Sunday, April 07, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Pete Rose in an interview says the unwritten rules of baseball are “stupid”. Apparently almost as stupid as the written rules.

Some Target shoppers say they are insulted that the store has named a color of plus size women’s clothing “manatee grey”. What’s worse is that at Wal-Mart manatee grey is the color of their women’s petites.

An off-duty police officer in Louisiana has been suspended when his gun accidentally went off in a strip club restroom. However, being a strip club means they are used to dealing with an occasional discharge in the men’s room.

The FAA says they will delay the closing of 149 airport control towers because of the sequestration until June. That will buy time for air traffic controllers to shop for a couch so they can start taking their naps at home instead.

Fidel Castro is urging North Korea to avoid nuclear warfare. How messed up is the world when Fidel Castro is now the voice of nuclear diplomacy?

A report says the government paid $80 Million in unemployment benefits to households making more than $1 Million a year during the economic downturn. Most of that was going to Mitt Romney who has technically been out of work while running for president since 2008.

Food workers at a Massachusetts school were fired for denying lunch to kids whose prepaid meal accounts accounts had run low. It was the first time students were denied lunch since the the program “No Students With A Big Behind” was canceled.

Wesley Snipes was released from prison after serving three years for tax evasion. He was charged with willfully failing to file tax returns. Has anyone ever tried to claim they accidentally failed to file a return?

Wesley Snipes was released from prison after serving three years for tax evasion. He was charged with willfully failing to file tax returns. It sent a serious message to Hollywood. You can kill someone or drive drunk all you want, but just make sure to pay your taxes if you want to stay out of jail.

Police are telling the public to take an active role and flee, hide or fight if they are ever caught up in a mass shooting attack. As opposed to what, taking pictures and posting them on Facebook?

A report says the percentage of working age adults in the work force is 63.3%, the lowest since 1979. Mostly because with the economy the way it is, “working age” is now considered anyone under 87.

A report says the percentage of working age adults in the work force is 63.3%, the lowest since 1979. The other 36.7% are trying to figure out what to do with their print journalism degree.

The Director of the government’s new Office of Financial Research says his job will be to make more accurate predictions for the direction of the economy. That sounds pretty easy. How wrong can you be if you just keep saying “Remember that ship ‘The Titanic’?”

KFC is introducing boneless pieces of chicken on its menu. Which without the bones pretty much means they are now serving fried batter.

KFC is introducing boneless pieces of chicken on its menu. Not to say the chickens they are using are old, but they had to remove the bones because the osteoporosis made them too brittle.

Government officials say that computer hacking has become the most significant economic issue between the U.S. and China. Well, besides the $16 Trillion they loaned us that we can’t pay back.

Portrait studios in Sears and Wal-Mart stores closed suddenly last week. Apparently people were too embarrassed to have anyone see pictures showing them at Sears and Wal-Mart.

Some companies are starting to charge workers with health issues like high blood pressure and obesity more money for health insurance. Which is ironic for people working at McDonald’s who have high blood pressure and are obese from eating at McDonald’s.

A North Carolina hospital has adopted the slogan “Cheat death”. Which is just a contraction for other hospitals’ slogan of “When we CHEAT you out of the medications and treatment you should be getting, it results in your DEATH.”

A North Carolina hospital has adopted the slogan “Cheat death”. They are located next to a McDonald’s which has adopted the slogan “Nobody likes a cheater.”

A study says that overweight kids have a higher risk of kidney disease when they are adults. Obese kids were shocked to hear the news. “We’ll make it to be adults?”

A study says that current college athletes are more likely to be depressed than former college athletes. Especially basketball players at Wichita State and Syracuse who will be watching the NCAA Finals Monday night.

A study says that current college athletes are more likely to be depressed than former college athletes. Especially the ones who aren’t there on scholarship and will have to be paying off their tuition loans for the rest of their life.

A study says that obesity does slow people down. Obviously, the study didn’t take place near any buffet lines.

A study says that walking offers the same benefits to a person’s health as running. Except for the people who only walk from the couch to the refrigerator and back.

