Sunday, April 28, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Martha Stewart says she almost signed up for dating on match.com. Apparently she just never met Mr. Right from any of those pen pal letters she got while in prison.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg made $2.3 Billion from the Facebook stock he sold before the company’s IPO. If he would have held onto that stock for another year it would have been worth as much as $7.58.

Colorado is considering a 30% tax on marijuana now that it has been legalized. If they really want to make some money they should put the 30% tax on pizza, Doritos and cookies.

A Florida woman swallowed a $5,000 diamond at a charity event. Which is now turning into a salvage operation by the Ty-D-Bol man.

A Florida woman swallowed a $5,000 diamond at a charity event. The diamond was in a glass of Champagne. Which makes it the most expensive drink since Kris Humphries toast to Kim Kardashian at their wedding.

A rare 1913 nickel sold at auction for $3.1 Million. Mostly because back in 1913 a nickel could buy what it takes $3.1 Million for today.

Jessica Simpson bought Ozzy Osbourne’s house for $11.5 Million. That doesn’t even include the cost of removing all the bat droppings.

Jessica Simpson bought Ozzy Osbourne’s house for $11.5 Million. That doesn’t include the cost for repairing all the holes where Ozzy kept running into the walls.

Congress has approved a quick fix to end the flight delays at airports from the sequester. The sequester started nearly two months ago, which is about as quickly as Congress has ever fixed anything.

The Mayor of Memphis says that “danger” billboards posted by the police union have hurt the city’s image. The Mayor didn’t have time to get more specific as it was getting dark and he had to return to his bunker.

A Mississippi man has been charged with using a biological weapon in the ricin letter case. And that was just for the Taco Bell burrito he threw at police when they came to arrest him.

The FAA says that air traffic is returning to normal after air traffic controllers are returning to full staffing following cuts from the sequester. Now the delays will just be caused by the controllers nodding off instead of not being there.

Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer had shoulder replacement surgery following a bicycle accident. In an effort to balance the court he now has two left shoulders.

74 year old Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer had shoulder replacement surgery following a bicycle accident. Not being able to stay on a bike after that many years of riding explains a lot of those recent Supreme Court decisions.

Immigrants are now paying lower fees to wire money to their relatives back home. Apparently the new immigration policy says the more money they can send home, the less likely their whole family will sneak over the border to join them.

Jupiter, Venus and Mercury will all align in a conjunction over Memorial Day. Which means even space will be crowded over the three day weekend.

The Las Vegas Sands is looking for a new accounting firm. Apparently the old firm couldn’t account for all the cash and is now vacationing somewhere in Lake Mead.

The Las Vegas Sands is looking for a new accounting firm. Apparently the old firm made a serious mistake with the books and actually showed the casino making a profit.

The Las Vegas Sands is looking for a new accounting firm. The only prerequisite is the ability to answer all questions from the IRS with “We didn’t see nothin’!”

The FDA is warning of some fake Botox being imported into the country. The way to find out if a doctor is using counterfeit Botox is when the people coming out of his office are actually not grinning.

A report says that 57% of companies are offering their employees the option of working from home. the only catch is that is in addition to the eight hours they are putting in every day at the office.

A report says that lenders are getting back into the subprime market for loans. Apparently the way to tell when someone gets a subprime loan is when it is less than a week before the “For Sale” sign is replaced by one saying “Foreclosed”.

Nissan is recalling their Altima models because the spare tires are either over or under inflated. Or the owner can actually go out and just buy a tire gauge.

The House of Representatives has voted to prolong the federal helium project that was started in 1925. Which is good news for golf fans who can’t stand the idea of watching a televised tournament without the guarantee of an overhead blimp camera shot.

The House of Representatives has voted to prolong the federal helium project that was started in 1925. You would think that Congress itself is creating enough hot air to keep any blimp afloat for the next 88 years.

Boeing says its 787 jets are safe after Ethiopian Airlines has resumed using the planes. Apparently if Ethiopian Airlines doesn’t crash a plane, it pretty much passes the test.

Boeing says its 787 jets are safe after Ethiopian Airlines has resumed using the planes. The good thing about Ethiopian Airlines is they can put 500 people on a flight and still not exceed the weight limit.

A study says that watching porn may have only a small effect on the sex behavior of teens. The best way to tell if teens are watching porn is if they can correctly identify a picture of Ron Jeremy.

A roadside breath test that can detect marijuana, cocaine and other drugs could be close. Apparently the detector’s levels are “misdemeanor”, “wasted” and “Lindsay Lohan”.

California is considering a penny an ounce tax on sugary soft drinks. Which is good because Beverly Hills would go bankrupt the minute they try to tax bottled water.

A study says stimulation to the brain may ease smokers’ cravings for nicotine. Especially when the stimulation is a punch to the head from a militant non-smoker they happen to light up near.

A study says that overprotective parenting may lead to kids who are bullied. Which means the Octomom’s kids should pretty much never have to worry about that anyway.

A Florida Yoga instructor has developed a fertility Yoga routine to help women conceive. Apparently the program is based on traditional Yoga positions known as “doggy”, “missionary” and the “butterfly”.

A study says that lying to a doctor could be harmful for patients. Especially when they are lying about having medical insurance.

Woodstock opener Richie Havens’ ashes are to be spread over the grounds at the site of the Woodstock concert. Which is ironic since the ground there is still covered from all the ashes left over from the 1969 event.

Lauryn Hill has reportedly signed a $1 Million recording contract with Sony. The deal was approved by her manager, agent and legal representatives, who are otherwise known as the IRS.

Clint Eastwood says he would like to still be directing at age 105. Which means he is hinting to the studios that he is ready to do sign a contract for the next three years.

Clint Eastwood says he would like to still be directing at age 105. Apparently he made the statement in a conversation he was having with his empty chair.

Google Chairman Eric Schmidt says he admits talking to the new Google Glasses will be “weird and inappropriate.” But no more weird and inappropriate than having a conversation with Mark Zuckerberg.

Indiana University has dedicated the biggest supercomputer owned by a college. It will be used to calculate the interest piling up on all outstanding student loans.

Indiana University has dedicated the biggest supercomputer owned by a college. It will be used to calculate the distance traveled in the air and after landing of a chair thrown on different basketball courts by Bobby Knight.

Conan O’Brien performed at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner over the weekend. He slammed the media, in particular CNN, Fox and NPR. Now that he’s on basic cable, he doesn’t have to worry about what network executives think of him. He’s more concerned about being bumped off by SpongeBob and Dora the Explorer.

99 Cent Store founder Dave Gold has died at age 80. Or as his discount stores are referred to since 2008, luxury shopping.

99 Cent Store founder Dave Gold has died at age 80. He will be cremated with his ashes stored in a can of generic potted meat.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for reading the jokes and hopefully not becoming too nauseated. If you would really like to show your appreciate for all the hard work I do for no money, and for me writing the jokes on top of that then just click on the Great Strides icon on this page and send some money to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen. Any donation will be appreciated. You send the money, and I’ll send the love!

No comments: