Wednesday, April 03, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The Associated Press has dropped the term “illegal immigrant” from their stylebook. The question is, when will they also eliminate other antiquated terms like “congressional ethics”?

Samoa Air has become the first airline to charge passengers based on their weight. If that is the new trend it will mean instead of packing snacks for flights, people will be bringing along their own laxatives.

President Obama has called on Congress to spend $100 Million on a project to map the human brain. Ironically, when it comes to the brain Congress is so hopelessly lost they don’t even ask for directions anymore.

President Obama has called on Congress to spend $100 Million on a project to map the human brain. There is no need to map the brains of Congress. With them, the compass always points to Wall Street.

Colorado lawmakers are trying to set driving limits for marijuana users now that pot is legal in the state. The consensus so far is that if you are not too high if you can drive anywhere besides a pizza shop or cookies store.

Colorado lawmakers are trying to set driving limits for marijuana users now that pot is legal in the state. Apparently the thinking is that you are not too stoned if you can actually take the car up over 25 mph.

A sheriff’s deputy in Virginia has been disciplined for leaving his service revolver in a clothing store dressing room. Apparently he wanted to make wearing a holster with any pants he bought didn’t make his butt look too big.

A former Vogue magazine editor says that fashion models eat tissues to stay thin. The ones who stay really thin are the ones who throw up after they realize they were eating tissues that were used.

A former Vogue magazine editor says that fashion models eat tissues to stay thin. Remember when women would have guilty feelings about eating a whole carton of ice cream and not a whole box of Kleenex?

New Jersey has banned minors from using tanning beds. How bad have things gotten when your next generation has made role models out of the cast from “Jersey Shore”?

An ExxonMobil oil spill is the subject of an Arkansas investigation. Oil company officials are fearing it could be as severe as what happened to BP with the Gulf Oil Spill where they were given a stern lecture and told to try not to do it again.

Georgia educators charged in a cheating scandal began turning themselves in, some facing bonds of $1 Million. Their students were shocked, saying “Is that like, more than a hundred?”

A phone app for New York City teens that gives advice about sex is causing controversy. For one thing, the teens keep calling in to say what the app has gotten wrong.

A phone app for New York City teens that gives advice about sex is causing controversy. Apparently it was made for public school teenagers as the state is concerned they are falling way behind what the kids are learning in parochial schools.

The NRA is recommending the best way to protect children is to arm the staff at all schools. And that’s just to keep the order in the cafeteria at lunch time.

The NRA is recommending the best way to protect children is to arm the staff at all schools. That will change it to the four R’s, reading ‘riting, ‘rithmetic and reload.

Jay Z is expanding his horizons, now becoming a sports agent. The only concern is that compared to other sports agents and team owners, rappers may be too nice, gentle and naive for that kind of business.

Several law school graduates are suing their law schools, saying the colleges misrepresented the job market after graduation. The law schools say that the education they provided will still be beneficial, so graduates know when they are legally required to receive overtime at their job at McDonald’s.

Several law school graduates are suing their law schools, saying the colleges misrepresented the job market after graduation. The law schools aren’t worried. It’s not like the students were ever taught what to do in court.

Several law school graduates are suing their law schools, saying the colleges misrepresented the job market after graduation. Apparently the students thought they would be filing briefs by now, not just wearing them around the house while they are unemployed.

A report says that the delinquency rate of consumer loans is continuing to fall. Mostly because people haven’t been able to find a bank that will loan them any money since 2008.

Former Budget Directors David Stockman and Peter Orszag are both warning about the size of the national deficit. Like we should take advice from two of the people responsible for getting us where we are in the first place.

Former Budget Directors David Stockman and Peter Orszag are both warning about the size of the national deficit. That’s like Bobby Knight warning people about the consequences of having a bad temper.

The head of the World Bank says that global warming is threatening the planet and the poorest. Of course, the only bigger threat to the planet and what will make everyone poor is what is being done to us by the banks.

A study says that job burnout can be worse for a person’s health than smoking. Workers today are treated just like cigarettes. The boss uses them to satisfy his own personal needs they get used up and their butt ends up out on the street.

A Wisconsin researcher has been charged with economic spying for China. The best way to keep from being taken over by China is to let them have all the economic secrets they want from Wisconsin.

The SEC says it will allow companies to use social media to disclose company information to investors. Apparently they feel they could have saved people a lot of money if Facebook had been allowed to tell people not to buy their stock.

A report says that Jackson, Mississippi tops the list of the country’s allergy capitals. Apparently the people there seem to be extremely allergic to work, exercise and education.

A study suggests that “retail therapy” or going shopping may work to make people happy. Although that is usually followed 30 days later with a relapse into “credit card statement depression”.

A study says that adults with recurring sore throats may benefit by having their tonsils removed. Most Americans are all for it, as any excuse will do to be prescribed to go on an ice cream diet.

The CDC says that one out of five teen births are to moms who already have children. Mostly because teenagers are going through the audition progression for “Pregnant At 16”, “Teen Mom” and then “Teen Mom 2”.

The CDC says that one out of five teen births are to moms who already have children. Which makes for an interesting first day presentation at school for “What I did on my summer vacation.”

The CDC says that one out of five teen births are to moms who already have children. The other four have decided to hold off on starting a family until after their senior prom.

The latest New York City health campaign is to get people to cut down on their salt intake. If people were really concerned about the health of New Yorkers, there would be a campaign to get them to leave New York City.

A study says that competitive cash for weight loss incentives work the best. If you thought the government’s deficit was big now, just wait until we start paying overweight Americans to drop their extra pounds.

Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian are being accused of charity fraud. However, if you consider accepting money for showing you are incapable of doing anything for yourself, the whole Kardashian empire should be considered a charity organization.

The Rolling Stones are ready to announce their U.S. tour dates. Apparently they will be hitting all cities that have Carrows restaurants so they can hit the Early Bird Special.

The Rolling Stones are ready to announce their U.S. tour dates. They get a bereavement discount on their airline tickets by telling them they are going to the States to bury Keith Richards.

Porn star Ron Jeremy is back at work after having heart surgery. The only problem he had at the hospital was what kind of exercise therapy to do with all the nurses.

Michael Jackson’s doctor Conrad Murray says he did nothing wrong, he was just at “the wrong place at the wrong time.” Meaning he should have left the house before Jackson actually died that night.

A report says there are requests for 44,000 season tickets if the NBA Sacramento Kings are moved to Seattle. There are even more requests for tickets around the league by people who want to see their team win an easy game against the Kings.

The CEO of J.C. Penney took a 97% pay cut in 2012. What do you call a corporate executive who gets 3% of their former salary? Overpaid.

A poll says that public interest in global warming is waning. Which was really a poll to show how many Americans have ADHD.

A Georgia town that voted for mandatory gun ownership for residents says the move was just “symbolic”. Just like their law saying that everyone needs to visit the dentist at least once a year.

A poll says that 13% of Americans believe that President Obama is the Antichrist. The other 87% get their information somewhere other than Fox News.

The Obama Administration is warning that Egypt is backsliding on their transition to democracy. To which Egypt says “We were just about to say the same thing to you!”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for reading the blog and suffering through the jokes. If you really want to stop the suffering of others, make a donation to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen. Just click on the Great Strides icon on the page and give what you can. You send the money, and I’ll send the love!

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