Sunday, April 21, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Saturday was 4/20, also known as “National Weed Day” when people around the country celebrate marijuana. Which means that Sunday was 4/21, when people around the country who were too stoned on Saturday celebrate National Weed Day.

Snoop Lion received High Times magazine’s Lifetime Achievement Award over the weekend. Apparently he was given the award for being a pot smoker who has actually achieved something other than a collection of bongs.

The IRS will have to close down for five days this summer due to the sequester. Which gives them only 360 days this year to track down the people who actually still have an income.

North Korea is reportedly training 11 year old soldiers for their army. Apparently they are attracting Chinese kids who have been laid off from Nike for being too old.

North Korea is reportedly training 11 year old soldiers for their army. Although some kids are trying to get out of the draft by claiming to have Cooties.

USA Today founder Al Neuharth has died at age 89. The news came along with a pie chart that showed the odds of a person living to be 89.

Apple says it keeps records of all voice queries for Siri for two years. The company says the number one request is the phone number for a Mr. Hugh Jass.

Apple says it keeps records of all voice queries for Siri for two years. Which means they have about three billion requests on file for directions for the closest pizza.

A report says that health care needs are delaying many people from retiring. The rest are delaying retirement until they can actually find a job so that they have something to retire from in the first place.

Former Dodger owner Frank McCourt’s ex-wife wants a judge to throw out her “huge mistake” in accepting a $131 Million settlement from her ex-husband only to see the team later sell for $2 Billion. Apparently McCourt thought they had pretty much already taken the Dodgers for everything they were worth.

Former Dodger owner Frank McCourt’s ex-wife wants a judge to throw out her “huge mistake” in accepting a $131 Million settlement from her ex-husband only to see the team later sell for $2 Billion. The people of L.A. overwhelmingly want to see the case turned over to Judge Judy.

Former Dodger owner Frank McCourt’s ex-wife wants a judge to throw out her “huge mistake” in accepting a $131 Million settlement from her ex-husband only to see the team later sell for $2 Billion. As opposed to the O’Malley’s huge mistake of selling the team and letting the McCourts eventually become the owners.

A British man cooked and ate his own finger after losing it in a motorcycle crash. Ironically, it was the same middle finger that he was flashing at someone that got him run over in the first place.

A British man cooked and ate his own finger after losing it in a motorcycle crash. That gives a whole new meaning to the term “finger food”.

A British man cooked and ate his own finger after losing it in a motorcycle crash. What’s really bizarre is that he is now dating the woman who was suing Wendy’s for finding a finger in her chili.

A house with 8,000 reptiles in the basement caught fire in Colorado. Authorities think the fire may have been set by a pyro-thon.

The EPA says that California hasn’t yet spent $455 Million of federal money for safe drinking water. Which in California means buying about 100 Million bottles of Perrier.

A study says that adult levels of consciousness may be present in infants’ minds. If you have ever had a child, you know the only adult level of anything is what you find in their diapers.

Florida is suing BP and Halliburton for the 2010 Gulf Oil Spill. Halliburton is fighting back, saying the damage to Florida is nowhere near as bad as what they did to Iraq.

A strike caused Germany’s Lufthansa Airlines to cancel most their flights Monday. The worst part is their tickets were honored by American Airlines which meant they pretty much had the same result.

Puerto Rico is debating legalizing marijuana. People were shocked. Marijuana isn’t legal in Puerto Rico?

Puerto Rico is debating legalizing marijuana. Now that pot is legal in Colorado and Washington State, people will need an option to vacation and go somewhere they can get high during the winter months.

A poll says that most people in the U.S. still want to buy a house some day. Mostly because that would mean they would finally have a job and enough money left over to pay off a mortgage.

Researchers say that 39% of employees world wide have no balance between their work and life. Mostly because they don’t have a job, which makes it hard to have a life.

An Australian company is offering a record turntable that costs $160,000. Mostly because the only people who would have that kind of money are people who remember what records actually are. 

An Australian company is offering a record turntable that costs $160,000. Which pretty much makes it a paper weight since everyone tossed their record collections back in 1988.

Airline trade groups are suing the FAA to stop the furlough of air traffic controllers. Apparently the controllers are concerned that if they aren’t working, how are they going to get their eight hours of sleep every day?

The government is working to file criminal charges against the surviving Boston Marathon bomber. Is it really that hard to figure out what to charge someone with who set off deadly bombs and shut the city down for five days?

87 year old Dick Van Dyke says he is plagued by fatigue and a neurological disorder that hasn’t been diagnosed. Just as a guess, could it have anything to do with being 87?

87 year old Dick Van Dyke says he is plagued by fatigue and an undiagnosed neurological disorder. The title for the mystery so far is “Diagnosis: Old”.

A study says that the percentage of U.S. adults who get nine hours or more sleep every night is increasing. Otherwise known as people who don’t have kids.

A study says that people who are told how much exercise it will take to burn off food items on a menu tend to order less. What might even work better would be to use a tape measure to show how many inches the meal will add to their behind.

A study offers tips on how to eat less at a buffet. The only problem is that most people who go to buffets aren’t worried about eating less.

A study offers tips on how to eat less at a buffet. It also offers tips on how to lose fingers by touching someone’s plate while they are in the buffet line.

A survey says that two thirds of adults talk on the phone or text while driving when they have their kids in the car. What’s worse is that their kids are the ones they are talking to and texting.

A study says that kids can develop life long injuries from training too hard at sports before they have properly developed. Which in the U.S. means as many as three children in the U.S. could be affected.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries have reportedly reached a settlement in their divorce case. Apparently Humphries was claiming fraud in that he was thinking the marriage would last a lifetime. Or 72 days, whichever came first.

Jay-Z is selling his interest in the Brooklyn Nets as league rules say he can’t be an agent and own an NBA team at the same time. Apparently he is trying to get around the rule by making an offer to buy the L.A. Clippers.

Former “Baywatch” star Nicole Eggert was injured while diving on the ABC show “Splash”. Anyone who wants to see an even bigger flop will have to change the channel over to NBC.

Singer Lauren Hill is reportedly being evicted while still in the middle of her sentencing for tax fraud. Which works out well since she will be provided a place to live for the next three to five years.

A 59 year old cosmonaut has become the world’s oldest space walker. Not because he actually left the vehicle while in space, but because he actually can only get around the capsule using a walker.

A survey says that Internet users like free web content that is supported by advertising targeted towards their interests. In other words, they are tired of having to pay for the best porn sites.

A survey says that Internet users like free web content that is supported by advertising targeted towards their interests. Which is fine, as long as their interests are Viagra, lowering their bills and getting a lower mortgage interest rate.

Girls Scouts in L.A. can get a new merit badge for video game development. So far the badges require skill with computers along with life experience in stealing cars, shooting an automatic weapon and cutting off people’s heads with a chain saw.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has unveiled a plan to curb gun violence in the state. The first recommendation is to not to cut off any New Jersey drivers in traffic.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has unveiled a plan to curb gun violence in the state. There has already been a big drop in gun violence since people aren’t shooting their TV sets anymore after “Jersey Shore” went off the air.

A Florida bill has passed that will end permanent alimony payments in the state. Otherwise known as “alimony”. 

A Florida bill has passed that will end permanent alimony payments in the state. The only problem is that without permanent alimony checks coming in, that will pretty much put all the Carrows restaurants out of business.

Democratic National Committee Member Debbie Dingell says she will not run for Senator from Michigan. People were hoping she would run for New York City Mayor in a primary against Anthony Weiner for a Dingell-Weiner runoff.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Special thanks to Mark Merchant, a talented ventriloquist and comedian for his very generous donation to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen. Mark does a lot of cruise ship work (Hopefully not Carnival! Lol) and corporate meetings. He uses some of my material in his act and must be pretty fast because they haven’t thrown him overboard yet. If you are taking a cruise soon or need someone to work an event, you should look him up and check out his work on youtube. Family oriented and funny stuff. If you would like to donate, just click on the Great Strides icon and give whatever you can. Today the love goes out to Mark!

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