Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The FAA says that air traffic controller furloughs could result in three hour flight delays at LAX. The only question is how can anyone tell?

Ted Nugent says the surviving Boston bomber should be publicly hanged. Fortunately for the bombing suspect, most people don’t take their criminal prosecution advice from a man who sings “Wango Tango” while wearing a loincloth.

Police in Vietnam seized 53 King Cobras from a car. Apparently the owner misunderstood when someone told him to get a Viper car security system.

Police in Vietnam seized 53 King Cobras from a car. The worst part is that anyone else riding in the car has to listen to that snake charmer song played over and over again.

A marijuana celebration in Golden Gate Park in San Francisco on 4/20 cost the city $10,000 to clean up. Apparently the city just took it out of its budget for “weed control”.

A marijuana celebration in Golden Gate Park in San Francisco on 4/20 cost the city $10,000 to clean up. It’s too bad because the city actually would have made money if there was only some way to recycle pizza boxes and Oreo wrappers.

A Texas rapper was fatally shot while making a music video. Which pretty much turned it into a documentary.

The new supercomputer “Edison” is able to perform two quadrillion operations a second. Apparently it will be used to keep track of the national deficit.

The new supercomputer “Edison” is able to perform two quadrillion operations a second. Apparently it will be used to predict stock market crashes. Although it will be pretty much just as accurate as someone standing there saying “Any minute now...”

The U.S. economy will jump 3% with a change in the way data is analyzed and computed. In other words, if we cook the books enough it will make it look like things are getting better.

The U.S. economy will jump 3% with a change in the way data is analyzed and computed. Isn’t a change in accounting what crashed our economy in the first place?

A Chicago woman has reportedly been arrested nearly 400 times in the past few years. Apparently her goal is to eventually beat the record now held by Lindsay Lohan.

Disgraced Congressman Anthony Weiner has reopened his Twitter account to announce his return to politics. Which makes about as much sense as if Bill Clinton were to announce a return to politics while smoking a cigar.

Spain’s population has fallen for the first time since records began because of the recession. The economy has gotten so bad, bulls in Pamplona are chasing tourists just hoping that some of their loose change may fall out.

The UN says that the operators of the Fukushima nuclear power plant should prepare better for disasters. What’s next, telling people who invested with Bernie Madoff that maybe they should get some better financial advice?

A new company transforms old wedding dresses into other household items. Like a cover for the futon the bride’s husband will be sleeping on when she catches him sneaking home at 3:00 in the morning.

Anticipated cheaper gas prices are expected to help both drivers and the economy. 7-11 will be glad to know that after filling the tank, motorists will now have enough cash left over to splurge and actually buy that candy bar and Slurpee.

The SEC is charging a former Office Depot executive with insider trading. Apparently his inside knowledge of Office Depot operations was able to net him a stock profit of more than ten dollars.

Research shows that hookahs are no safer than smoking cigarettes. Mostly when a person from the northeast is overheard by their wife about using a “hookah”.

Research shows that migraine headache treatments may be targeting the wrong source of pain. Most women agree, saying the source of most of their migraines is their husband.

A report warns that the “cinnamon challenge”, where people try to swallow a spoonful of cinnamon can be dangerous to a person’s health. However, it is still not as dangerous as eating a cinnamon roll from Cinnabon.

A study says that the loss of health insurance hampers young people with asthma. Mostly because what causes people to gasp for air in the first place is when they find out they have no health coverage.

A study says that wearing a kilt makes for a better quality sperm. Which really doesn’t matter since no one wearing a kilt needs to worry about ever actually having any contact with a woman.

Research says that people should combine diet and exercise at the same time for the best results. Which for most people is tough because the pizza grease keeps getting on the joystick for the video games.

A study says that kids most likely contract warts from home or at school. Unless they are genital warts then they have to assume it was Paris Hilton.

A study says that two thirds of parents still urge even teenage kids to clean their plate. The other third have to toss the plates to their kids to keep from losing a finger.

A study says that two thirds of parents still urge even teenage kids to clean their plate. Usually that’s only necessary on the third helping.

New York City is considering raising the smoking age from 18 to 21. Mostly because you have to be old enough to take out a loan to afford a carton of cigarettes anymore.

New York City is considering raising the smoking age from 18 to 21. However, you only need to be 14 if the smoke is coming from a gun.

A study says that a marijuana pill may work better to relieve pain than smoking, although it doesn’t get the user as high. Which will have the same effect as if Hugh Hefner decided to try to start Playboy magazine without any pictures.

A former Miss Delaware Teen who lost her crown because of a sex tape was given probation for possession of alcohol. She may have lost her crown but now has a lock on the title of Miss Congeniality.

A former Miss Delaware Teen who lost her crown because of a sex tape was given probation for possession of alcohol. Which means she is eligible to compete next year as Miss New Jersey.

One of the stars of “Real Housewives of Atlanta” reportedly found out her husband was divorcing her through Twitter. Even he couldn’t watch the show enough to tell her in person.

The star of the reality show “Billy the Exterminator” has pleaded guilty to drug possession. Apparently he started to use drugs once he realized there is no way the show could possibly last more than three episodes.

The star of the reality show “Billy the Exterminator” has pleaded guilty to drug possession. “Billy the Exterminator”? They have truly run out of ideas for reality shows when they decide to follow around the pest control man while he sprays.

Matthew McConaughey is launching his own clothing line. When asked what kinds of shirts he would be selling, he said “What’s a shirt?”

Matthew McConaughey is launching his own clothing line. Apparently the clothes will be made out of hemp, of which all the material will be personally be prepared by McConaughey and Woody Harrelson.

Kim Kardashian says that she is “in pain physically” from her pregnancy. Apparently being achy and throwing up has given her an idea of what it is like to watch any of her reality shows.

Richie Havens, the opener at Woodstock has died at age 72. Unfortunately, he didn’t come down enough to even remember the concert until he was 65.

The Backstreet Boys have received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Not to say they have been around awhile, but even the Beach Boys are asking how they get away with still using that name.

Kobe says he will no longer tweet during games. That means without carrying around his cellphone during the game he might now even have his hands free enough to try a pass.

Sportscaster Jim Nantz says he wanted to climb out of the press box during the power outage at the Super Bowl. Which is different than when most viewers are asking during a baseball broadcast for Tim McCarver to climb out of the press box.

Sportscaster Jim Nantz says he wanted to climb out of the press box during the power outage at the Super Bowl. It had nothing to do with covering the power failure. He just couldn’t handle any more time trying to make small talk to Phil Simms.

A poll says that two thirds of Americans are against increasing the gasoline tax to repair roads. Mostly because people figure if you can’t put any gas in the car, who needs a road in the first place?

An audit says that cabbies in Las Vegas overcharged tourists by $15 Million in 2012. However, they aren’t pressing charges because they did those people a favor by taking the money away they had set aside for the buffet lines.

An audit says that cabbies in Las Vegas overcharged tourists by $15 Million in 2012. Apparently the biggest offense was leaving the meter running while their fares were visiting a brothel.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just want to again thank all the people who have generously donated to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen. Join in by clicking on the Great Strides icon and give what you can. If you send the money, I’ll send the love!


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