Diners who ate at a New York City restaurant are being urged to get a hepatitis vaccination. Except for the people who regularly eat at Taco Bell and are now pretty much immune from everything.

A family was kicked off a United Airlines flight after complaining that the in-flight Tyler Perry movie was too violent for their kids. Apparently the airline workers thought they were just making trouble if that was the only complaint they could come up with against watching a Tyler Perry movie.

A family was kicked off a United Airlines flight after complaining that the in-flight Tyler Perry movie was too violent for their kids. What’s wrong with those parents? Didn’t they buy their kids an iPod, iPhone, iPad or DS to keep them out of their hair all day?

A family was kicked off a United Airlines flight after complaining that the in-flight Tyler Perry movie was too violent for their kids. How violent is that movie that parents are complaining more about that than having them go through a TSA search?

Researchers say that donkeys’ heart valves can be used as replacements for those of humans. Apparently they came up with the idea after working on Dick Cheney’s heart issues and realizing that an ass would be a perfect match.

A study says that teens’ interactions with their peers may be an indicator of their success as an adult. Which means if you are getting wedgies in middle school, life ain’t going to get any easier when you start your career at Wal-Mart.

Movie critic Roger Ebert has died at age 70. On his gravestone it will read “At least I never had to pay to see an Adam Sandler movie.”

Amanda Bynes says she has an eating disorder. The way she has been acting lately that means she has been pretty much eating nothing but pot brownies.

Jonathan Knight of New Kids On The Block left a show in the middle of a concert. Apparently it hit him right then that it isn’t 1998 anymore.

Jonathan Knight of New Kids On The Block left a show in the middle of a concert. Apparently the other four were wearing ear plugs that didn’t fall out during a performance.

Drew Barrymore says that “Women can’t have it all.” Although some can apparently still have a movie career even without any discernible talent.

A rare Honus Wagner baseball card has sold for $2.1 Million at an auction. The buyer says the card is in excellent shape although the gum was very hard to chew.

Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino was elected to the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame. Not only that, but even though he is a college coach he qualifies for the NBA Hall of Fame for getting a woman other than his wife pregnant.

The 1975-76 Indiana Hoosiers were voted the best college basketball team of all time for going undefeated through the entire season. Apparently the voters didn’t think any of the John Wooden UCLA teams should be picked since they went undefeated four times and it would be too hard to choose.

The 1975-76 Indiana Hoosiers were voted the best college basketball team of all time for going undefeated through the entire season. Plus that was the one season that Bobby Knight actually went the whole year without throwing a chair.

Israeli archaeologists say they found a 1,500 year old wine press. They could tell it was a wine press since they found it near an alley littered with 5th century bottles of Mogen David 20/20.

U.S. lawmakers are against a takeover of the Internet by the U.N. Apparently they feel the Internet should continue to be controlled by Google, Facebook and the porn industry.

The Hubble Telescope has detected a supernova which exploded 10 Billion years ago, which researchers named after President Woodrow Wilson. It was the biggest disaster named after a President since the Bush Depression.

A bill in Tennessee would cut welfare benefits to families if their children fail in school. Which puts a lot of pressure on those kids who will now officially be known as the family breadwinners.

A bill in Tennessee would cut welfare benefits to families if their children fail in school. Otherwise known as the “end of all welfare” bill.

U.S. carbon emissions are at their lowest level since 1994. And that’s just from cutting back on the carbon dioxide not being released since outlawing all those Big Gulps in New York City.

Kansas has passed a measure banning abortions based on sex selection. Meaning that only men can now have abortions there.

Disgraced congressman Anthony Weiner is reportedly considering a run for Mayor of New York City. Apparently the word won’t be official until naked pictures start appearing again on his Twitter account.

House Historian Robert Remini has died at age 91. Apparently he was designated as House Historian since he is the only person around who is as old as at least half the members of Congress.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Wichita State made a great run at the NCAA Championships. They put up a great fight and got much farther than anyone expected, just like my wife Karen who was a Wichita State graduate. She put up a great fight against Cystic Fibrosis and got much farther than the nine years she was given at birth. If you would like to donate in her memory, just click on the Great Strides icon and give what you can. If you send the money, I will send the love!

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