Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Greetings, oh Faithful Readers!


The Associated Press Twitter account was hacked and a phony tweet about an attack on the White House was sent out. The worst part is that is the first story the AP has actually broken in years.

The Associated Press Twitter account was hacked and a phony tweet about an attack on the White House was sent out. What’s worse is that the AP found out about it by watching CNN.

The Dow Jones average dropped nearly 150 points on the hacked AP tweet about a White House attack. The sad part is that a real attack on the White House would probably make the Dow Jones average go up.

The newly opened Bush Presidential Library in Texas includes exhibits on 9/11, Hurricane Katrina and the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. Apparently there is even a drawer that contains the good things that happened during the Bush Administration.

A Las Vegas hospital is being accused of dumping psychiatric patients in California. Apparently they figured sending them to California would pretty much guarantee no one would notice.

Pennsylvania firefighters are suing the manufacturer of fire truck sirens saying they are too loud and are causing hearing loss. The worst part is they can only rescue people who know how to say “Help!” in sign language.

A house in London has a sale price of $375 Million. Or you could take half that money and buy pretty much every home in Michigan.

Bill Gates upset the South Korean media by casually greeting the country’s president with one hand in his pocket. Apparently Gates says it is a reaction from high school to keep one hand in his pocket to ward off potential wedgies.

Bill Gates upset the South Korean media by casually greeting the country’s president with one hand in his pocket. What was even more insulting was that Gates has the same barber as North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un. 

A Miami Dolphins defensive end is suing a Washington, D.C. based firm to get his investment money back, claiming he was swindled. Pretty much like the fans who bought season tickets for the Dolphins.

Stonehenge is advertising for a new general manager at $100,000 a year. Apparently the historical icon is looking for someone who can lead the way into the 3rd century.

A report says that alternative treatments like Transcendental Meditation, guided breathing and biofeedback in place of medication can help with high blood pressure. Mostly because their blood pressure goes up when they get the bill for their prescriptions.

A survey says that prescription drug abuse is up among teens. Mostly because it’s no fun to smoke marijuana anymore now that it’s becoming legal.

A survey says that prescription drug abuse is up among teens. Apparently it’s a status symbol to have parents who can afford a health care plan that pays for prescriptions.

A researcher says that a person’s sneeze reflects their personality. Which means it’s not a good idea to hang out with someone who likes Jackson Pollock and paintball.

A report says that young adults with ADHD are four times more likely to have a car accident than those who don’t. Although any young adult who drives the car and has a cell phone is pretty much ADHD.

A rare sleeping disorder causes a UK woman to eat 2,500 calories in the middle of the night. Or as we call that in the U.S., the Taco Bell fourth meal.

A rare sleeping disorder causes a UK woman to eat 2,500 calories in the middle of the night. Or as that is called in the U.S., “dieting”.

A rare sleeping disorder causes a UK woman to eat 2,500 calories in the middle of the night. Apparently the only way for someone to consume 2,500 calories of British food is while they are sound asleep.

A report says that U.S. hospitals have sent hundreds of sick and injured immigrants back home. The worst part is they got that way by arriving in this country packed with 12 other people in the trunk of a Buick.

A study says that chicken and ground beef are the most likely to make people sick. Taco Bell says that makes them the safest restaurant in the world.

A study says that chicken and ground beef are the most likely to make people sick. The study says the safest products are chicken nuggets, ham and sausage. Mostly because chicken nuggets, ham and sausage really don’t contain any meat.

A study says that community gardening can carry health benefits. Until you ask someone if they know where to find a good hoe.

A study says that community gardening can carry health benefits. Unless the one you are working at happens to be in a prison yard.

A DNA lab in Scotland says that every human with red hair is a direct descendant of the first person who had it. The bad new is that if you have red hair, then you have to break it to your kids that they are somehow related to Carrot Top.

A report says the video game Tetris can help treat people with lazy eye. Mostly because playing video games all day will make the rest of a person’s body equally as lazy.

Kim Kardashian says she wouldn’t mind be married again, this time to Kanye West. She says she thinks if things work out right, she could stay married to him for as long as 100 days.

Kim Kardashian says she wouldn’t mind be married again, this time to Kanye West. That would be her third marriage. Even Madonna is telling her she needs to slow down.

A report says that Hollywood’s new target demo is people over 50. Mostly because they find that going to the movies is the best way to get away for a few hours from their video game playing kids who are living in their basement.

Ben Affleck says he will live on $1.50 a day for five days. Apparently he learned how to do that right after filming “Gigli”.

Ben Affleck says he will live on $1.50 a day for five days. Apparently he has just discovered Taco Bell.

Ben Affleck says he will live on $1.50 a day for five days. Apparently he won’t be counting the cost of the food that is already in his 300 square foot refrigerator in his mansion.

Sharon Osbourne says she is “devastated” over Ozzy’s relapse into drugs and alcohol. The sad part is that it took her 18 months to realize he wasn’t sober anymore.

Rihanna has become the first person to ever have ten #1 songs on the Billboard charts. I must be getting old, because I couldn’t even name one of them.

Rihanna has become the first person to ever have ten #1 songs on the Billboard charts. The amazing part was that not one hit was from Chris Brown.

The UK’s Daily Mail says that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have only been seen together 26 of the past 111 days. People were shocked. There is actually someone keeping track of that?

An openly gay kicker is setting his sites on the NFL. If he doesn’t get drafted, there is always a spot for a good kicker on a Broadway chorus line.

The NFL has announced there will be stricter security at the 2013 NFL college draft. How about providing security where it is really needed? In the stands at Raiders home games.

The BCS has become a four team playoff and has changed its name to the College Football Playoff. The good news is that with only four teams, some college football players will be able to fill out their own brackets.

A study says that college basketball scoring and fouls are at historic lows. However, sideline tweets are now at an all time high.

The Justice Department is suing Lance Armstrong, saying he violated his contract with the Post Office and unjustly enriched himself while cheating. Apparently they are saying if Armstrong wanted to get overpaid while not earning it, he should just asked the Post Office for a job.

A study says that people like robots and feel sad when they see a one being abused. Unless it is that annoying C-3P0.

Apple profits dropped 18%, their first drop in ten years. The last time an apple falling made that much news, it hit Newton on the head.

Apple profits dropped 18%, their first drop in ten years. That means they only made ten kazillion dollars more than they will know what to do with.

Burger King is expanding its delivery service to San Francisco, Los Angeles and Chicago. The only thing expanding more than their delivery service is their customers’ waistlines.

Burger King is expanding its delivery service to San Francisco, Los Angeles and Chicago. The only question is, don’t people in San Francisco, L.A. and Chicago have better delivery choices than Burger King?

Formula E Electric car racing has added a venue in Los Angeles. Or you could just go to Wal-Mart and watch the seniors race up and down the aisles in their Rascals.

A study says that driving and voice activated texting don’t mix. Mostly because people have to keep looking to see how the auto correct has messed up their message.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks to all for your support for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. It is less than a month until the Great Strides Walk, so if you haven’t donated yet I would appreciate if you would click on the Great Strides icon on the page and give what you can in the memory of my wife, Karen. If you send the money, I’ll send the love!

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