Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Barry Diller says he wishes he hadn’t bought Newsweek magazine. The worst part is he said it in an interview with Time.

A survey says that 61% of all Mexicans say they wouldn’t move to the U.S. even if they could. The other 39% say it isn’t so bad once you get here.

A survey says that Human Resource executives say that new college graduates perform poorly in job interviews. Mostly because most college graduates rarely get to experience going to one.

Italy is reportedly short 6,000 pizza makers who are too proud to take the jobs that pay low wages for long hours. Apparently if Italians want to take stereotypical jobs they would rather run numbers for the mob or operate an organ grinder with their monkey.

Mike Tyson says he hopes that Obamacare can save him some money. Because facial tattoo removal and ear replacement surgery just aren’t cheap anymore.

Prisoners are reviewing their prisons on Yelp. Because before committing a major crime it’s always best to know which penal institutions offer the finest choice in cuisine and chain gang singalong activities.

Prisoners are reviewing their prisons on Yelp. Interestingly enough, they all get better marks than from people working at Wal-Mart.

Prisoners are reviewing their prisons on Yelp. Just really beware of any prisons where the inmates give two thumbs up.

A poll says that global economic confidence shows that optimism is returning. Mostly from people who figure that while things aren’t great, at least they aren’t in Greece.

France says it will slash military spending, cutting 10% of all defense jobs. It shouldn’t really hurt the country. Anyone invading France realizes after that they will be stuck with France.

France says it will slash military spending, cutting 10% of all defense jobs. Which could really hurt sales for Nike who provides their custom track shoes to all French soldiers.

DeVry University will freeze their tuition rates for the year, citing economic weakness. And the fact that having a DeVry degree means that even philosophy majors are getting hired ahead of you.

Chrysler’s first quarter net profit dropped 65%. Mostly because 65% of zero is still zero.

France is trying to become more start-up friendly. If nothing else, it’s the first time that “France” and “friendly” have ever been used in the same sentence.

The U.S. paid off $35 Billion of the national debt, the first time cutting the deficit in six years. We still owe $16 Trillion. That’s about the same effect on your mortgage as finding a nickel in your living room sofa.

Consumer spending went up .2% last month. Which basically means we all spent our last two cents.

The SEC is accusing Victorville, California of fraud. Apparently the city is being accused of dropping the official town thermometer occasionally down into double digits.

The SEC is accusing Victorville, California of fraud. Apparently they are going after them for masquerading as a place where people might actually want to live.

A study says that unemployment fraud is costing the U.S. Government $3.3 Billion a year. Which is still a bargain compared to the all the money the government has to pay out to people who really are unemployed.

A study says that unemployment fraud is costing the U.S. Government $3.3 Billion a year.  The problem is, when someone goes to the unemployment office and says they are out of work, who is not going to believe them?

A poll says that young Americans are the most positive about the direction of their personal finances. Mostly because they have never known what it’s like to actually make more than the money they get from a paper route or their allowance.

A poll says that young Americans are the most positive about the direction of their personal finances. Mostly because they know they have several decades to still have hope that things will possibly some day get better before they try to retire.

NBA center Jason Collins became the first major sports athlete to come out and admit he is gay. He is being praised for risking being isolated, ignored and taunted. To which Clippers players are saying “Tell us about it.”

A UK mom gave birth to two sets of identical twins. Unfortunately, they are all going to have to grow up sharing the same set of teeth.

A UK mom gave birth to two sets of identical twins. The odds of that are 70 Million to one. Those are the same odds as someone from the Royal Family actually ever having a real job.

A pediatric group is urging doctors to support mothers who wish to give birth at home. Which are mostly young moms who still aren’t allowed to cross the street by themselves yet.

A study says that drugs can prevent migraines headaches, but many have side effects that are worse than the actual headache. Mostly when the person gets a migraine after seeing their pharmacy bill.

A study says that there is an increase in illicit drug usage by Baby Boomers, especially with marijuana, cocaine and opiates. The worst part is having to get lectured by their children when they are caught raiding their kids’ personal stashes.

A study says that there is an increase in illicit drug usage by Baby Boomers, especially with marijuana, cocaine and opiates. And that doesn’t even include them using the black market to get their Viagra and Rogaine.

A study says that an increasing number of women are getting cosmetic surgery so their arms look like those of Michelle Obama. There has also been a drop in women asking for cosmetic surgery to give them Hillary Clinton’s cankles.

Chris Brown’s father says he is not in favor of his son having a relationship with Rihanna. Mostly because he is worried a relationship with her will lead to Chris Brown’s next relationship with his cell mate.

Carrie Fisher has confirmed she will appear in the seventh episode of “Star Wars”. Not to say the original stars are getting old, but Han Solo now operates his light saber with The Clapper.

Carrie Fisher has confirmed she will appear in the seventh episode of “Star Wars”. Not to say the original stars are getting old, but the most exciting scene in the movie is where Han Solo gets in his Rascal and chases down some Imperial Stormtroopers who have stolen Princess Leia’s Social Security check.

“Teen Mom” star Farrah Abraham has sold a sex tape she was marketing. How bad is it when her parents think back to when she started on “Teen Mom” and consider those the good old days?

“Teen Mom” star Farrah Abraham has sold a sex tape she was marketing. Apparently it is being billed as a prequel.

Greg Norman says the lack of blood testing on the PGA tour is “disgraceful”. Leave it to someone nicknamed “The Shark” to have an attraction to blood.

Greg Norman says the lack of blood testing on the PGA tour is “disgraceful”. Has he looked at the PGA tour stars lately? The only thing Tim Herron, John Daly and Kevin Stadler will test positive for is Haagen Dazs.

The NBA says the Kings will have to stay in Sacramento and will not be able to move to Seattle. Mostly because the other teams feel having to travel to Sacramento is bad enough.

The NBA says the Kings will have to stay in Sacramento and will not be able to move to Seattle. Not only that, they found out they can’t trade for Jason Collins. (Think about it. It’s bad, but think about it...)

A study says that millions of years ago, the Earth smelled like rotten eggs. Which means the Lincoln Tunnel is actually a time portal.

A huge “hurricane” is covering the north pole of Saturn. What’s worse is that The Weather Channel is already trying to come up with a name for it.

A huge “hurricane” is covering the north pole of Saturn. What’s bad is that there is just as good of a chance of emergency assistance from FEMA there as there is here on Earth.

Scientists in Japan have built a robot that plays baseball with the help of an artificial brain. Apparently they modeled it after Jose Canseco.

Former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor says it may have been a mistake to take the Bush V. Gore case. Apparently she has already taken the tour of the George W. Bush Presidential Library.

A study says that NASA is the most innovative government agency. Apparently they were recognized for managing to keep being funded while not actually having done anything in the past ten years.

A survey says that wedding guests spend an average of $539 to attend. Mostly on placing bets in the divorce pool.

A survey says that wedding guests spend an average of $539 to attend. Of course, that is only at weddings with a cash bar.

A study says that to work against climate change, the best strategy is not to mention how something will help the environment. Apparently they got the idea from not telling Mikey that Life Cereal is good for him.

A study says that a lack of sleep can harm a man’s sperm. Especially when his wife catches him sneaking in at three in the morning.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Great Strides Walk for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation is on May 18th, less than three weeks away. I am asking you all to make a donation in the memory of my wife, Karen. Just click on the Great Strides icon on this page and give what you can. If you send the money, I’ll send the love!

No comments: