Friday, April 26, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


At the opening for his presidential library, George W. Bush reportedly told his brother Jeb to “run”. People thought he meant for President, but it was actually when W discovered there was an ice cream stand inside the library.

Barbara Bush, when asked about her son Jeb possibly running for President says “We’ve had enough Bushes.” Of course, most people felt the same way after her husband left the White House.

The world’s richest man Carlos Slim is being cited for making profits from a program that provides phones to the poor. Who become poor in the first place from trying to pay their monthly cellphone bills.

Police in Sweden say they found illegal drugs on Justin Bieber’s tour bus in Stockholm. Apparently they found small amounts of baby aspirin and some Flintstones vitamins.

Mike Tyson says an ex-girlfriend cooked and ate one of his pigeons. It’s just too bad he let a perfect match like that get away.

China and France have vowed to promote a multipolar world where there is no dominant superpower. As opposed to the way the world is getting along now, which can only be described as bipolar.

China and France have vowed to promote a multipolar world where there is no dominant superpower. To which Joe Biden says we are already multipolar. There is the North Pole and the South Pole.

China and France have vowed to promote a multipolar world where there is no dominant superpower. In other words, China will become more like France.

A Colorado court says it is legal for Dish Network to fire an employee for smoking marijuana on their own time even though the drug is legal in the state. Which is ironic in that Dish Network is mostly watched by people who are sitting at home getting stoned.

A poll says that Hawaii is the least stressed state. Mostly because they are the state that is the farthest from Washington, D.C. 

An analysis says there is a $2 Trillion underground economy in the U.S. where people are paid under the table. Apparently the underground economy is the only thing keeping a lot of households from going underwater.

Detroit Mayor Dave Bing says he is considering seeking reelection. Apparently his campaign slogan will be “How much worse can it get?”

Detroit Mayor Dave Bing says he is considering seeking reelection. The only good thing about the job is that there is really no pressure to actually get anything done.

Prince Harry has opened a brain injury charity. Which means he is already preparing for another trip to Las Vegas.

A Las Vegas man was jailed after driving his car into a church. Apparently he didn’t realize that not every church in town offered drive-thru wedding services.

Grocers are claiming that growers are fixing the price of potatoes. Apparently the scheme could cost the average family as much as another 37 cents a year.

Grocers are claiming that growers are fixing the price of potatoes. Apparently they realized all this time Mr. Potato Head was changing his appearance to avoid detection.

The CEO of United Airlines is calling the FAA’s furloughs of air traffic controllers “irresponsible”. Why don’t they just do like the airlines and charge travelers who want controllers an extra fee?

The CEO of United Airlines is calling the FAA’s furloughs of air traffic controllers “irresponsible”. As opposed to overbooking flights, losing luggage and ignoring your customers.

A poll says that Americans see their finances as getting better, but still worse than before 2008. Which is like the passengers on the Titanic who said getting in the lifeboat was nice, but it was nowhere as good as it was before hitting that iceberg.

The company that makes Marlboro is planning to come out with an e-cigarette this year. In other words, it looks like the Marlboro Cowboy’s other job was singing with the Village People.

A study says that drinking a sugary soda a day increases the risk of diabetes by 22%. It is getting so bad that 7-11 is now offering Big Gulps featuring Cherry Coke, Coke Classic and New Coke With Insulin.

A study says that children with more severe concussion symptoms take longer to recover than those with symptoms that are less severe. The study was apparently conducted at the University of No Kidding.

A study says that children with more severe concussion symptoms take longer to recover than those with symptoms that are less severe. Which makes you wonder what kind of train was it that hit Terry Bradshaw?

A poll says that most Americans oppose taxes on soda and candy. Apparently they are asking what’s next, taxing air and sunshine?

A poll says that most Americans oppose taxes on soda and candy. Apparently this whole Tea Party thing is really just a bunch of fat people rebelling against being picked on.

A study says that people who are religious respond faster to treatment for depression. Of course, most people who are religious are depressed in the first place from all the guilt feelings they were inflicted with since they were kids.

A study says that binge drinking in college may lead to heart problems later in life. The only thing from college more likely to lead to heart problems is having to pay off a college tuition loan for the next thirty years.

A study says that binge drinking in college may lead to heart problems later in life. And paying off a college loan while working at a minimum wage job can lead to drinking later in life.

A study says that binge drinking in college may lead to heart problems later in life. Or to put it another way, college leads to heart problems.

An Illinois child with an IQ of 147 has become the youngest person to be admitted to Mensa. Or as people in Alabama are saying, “What’s Mensa?”

An Illinois child with an IQ of 147 has become one of the youngest members to be admitted to Mensa. In a related story, A child in Mississippi was admitted to the local Mensa chapter by showing the ability to spell “Mensa”.

A documentary about Amy Winehouse is planned for release. Apparently a sequel is already in the works with Lindsay Lohan.

The redesigned $100 Bill is set to enter circulation in October. Apparently the changes in the printing use a less flammable paper so that Wall Street executives can light more cigars off each bill.

MTV has ordered a TV pilot based on the “Scream” movie series. Don’t they already have that? It’s called “Snooki and JWoww”.

Danica Patrick’s divorce has been finalized. Unfortunately, like with her racing she wasn’t able to take her marriage across the finish line.

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig says that the baseball season won’t be interrupted for the Olympics. The only people that have any reason to be there from the U.S. anyway are scouts who are checking out the Cuban relievers.

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig says that the baseball season won’t be interrupted for the Olympics. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal. It’s not like the U.S. team needs to stick around for the medal ceremony.

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig says that the baseball season won’t be interrupted for the Olympics. Anyway, good luck finding nine players who be willing to take the Olympic drug test.

Researchers say the stock market can be predicted by analyzing search terms on Google. For instance, the market usually crashes every time there are searches about “subprime”, “Fannie Mae” and “Bear Stearns”.

Researchers say the stock market can be predicted by analyzing search terms on Google. For example, beware anytime there are searches about “Facebook IPO”.

A study says the Earth’s core is 1,800 degrees hotter than previously thought. So maybe this whole global warming thing is happening from the inside out?

A designer says that smartphones have outgrown the average pants pocket size. Mostly because there isn’t any room left in the pockets after people are done squeezing their large rear ends into their jeans.

A designer says that smartphones have outgrown the average pants pocket size. Since when do people ever put their phones down from texting, making phone calls and watching movies to put them in their pockets?

A study says that nearly half of all consumers abort online transactions when they need to enter a password. Mostly because the person they stole the credit card from forgot to tell them what it is.

Republicans say they have cut $300 Million in spending at the House of Representatives in the past three years. Mostly from printing costs in not having to bother printing out all of President Obama’s proposed legislation they refuse to pass.

A judge in Oregon says that it is unconstitutional to limit inmates’ mail to postcards. For one thing, who is sending inmates postcards in the first place?

A study challenges the idea of universal features that are attractive. Mostly from seeing that guy from “Monk” becoming a sex symbol.

A study says that people are more likely to talk about their weight or salary than their credit card debt. Especially when they have run up their credit bill on gambling, phone sex and Nigerian princes.

A survey says that Americans are feeling more secure about their jobs. Mostly because how likely is it being fired from your job at 7-11 when you are the only one on staff with a master’s degree?

The American Heart Association says that heart failure will spike 46% by 2030. Mostly because McDonald’s business has spiked 46% since 2000.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope you like the jokes. Or at least I hope you don’t feel compelled to send a ricin soaked letter to the person responsible for writing them. What I would appreciate is your sending a donation to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen. Just click on the Great Strides icon on the page and give what you can. If you send the money, I’ll send the love!

1 comment:

DH said...

"Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig says that the baseball season won’t be interrupted for the Olympics. Anyway, good luck finding nine players who be willing to take the Olympic drug test."

HILARIOUS - but it makes me kind of sad because it's true...