing else, apparently it really helps in keeping the cooties away.

A study says that obese men in their 20s have decreased chances of making it to middle age. Which means if you are obese in your 20s, you are pretty much in middle age.

Consumer Reports says a study found dangerous bacteria in 90% of ground turkey that was tested. To which Taco Bell immediately announced a new healthy menu line featuring turkey meat.

An Irish woman delivered twins 87 days apart. The worst part was the husband having to deal with his wife screaming “You did this to me!” for three months.

An Irish woman delivered twins 87 days apart. Which for Irish twins means the second baby was actually six months premature.

A study links the Mediterranean diet to a better memory. Mostly because people who eat British food spend the next several hours trying to forget about it.

A study says that doctors are nice to their thinner patients. Mostly because they know they might actually be around long enough for some repeat business.

Willie Nelson has turned 80. Which means that any day he should be arriving for his 70th birthday party.

Willie Nelson has turned 80. No one even knew that marijuana had qualities as a preservative.

Golfer Vijay Singh will not be suspended for using deer antler spray, which is a banned substance. Apparently PGA Tour officials feel it doesn’t really benefit him. Not to say he has been playing poorly, but he collects the deer antler spray while he is in the woods looking for his ball.

The new Canadian $5 Bill was debuted by a Canadian astronaut aboard the International Space Station. The embarrassing part was that he could only buy $3 worth of snacks with it from the ISS vending machines.

The new Canadian $5 Bill was debuted by a Canadian astronaut aboard the International Space Station. The only problem is that he is short $69,999,995 for fare to catch a ride back to Earth with the Russians.

Yahoo! CEO Marissa Mayer was paid $36.6 Million last year. Just in case anyone wanted to know how the company got its name.

Yahoo! CEO Marissa Mayer was paid $36.6 Million last year. That’s why she did away with employees working at home. She wants all the other executives to be at work so she can show them her paycheck every week.

A poll says that 42% of Americans don’t know that Obamacare is the law. Apparently those are the people who get their news from Drudge, Fox News and Rush Limbaugh.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Time is running out. I would like to ask you all to make a donation to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen. Just click on the Great Strides icon on the page and give what you can. If you send the money, I’ll send the love!

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