Friday, April 05, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Walgreen’s says they will start treating chronic illnesses at their clinics. Like the ones you get from eating the snacks and drinking the soda and alcohol they sell in their stores.

The Detroit Airport has pulled a local newspaper that ran a headline saying that Detroit is the most miserable city in America. Maybe the airport management should ask themselves why all the flights at the airport are outbound?

Fast food workers in New York City have gone on strike because of low wages. Not only that, but selling a 32 ounce soda can now get them 5 to ten years with good behavior.

Thieves are reportedly stealing tree sap in Maine. How slow do you have to be to not be able to catch someone stealing maple syrup?

Thieves are reportedly stealing tree sap in Maine. Not to say that stealing maple syrup is a slow process, but the thieves have been spotted using a Prius for their getaway car.

For the first time ever, a majority of Americans support legalizing marijuana. Actually, they have always been in favor of legalization. It’s just taken this long for all of the pot smokers to turn in their surveys.

Doctors are warning that Wrigley’s caffeine laced gum could be a health hazard. Remember when the only problem anyone ever had with gum was stepping in it or being made to spit it out in class?

The British Library will set out to archive the entire UK web. Isn’t that why we have Google?

A new software program will be able to grade college tests in a matter of seconds. All it does is match each essay to the website it was copied from before giving it an “F”.

A town in Maryland has approved a tax to pay for managing stormwater. Residents are still trying to find out what precipitated the decision.

Meat labels will soon say where and when the animal was born and slaughtered. That doesn’t sound like a food label. It sounds more like a zoological version of the Bible.

Meat labels will soon say where and when the animal was born and slaughtered. To which Taco Bell is saying “Do we need to say what kind of animal?”

A Connecticut gun measure has outlawed 100 different types of firearms. Or as Texans call 100 different types of firearms, “a wardrobe”.

Health officials say that one in 38 U.S. kids is suffering from lead poisoning which can lead to a lower IQ. The other 37 can blame their low IQ on sitting on the couch playing video games all day.

The new Apple Campus is said to be $2 Billion over budget. Apparently the contractors are getting back at the company for having to pay so much for their iPad, iPhone and iPod.

The new Apple Campus is said to be $2 Billion over budget. This proves that the government can be run like a business.

Bank of America has unveiled ATMs where customers can have a live chat with a teller. The first question from most customers is “Can you spare any loose change?”

A report says that Microsoft could be obsolete by 2017. Although most people will tell you the company has been obsolete since they introduced Windows 98.

The pork and beef industry will be renaming cuts of meat to avoid confusion. They don’t want anyone to mistake the “pork butt” they are having for dinner with the nickname of their wife.

GM is making a contingency plan for a potential Korean crisis. For one thing, if production stops at Hyundai and Kia their customers may actually be forced to look at buying something made by GM.

A study says that states with fewer gun laws tend to be the most violent. Although the study was hard to read, especially in the places where it was riddled with bullet holes.

A study says that more women are choosing to live with men without being married. Apparently they are deciding to wait before making a lifelong commitment until their partner can actually find a job.

Researchers say that a new class of sleep medications are on the way that will not leave people feeling groggy the next day. However, that won’t sit well with people who like that groggy feeling which makes it easier to fall asleep at the office.

A study says that men with low testosterone are more likely to get arthritis. Especially since having a low testosterone level keeps their hands working so much longer.

A study says that balding men have a higher risk for heart disease. Especially for people like Donald Trump who live in fear that their bad comb over will be revealed on a windy day.

A study says that balding men have a higher risk for heart disease. The only question is will a hair transplant offset the need for a later heart transplant?

A study says that balding men have a higher risk for heart disease. Not for any medical reason, just from being lonely without ever having any dates.

Irish character actor Milo O’Shea has died at age 86. What Irish actors have there ever been who have been anything other than a character actor?

Chris Brown said in an interview about Justin Bieber “I pray for him.” Not as much as other people are praying for whomever Chris Brown is dating.

Chris Brown said in an interview about Justin Bieber “I pray for him.” How bad is it when Chris Brown is starting to get worried about your behavior?

Sharon Osbourne has been added to the witness list at the Michael Jackson wrongful death trial. Apparently she is going to testify that even her husband Ozzy couldn’t have ingested all the drugs Michael was taking and survived.

Prince William and Kate Middleton paid a visit to Scotland. Apparently William wanted to get it out of the way before he becomes King so he can say he’s been there and won’t have to go back.

Prince William and Kate Middleton paid a visit to Scotland. They made the trip during the day so they wouldn’t be around for dinner and risk anyone trying to serve them haggis.

Lance Armstrong has dropped out of a swimming competition in Texas. Apparently he pulled out of the race when he found out that steroids weren’t water soluble.

Samsung is planning to open mini stores inside of Best Buy stores. The question their employees will face the most will be “Where are all the Best Buy workers?”

Japanese researchers say that brain scans reveal the visual images that people see while they are asleep. Which could result in some real problems if their wives ever get to see those pictures.

A report says that tablets will outsell PCs by 72% in three years. The bad news for PC manufacturers is that even VCRs will be outselling PCs in another three years.

Indiana has become the first state to propose having an armed employee in every school. And that’s just to make sure the daily doughnut delivery man makes it to the cafeteria and back every day without getting mugged.

The IRS says it may close down around each holiday this year to fulfill furloughs brought on by the sequester. That shouldn’t be a problem. It’s not like there is anyone who actually has an income anymore to collect from.

A survey says that most voters would like the Constitution to decide same-sex marriage and not the states. The only problem is that when the Constitution was written, a gay marriage was one where the husband and wife were happy together.

A survey says that most voters would like the Constitution to decide same-sex marriage and not the states. The Constitution itself has many gay attributes. It was a project that involved only men, whomever wrote it had excellent penmanship and is intentionally ambiguous.

President Obama advisers David Axelrod and David Plouffe have been selected to the American Association of Political Consultants Hall of Fame. There’s a hall that even Pete Rose would turn down membership.

President Obama advisers David Axelrod and David Plouffe have been selected to the American Association of Political Consultants Hall of Fame. Apparently it is located right next to the halls of fame for Wall Street CEOs and personal injury lawyers.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! If you like the jokes, they are always free. Hey, you get what you pay for. But if you would really like to show your appreciation, make a donation to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen. Just click on the Great Strides icon and give whatever you can. If you send the money, I’ll send the love!

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